


Find Someone to Carry You

by bette (ferns)



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Cisco Ramon, Brainwashing, Canonical Character Death, Cleithrophobia, Cuddling & Snuggling, Human Experimentation, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Medical Experimentation, Medical Torture, Mild Haphephobia, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Serious Discussion of Suicide Attempts, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2017-01-31
Packaged: 2018-07-12 02:56:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 67,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7082371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferns/pseuds/bette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six months ago, Barry Allen disappeared, and so did the Flash. Killer Frost and Vibe took over his position as heroes of the city, although two civilians (at least to the eyes of the world) never gave up hope that he was still alive.</p><p>Now, he's been found, and it's up to them to put the pieces back together again. But there's an enemy lurking in plain sight, and sometimes things aren't noticed until it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The False From the Real

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for human experimentation, graphic depictions of violence, torture, and nasty stuff like that. I'll add fresh warnings for squicks and triggers in front of each chapter, don't worry.
> 
> The M rating is for violence only, as well as a few more mature themes discussed that I didn't think really fit inside of the T rating.

It was too loud. Too loud too loud too loud too loud and he couldn’t move, he couldn’t sleep, They wouldn’t let him, They said that if he slept They would do much worse things than what They had already done.

Not allowed to sleep, Barry repeated to himself over and over and over again.

They’ll be mad. Not allowed to sleep. They’ll hunt everyone down and slaughter them. Not allowed to sleep.

* * *

There’s blood on his hands again. Barry knows that he should be bothered by that. And he is, he hates the feeling of blood drying on his skin, prickling and constricting and reminding.

Unconsciously, his fingernails start to scrape against his skin as he claws at his own flesh over and over again in an attempt to get rid of it get it off get it off get it off.

The smack of a riding crop against the side of his head, bloodying his ear and making his cheek sting, makes him stop. “Be still.”

Barry obeys. He knows what will happen if he doesn’t.

* * *

Barry spasms and vomits, body straining against the straps keeping him down. His lungs are on fire, his veins are burning, there are fingers rooting around  _inside_ of him and pulling out parts to study and dissect and take apart while they’re still partially attached to him.

His mouth opens and closes silently, tears streaming down his cheeks while he tries to plead without speaking a word. Without going against Their wishes for him to keep quiet the entire time and not make so much as a single sound. So that he wouldn’t accidentally distract one of Them from their work in taking him apart piece by bloody piece.

“Stop moving.”

Barry does so, falling limp on the table as the darkness and the thin relief that comes with it spirals up to meet him.

* * *

_There are worse things than dying,_  Barry reflects, pulling experimentally on the main chain that keeps him tethered to the wall like a dog. The other ones around his wrists and ankles chime in as they clank against each other. The dried blood in between the links makes them stick and rust.  _There’s this._

Besides, Barry Allen died when a cloth was pressed against his mouth and nose while he was sleeping and he was dragged out of bed, tossed into the back of a van, and then carted away to the middle of nowhere.

Right now, he doesn’t know who-he doesn’t know  _what_  he is. And They would probably prefer to keep it that way.

(He stopped fighting when They threatened to kill his family. When They said that They would drag the others in here one by one and then shoot them in front of him, one for each time that he fought. The fighting only made it worse, anyways.)

* * *

Shoulders shaking as he tucked up closer in on himself, Barry tried not to think about what They would do once they found him. Once They realized that he had somehow managed to escape.

Please, please, he hadn’t escaped. Not really, please, not really. When They had been transferring him, Their van had been in an accident, had flipped over. He had just been trying to get away from the wreckage, please, he had just been trying to crawl away.

Not to escape, please, Barry hadn’t meant to escape, really he hadn’t.

“Are you okay?” Somebody asked, and footsteps crunched toward him over gravel and asphalt. “Are you drunk or somethi-holy fuck.”

The last part was breathed out almost reverently, and Barry jerked away. They only spoke like that when They had discovered something new about the way that he worked inside.

“Hey, hey, I won’t hurt you.” The person paused. “Okay, you probably don’t believe that, since you look like shit and I  _did_ almost kill you once, but I won’t do it again. I promise.”

Barry tried not to move. Maybe if he stayed still enough, They wouldn’t punish him as harshly. Maybe They would realize that he hadn’t meant to escape at all.

“Okay, then, can you just stay here? Until I get back? I’ll be back soon.”

The footsteps left, much faster than they had come, as Barry stayed obediently frozen. He knew how to follow orders. That was one of the first things that They had taught him how to do.

He didn’t know how long he stayed there, blood drying on his face and ribs and-and almost everywhere, really. All he knows is that when more footsteps come up to him, the same ones as before (although he didn’t know that at the time), there were loud voices.

“I swear, Hartley, if this is a trick, I’m going to have Caitlin turn you into a popsicle,” somebody threatens, and Barry can’t stop the small whimper that escapes him. They sound mad, They sound like They’re going to put him in the freezer cell again, he’s sorry he didn’t mean to make Them mad.

Somebody swears softly, and then there’s a presence right above him and Barry throws himself backwards, head hitting a trashcan as he tumbles over it and scrapes his back on a brick wall.

No, no, no, no, he used his speed, Barry was never allowed to use his speed, not unless They said that he could because They wanted to test him.

“Sorry,” Barry whimpers, even though he knows that it won’t do him any good. They’ll just be mad at him for whining and tell him to shut up. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, it was an accident, it was an accident, I’m so sorry.”

There’s what might be a choked off sobbing sound, and some part of Barry wants to reach out and comfort whoever made it. But that part of him died the first week at the facility, back before They really started to hurt him.

“Oh, Barry,” somebody sighs, and they sound horrified.  _Sorry_ , Barry repeats over and over again in his head.

(Vaguely, he’s aware that They used his name. They didn’t say  _freak_ or  _monster_  or  _creature_  or  _that thing_ or  _metahuman_ or  _the test subject_ or  _the experiment._ They didn’t say  _come on, you piece of shit, let’s see what you can do for us today._  They said Barry. They said Barry.)

“We looked for you,” somebody else says, a woman, and her voice sounds like glaciers breaking apart. “We looked for you, and we didn’t find you, and we kept looking, and-oh, god, Barry.”

“I vibed where you were a few times,” the person who made the popsicle threat offers weakly. “But every time we got there they had already moved you.”

That’s right, that’s right, They didn’t like to keep him in one place for too long. That’s right.

Somebody touches his shoulders and Barry flinches away, cowering back. What might be rain hits his cheeks. Or maybe it’s tears. Either way, they’re damp.

“Please,” Barry begs to no one in particular. “Please, I didn’t mean to escape, the van flipped, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, please, please.”

There’s a soft sigh from above him and then there are arms wrapping around him and holding him close against somebody else. For a moment Barry struggles, thrashing around in the strong grip until he realizes that They’ll be mad and goes limp.

Somebody pets his hair, and an involuntary purr rises in the back of his throat and hums through his body before he manages to force it down. They didn’t like it when he did that.

“It’s okay,” somebody says, and he can hear the words vibrating inside of their chest while they hold him. A name pops up into the back of his mind, one that belongs to this feeling and the smell of wood and faint spices. But Barry bites it back-They don’t like it when he remembers for any reason unless it’s because They threatened to kill somebody he knew. “It’s okay.”

Barry squeezes his eyes shut.  _Okay,_ he repeats to himself.  _Okay._

“You’re safe now,” the person holding him says, and Barry sags against them.

He doesn’t believe that yet.

But… But…

Right then, he  _feels_ safer than he has in a long, long time.


	2. What Doesn't Kill You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: medical torture, removal of digits, minor gore.

Barry clapped his hands over his ears and pressed himself close to the door of the car. It was too small, it was too stuffy, he couldn’t  _breathe,_ it was too cramped and too terrible and he wanted to get out. Please, he wanted to get out. But he knew that They would never let him do so.

Somebody squeezed his arm gently and Barry flinched away with a small whimper that he tried to hide. Please, please, he would be good, he would obey, They didn’t have to hurt his friends and family.

“It’s okay, Barry, we’re almost back to STAR Labs,” somebody said gently.

Barry froze. A lab. A lab. A lab. They were going to take him to a lab. A lab where They would do bad things to him. They would tie him down and They would cut him open and if he fought then They would hunt down the people that he cared about. Or They would bring out the whips and tell him that he deserved everything that they were going to do to him, that They were just doing what was right.

“What is  _he_ still doing here?” Somebody else grumbled, and Barry’s breathing quickened. He was sorry he was sorry he had tried to be good, he had tried not to be a freak and a failure and a monster, he had tried so so hard.

“I’m the one who found your missing meta-your missing  _friend_ ,” another voice, the one that had found him before, snapped back in reply. “I think I at least deserve to know what’s going to happen to him.”

“Hartley’s coming with us as far as STAR Labs,” a female voice said, “and then he has to leave.”

“Works for me,” the angry snapping  _(bad stop please he’d be good)_  voice huffed.

As soon as the car was stopped, somebody unbuckled the restraints that held him down to the seat. Barry immediately curled away, trying to make himself as small as possible as he kept covering his ears. Somebody gently pulled him away, and Barry went limp as he was picked up and held bridal style (not dragged along the floor) in somebody’s arms.

“It’s okay,” somebody murmured, touching his arm gently and making Barry’s heartbeat pick up as he tried to stop himself from flinching away. “You’re safe now, Barry, you’re okay.”

The person who was holding him carried him forward for what felt like a long time, making Barry grow more and more apprehensive for what he knew must have been coming. Surely there was a big punishment coming now because They thought that he had been trying to escape. They would be so angry. Maybe They would only whip him this time. That would be nice. That was something that Barry could take.

Whoever was carrying him set Barry down on something soft and slightly springy. The softest thing that he had felt for a long, long time.

Barry couldn’t stop himself from running his hands over it, feeling what might have been fabric crinkle underneath his hands. It felt good. 

Maybe They were going to do something new? Something that They had never done before? That would explain why They had brought him here, to a new lab where he had never been before.

Barry felt something soft get draped over him around his shoulders as his nose stung with the smell of anesthetic and cold clean chemicals. No, no, no, he knew what that smell meant, they were going to clean his skin with wipes and then they were going cut him open and clamp his skin apart. Please don’t. Please don’t. Please don’t. Please don’t.

“It’s okay, Barry, it’s okay. You’re safe now,” somebody said quietly, and what felt like a warm hand slipped into his.

Barry clung to it as well as he could, four remaining fingers clenching down as hard as possible in an attempt to protect the person that the other hand belonged to.

A name floated up at him out of the abyss.  _Iris._  It sounded right, it sounded like the way that this hand felt and like the smell of floral soap.

“Caitlin,” the Iris-voice said hoarsely, and Barry felt fingers touch his hand and run over the backs of his fingers before stopping when they got to what remained of his pinkie finger. “Caitlin, look.”

The person who had held him earlier (and maybe they were the same as the one that had carried him inside of the new bad lab) swore softly and Barry cringed, still holding on to the Iris-hand as well as he could.

Something soft (lips?) pressed against the small, almost-flat stub where his finger had been. Barry made a small squeaking sound of surprise. It certainly didn’t feel like a blade or an open flame or a small ice cube held there to see if he would heal slower after they cut the wound open again.

The soft thing over his shoulders was pulled away and Barry shivered, stopping himself from reaching out to try to pull it back onto himself. They would be mad if he did that. Freaks like him weren’t allowed to do anything without consequences.

“Barry,” the glaciers-breaking ice-crumbling voice said, “I’m going to take your shirt off, okay? You can keep your pants on for now, but I need to check your chest and abdomen.”

Barry froze. He knew that he would have to let Them do whatever They wanted to him, he wasn’t allowed to fight or else there would severe consequences, but-but-but he didn’t want to be cut open he never wanted to be cut open it always hurt it always hurt so bad and he hated it, please, please don’t he hated it but all that They would do was laugh…

His shirt was tugged off over his head and Barry trembled in the cold air. They would hurt him now, They would cut him now, They would force him to run for Them now and then laugh when he fell over because of his off-kilter balance.

* * *

_“Toes are vital to balance, did you know that?”_

_Barry screamed through the gag as tears streamed down his cheeks, as closed as tightly as possible so that he might be able to pretend like it wasn’t really happening. Like he wasn’t really there on the table._

_“Have you learned your lesson yet, freak?”  
_

_Barry kept sobbing on the table._

_“I think that’s a no.”  
_

* * *

“Please,” Barry whispered, rocking backward until he was pressed against the wall. Goosebumps rose up on his skin and Barry shuddered violently, wondering what They were going to do this time. “Please, please, please, please…”

“Barry,” the ice-voice said again, and this time it was accompanied by a cool sensation like air being blown across his forehead, “I need you to stay still. It’s okay, you’re safe here, but I need to make sure that you don’t have any open wounds that could get infected. I need to see the damage.”

Open wounds. Damage. Open wounds. Damage. She would hurt him, she would cut him open, she was lying when she said that he was safe, she was going to hurt him, please, she was one of Them. And when she was done hurting him she would hurt Iris and Joe and Cisco and Caitlin and Wally and she would make him watch as she killed them in front of him.

“Easy, Barry,” the Iris-voice said, and something rubbed softly against the back of his palm. “Caitlin just needs to make sure that you’re okay. That everything’s doing okay.”

Barry trembled but stay still. He had to follow instructions, he had to follow orders, he had to do well or else They would be upset and They would hurt him and They would kill the people he loved.

Gloved fingers touched his abdomen surprisingly gently, and Barry shivered as he tried to suck his stomach in and curl away. Somebody took a sharp breath through their teeth, and Barry wondered what it was that he had done wrong this time. And what the punishment for it would be.

“When was the last time that you ate?” The ice-voice said, and that was a voice that wanted to know answers. That was a voice that was going to make sure that Barry knew what would happen if he didn’t answer the question. “You’re too thin.”

But-but he didn’t know the answer. He didn’t know when the last time that he had eaten was. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Time at the facilities was different. Strange. Sometimes it even felt like it was moving backwards. Even if he knew that it wasn’t.

The woman with the ice-voice sighed and pulled her cold gloved hands away from Barry’s skin, making him relax oh-so-slightly. At least now she wasn’t touching him. But that just meant that she was probably getting some sort of tool or blade that she would use to cut him open.

* * *

_Something sharp slid across Barry’s skin, a line of scarlet blood welling up after it. The speedster didn’t so much as wince. He wasn’t going to give his captors the satisfaction of hearing him scream._

_A horribly familiar voice sounded from his right side, accompanied by a hint of movement in the corner of Barry’s eye that might have been the shake of a head. “Still trying to be defiant, are we?”_

_Barry scowled up at the blurry shape in front of him, outlined harshly against the bright light that swung above the cold metal table that the metahuman had been strapped to for what felt like forever. There was a needle in his arm, pumping what might have been drugs into his system._

_A hand flicked the IV bag. “Wondering what’s in here?”_

_Barry closed his eyes and tried not to say anything or make any sounds of pain as the knife dug deeper into his flesh._

_“Just my own special combination of drugs,” the voice continued. “We’re going to see if they slow down your healing. If we can increase the speed or reduce it, maybe we can replicate it.”  
_

_Barry let out a strangled gasp as something cold was jabbed into his upper left arm, sending pain shooting throughout the limb and down through the entire left side of his body. The blade was dragged down, slicing all the way through to the bone, from his shoulder down to the inside of his wrist._

_(Would kill a non-meta, someone who didn’t heal as fast as he did. Barry knew that, he’d seen enough dead bodies to know a fatal wound when he saw one. Or at least it would have been fatal, had his healing not already started to kick in.)_

_The man bit down hard on his tongue to stop himself from crying out, unable to stop the tears that had already started to spill down his cheeks._

* * *

The gloved hands pressed down again, this time on his upper chest. Barry closed his eyes tightly (not that it made any difference) and repeated two words over and over and over to himself. Stay still. Stay still. Stay still. Stay still. Stay still.

Fingers crept up to his neck, pressing down slightly on either side of his collarbone and irritating a set of particularly vicious bruises. Barry whimpered  _(she was going to choke him she was going to hurt him she was going to do all sorts of bad things to him)_ and tried to pull away.

The grip on his hand grew tighter. “Shh,” the Iris-voice murmured soothingly. “Caitlin didn’t mean to hurt you, she just wanted to see if your neck was okay.”

“It was an accident,” the frost-voice agreed, chilly fingers moving up higher toward Barry’s face. “I won’t hurt you.”

Lie lie lie lie lie.

There was a sudden pause and the hands moved away from his face. Barry sagged with relief.

“Oh my god,” the ice-voice whispered.

The hand in Barry’s suddenly stiffened. “What?” The Iris-voice asked worriedly. “What did they do?”

Fingers pried one of Barry’s eyelids up and he flinched away, whimpering quietly even as the accidental sound hurt his torn-up throat. “Shh,” the Iris-voice repeated, although it didn’t sound as soothing as it had before. She sounded nervous, and that made Barry nervous too. “Caitlin, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“I-oh, god, they blinded him,” the ice-voice gasped, and Barry jerked back against the wall behind him. “I don’t know-I need to run some tests.”

No no no no no no no tests. Please no tests. He’d be good, he’d be good, They wouldn’t have to kill Iris or Joe or Wally or Cisco or Caitlin They didn’t have to do any of that. Please.

But… But They would want his eyes to heal for that. They would want his eyes to be working. So that Barry would have to watch as the people that he loved were murdered right in front of him.

Which meant that Barry couldn’t let them heal.

His hands lifted (dropping the hand of the Iris-voice) and he reached up toward his eyes in an attempt to claw at them, to rip them out so that they would never be able to heal and They would never make him watch as they killed his family.

(They had played recordings of his family’s voices before, to make him docile again. Whenever he had tried to fight back. Before he had learned that fighting back against Them only made everything so much worse.)

Hands-the same gloved ones that had been checking him over before-grabbed his wrists, pulling his hands down. “Don’t do that, Barry. Don’t hurt yourself. You’re safe here. This is your home.”

That’s right. That’s right. Barry knew that They didn’t like it when he harmed himself. They had been so angry before. They had tried to make him stop, tried to make him Be Still, They had hurt him even more as punishment because They were so angry.

“Barry, we’re here. We’re here with you. It’s okay. You don’t have to be afraid anymore,” the Iris-voice said gently as soft fingers took his hands again. “I’m right here, we’re all here.”

Barry tilted his head in the direction of her voice. If he had been able to see, he would have been looking at her.

The Iris-voice seemed to take that as a good sign, and Barry felt her presence scoot closer to him on the strange soft surface.

“Barry?” She said softly. “Barry, can you hear me? Can you understand me?”

“It’s a miracle he can hear at all,” the ice-person said, and fingers touched Barry’s ears. He ducked away with a small whine before remembering that They didn’t like it when he struggled and obediently moved his head back underneath the gloved hand. “Barry, it’s okay, I’m just going to clean the dried blood from inside of your ears. Is that okay? Can I do that?”

He knew the proper answer to that. Barry was a good boy, he knew the answer to that question. And he knew what would happen if he tried to refuse, if he tried to fight, if he tried to struggle. Especially because They had the Iris-voice right there. They would hurt her, They would hurt his family. He knew better.

(But They would do the same thing if he said anything, which meant that Barry had to stay quiet and just do everything that They asked him to.)

The cold fingers touched his ears and something damp moved around them, clearing away some of the dried blood. Barry made a small fearful sound as she got even closer to his face.

“Cisco?” The ice-woman said, and Barry stiffened. Cisco, Cisco, Cisco, They had Cisco, They had Cisco and Iris, what were They going to do to them what were They going to do please please please-! “Can you get Barry some soup? I think there’s a few cans in the lunchroom still. Nothing too thick or creamy yet.”

There was a small sound of agreement and Barry heard footsteps leaving the room. They were going to hurt Cisco They were going to do bad things They were going to punish Cisco and Iris for Barry’s accidental escape, please, please, please, please.

More cold things touched his ears and Barry felt the dried blood that he had grown so accustomed to having muffling his hearing slowly start to get cleared away. The Iris-voice let him squeeze her hand tightly as he tried to take deep breaths. If he panicked then They were going to get angry. If he panicked then They would hurt the others. If he panicked then They would kill Iris and Cisco. So Barry couldn’t let himself panic.

The Iris-voice hummed gently. “It’s okay, Bar,” she whispered soothingly, and Barry felt something gently touch his hair. He leaned into it and closed his eyes. If he had been happier, maybe he would have actually purred. If he hadn’t known what They would do to Iris. “We’re all here, we’re all safe. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine now.”

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie. Never safe never safe never safe. Didn’t Iris see that? Didn’t Iris see that she wasn’t safe, that he wasn’t safe, that nobody that he loved was safe from Them? Didn’t she see?

Maybe… Maybe Iris was lying on purpose. So that They wouldn’t hurt Cisco. Or Joe, or Joe, what if They had Joe, what if They had Joe and Wally and Caitlin (please god don’t hurt them hurt Barry instead he deserved it he deserved it please not them not them never them).

The Ice-person leaned away from him and Barry relaxed oh-so-slightly. “There, all done with your ears. I’m going to have to check you over the rest of the way later, okay? But we don’t have to do it right now if you don’t want to.”

* * *

_Don’t move. That was the order that They had given him. Don’t move. That was what Barry was supposed to do. Don’t move. If he moved, They would be angry. Don’t move. They would tell him about the terrible terrible terrible things that They would do to him and to his friends. Don’t move._

_But he had to he had to Barry had to it was like the need to move was eating away at his very skin. Like if he didn’t move then he would explode. Maybe, maybe, if he just moved a little tiny bit, so fast that They wouldn’t even notice, maybe then They wouldn’t hurt him._

_As soon as Barry had shifted even a tiny bit out of place, the door was slammed open and he cringed back with a small cry of fear._

_Rough hands grabbed the tattered and ruined collar of his shirt. “Do you need a reminder of your place, freak?”_

* * *

No, no, no, no, he didn’t want to, please, please-

“Shh, Barry, shh,” the Iris-voice murmured comfortingly as Barry’s breathing quickened and he started to tremble. “It’s okay, it’s okay, Caitlin won’t do anything that you don’t want her to, don’t worry, it’s okay. Shhhh, I’m right here. We’re all here. It’s safe.”

They were all there? All of them? But that meant-that must have meant that They had captured everyone that he loved, that They had taken his family and done bad bad bad things to them. They were going to kill them, please, please don’t, Barry would be good, he promised he would be good, they didn’t have to do anything. Please.

Footsteps sounded toward him, and a voice that could have been Cisco’s said, “I brought soup! Nothing to thick, just like you said.”

Barry cringed as someone knelt down in front of him and carefully took his other hand. These ones were more calloused than those of the Iris-voice, but still familiar. Still home.

Something teased against his lips, warm and smooth like metal. Barry whimpered and almost pulled away before smelling what was on it. Didn’t… Didn’t seem like poison. Or at least it didn’t smell like it.

Whoever was holding the metal seemed to take that as an opportunity to push some of it into his mouth, and Barry swallowed eagerly. He was hungry, he was hungry, he was so so so so  _so so_ hungry. And this certainly didn’t seem to be poison.

(Maybe They wanted him to be stronger so that he would be better at the tests. Or so that he would heal faster and be forced to watch his family die.)

As soon as the spoon was taken away from his mouth, Barry made a small whining sound. He knew that They would never give him more, of course They wouldn’t, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t hope.

But then-but then there was  _more._ Then there was more, a whole other spoonful!

Barry swallowed it eagerly, and as soon as that was gone (and that time Barry had been  _sure_  that there was no reason for Them to give him any more at all) there was  _another!_

They gave him more and more and more and more, the same person every time while the Iris-voice held his hand. They didn’t take it away, They didn’t swap it out for drugs, They didn’t do anything. They just kept feeding him.

For the first time in a long, long time, Barry  _actually_ felt full.

As soon as They stopped giving him food (Barry knew that this was the last that he would get for a long long time), Barry heard the soft clink of ceramic on metal and worried that They were going to bring out the tools. He tensed, staying completely frozen outside from the way that he was shaking all over.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to scare you,” the Cisco-voice murmured, and Barry heard a soft creaking sound as they clambered up onto the soft table next to him. An arm wrapped around his shoulder and Barry made a small whimpering sound at the back of his throat. But instead of making any moves to hurt him, the person just pulled him closer. “I was just putting the bowl down.”

A low rumbling sound started up after a moment of silence, coming from the Cisco-person next to him. It began in their chest and spread out through their entire body, making Barry’s own body hum as he started to unconsciously purr in response.

The Iris-voice’s other hand stroked Barry’s hair gently, and he leaned into it. Safe safe safe.  _They_ wouldn’t hurt him. They were safe.

Even if it wouldn’t last, at least Barry had this last moment with a few of the members of his family.  


	3. Shot a Hole Through Everything I Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for vomit, mentioned non-consensual drug usage, referenced self-harm, and the same human experimentation and torture warnings that apply for the whole fic.

Caitlin grabbed Joe's arm and tugged him out toward the hallway, leaving the three others behind on the medical bed. She was still shaken from the evidence of what had happened to Barry, and the shock of finding him again after searching for so long.

“We need to talk about what we're going to do next,” Caitlin said as soon as they were safely out of hearing range of the others. “What's going to happen to Barry.”

“He comes home with me and Iris,” Joe answered immediately. “He's been gone for too long already.”

Caitlin shook her head. “He  _ will _ go home, Joe,” she said when he opened his mouth to argue. “I promise you that, but he needs to stay here for at least a little while. Not just because he needs to recover. I have to monitor him, make sure he won't…” She sighed. “Barry's a danger to himself, Joe.”

Joe closed his eyes briefly. “You saw the scars too.”

Caitlin nodded. “Six months of torture is enough to make anybody lose hope, Joe.”

“What if you came over?” Joe suggested. “That way he's not at the lab but you can still see him and monitor him. Iris and I will watch him too.”

“I can't stay there,” Caitlin pointed out. She glanced at the doorway. “And I think Cisco will help you with the monitoring. It's probably not the best idea to separate them at this point in time, when Barry's still b-blind and still thinks he's in danger.”

Joe sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well, you’re clearly trying to hint at something, so what do you suggest that we do?”

“Let me keep him at STAR Labs for a few days,” Caitlin said in a rush. “A week and a half at the most, I promise, but he was missing for  _ six months,  _ Joe! He’s not just going to heal like that. Barry’s going to need physical therapy, probably an IV drip and food that isn’t solid at first, and a  _ lot  _ of support from us. I would also love to get an MRI from him, but I doubt that he’d let me. I can’t bring all of my supplies over to your house.”

Joe sighed again and glanced back through the open doorway at where his son was curled up as small as he could make himself, scared and scarred and blinded while clinging to Iris and Cisco like they were lifelines. “Why do you think he recognized them so quickly?” Joe asked instead of answering Caitlin. “Iris I can understand, they’ve lived in the same house almost their entire lives, but…”

_ Then why didn’t he recognize me?  _ Caitlin finished silently in her head. She looked over at her friends, at how Iris and Cisco were exchanging glances every time that Barry flinched or made a small squeaking sound of pain or fear. “I don’t know.”

(Well, maybe she did, a little bit. But that wasn’t her place to say.)

“What else do you need to do today?” Joe asked her.

“Well,” Caitlin answered, not taking her eyes off of the trio, “I’d like to give him a complete examination, and take some blood. After that it’d probably be for the best to hook Barry up to an IV-he’s severely dehydrated and malnourished. I might give him some sedatives and painkillers, too, since he’s weak enough now that they’ll probably be able to affect him.” She hesitated and looked at Joe, taking a deep breath. “Joe?”

“Hmm?” He replied, still watching Iris, Barry, and Cisco.

“Even after he physically heals, it’s going to take him a long, long time to get back even partially to the way he was before,” Caitlin said quietly, toying with a strand of her white-streaked hair. “He won’t be the same Barry we remember.”

Joe closed his eyes. “I know, Caitlin. I’ve seen what trauma can do to people. But as long as he’s alive and safe and with us, we can help him.”

* * *

 

“Barry?” The ice-voice (Caitlin? No, no, it couldn’t be Caitlin, it couldn’t be Caitlin, because if They had Caitlin-) said quietly, and the speedster cowered away from her voice with a small whimper. He kept his grip on Iris and Cisco-because that  _ was  _ who they were-in a desperate attempt to protect them and keep them safe. “Barry, do you know who’s here with you? Who we are?”

“Iris. Cisco. Them.” Barry snapped his mouth shut. He knew the punishment for talking out of turn, he knew what They would do, he knew how They would hold him down and make neat small stitches across his mouth because his begging and pleading was  _ distracting  _ to Them. Barry knew the consequences. But it was better him than Cisco or Iris.

Iris’s voice sighed and Barry stiffened. What were They doing to her? How were They punishing her for his mistakes? What were They doing, please, please, hurt him instead, please, hurt him instead-

“Shh, it’s okay,” Cisco said quietly, stroking Barry’s hair. “You’re safe, okay? You’re safe. Uh,  _ they  _ aren’t here right now, Barry.”

Barry hesitated. That must have meant that the ice-person and the Other Person were gone. So… Did that mean that he could speak freely? That they were out of earshot and he could finally ask Cisco and Iris to do what he needed them to do?

Barry sat up as straight as possible and gripped Iris’s wrist as hard as he could, which wasn’t very hard considering the nerve damage in his hands. His other hands searched for Cisco’s, and Barry relaxed ever-so-slightly as soon as he found it.

“Kill me,” Barry said in a rush, tripping over his own words even as they caught on his tongue and made the inside of his mouth and throat hurt where they were raw from screaming and begging. “Kill me,  _ please _ , I’d rather die than be here for one more day,  _ please _ kill me, and then you have to kill each other or else They’ll kill you, and They’ll make it long and painful,  _ please _ . Kill me, kill me, kill me-”

“Oh, Barry…” Iris let out a small choked sob and threw her arms around his shoulders. He tensed and flinched automatically, letting out a small whimper of fear and surprise. There was some hope mixed in there too; maybe she was getting  _ ready  _ to kill him? “You’re safe, you don’t have to-you’re at STAR La-I mean, you’re at STAR. You’re safe now, Bar. You’re safe. You don’t have to be there ever again.”

Barry trembled. Lie lie lie lie lie lie didn’t Iris see the danger? Didn’t she see that They would kill her the minute that he regained his sight? Didn’t she see?

Cisco gently rubbed Barry’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Bar. We’re here, alright? We aren’t going anywhere. We’re going to protect you. They aren’t going to hurt you anymore, I promise. We’re gonna keep you safe.”

Not true not true not true not true, didn’t the two of them see, didn’t they see that they were all in danger? That every second that they remained inside of this building was another second that they were closer to being executed? Didn’t they  _ understand? _

His thoughts were interrupted by a small sob coming from somewhere nearby.

Barry looked around blindly for a moment, trying to find the source of the sound. Who was crying, was Iris crying, was Cisco crying, he had to find them, what were They doing to them?

“Please,” Barry begged to nobody, “please don’t hurt them, it was an accident, please. I didn’t mean to, the van flipped over, please, please, I know better than to try to escape. Please, I’ll do anything you want”-Barry shuddered violently at the thought-“but please, don’t hurt my family. Don’t hurt them. Hurt me instead, if you want. I was the one who failed.”

“Oh, god, no,” a male voice said, horrified. “We would  _ never  _ hurt any of them, Bar, and we won’t hurt ourselves either. It’s okay, we’re all safe.”

Lie lie lie lie what were They going to do? Would They make him crawl around on his hands and knees and beg like a dog? Would They order him to run or dance or jump around? Would they force him to cut himself or burn himself? Soil himself? Would They spill his only food and water in who knows how long onto the ground and then make him lick it up while They taunted and jeered?

Barry’s breath started to come faster as his lungs felt like they were being crushed in a vice. He squeezed his eyes shut (not that he could tell) and let go of Iris and Cisco’s hands to cover his ears as he tried to think of all of the terrible things that They would make him do. But-but it was so much better than the alternative, so much better than letting Them kill his family and friends, no matter what cost it was to his own body.

“Shh, Barry, it’s okay,” Iris said, setting her hands down gently on his shoulders. “It’s okay, you’re safe, you’re safe, it’s okay. Everything’s okay. You’re safe, I’m safe, Cisco’s safe, we’re all safe.”

Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie-

“Barry, can you focus on my voice?” Cisco asked, and Barry struggled to comply, gasping for air as his heart pounded in his ears.

“He’s having a panic attack,” the ice-doctor-bad-no-stop voice warned, and Barry tried to curl up even tighter on himself.

Barry heard the sound of a button being pushed, as well as some others that he couldn’t identify. Cisco’s hands carefully pulled Barry away from himself, so that he was less curled up and more partially unfurled. (Even if he was still trying to tuck back in on himself.)

Something cold and plasticy touched Barry’s face and he tried to jerk away as his sightless eyes widened. Get away get away get away get away get away get  _ away from him right now no no no no no please get away- _

He tried weakly to push it away, squirming and struggling and attempting to protect both himself and Iris and Cisco. Strong hands pinned his shoulders down as the  _ (bad bad bad bad bad no)  _ plastic thing was pressed down onto his face. Barry whimpered and tried to jerk his head away, bucking up off of the strange soft not-table in a desperate attempt to get away.

“Barry, son, if you don't stop struggling, we're going to have to restrain you,” a man's voice (Joe's but also not because Joe  _ couldn't _ have been here, he just  _ couldn't).  _ “I'm sorry, Bar, but you need to stop.”

Barry's chest heaved as he redoubled his efforts, trying to get away from the hands and the straps and whatever it was that they were trying to put on his face. Or at least he did until he realized that They would just punish Cisco and Iris for what he was doing. That they would be the ones to pay the price for Barry's futile attempts at escaping.

He went limp instantly, whimpering quietly as the bad plastic thing was fitted over his mouth and nose.

Somebody-Iris-took his hand in theirs, while someone else-Cisco-gently squeezed his shoulder.

“Deep breaths, Bar,” Iris encouraged. “Deep breaths. It's just oxygen, it's just going to help you. Don't worry. You were hyperventilating, Bar. This is to help you, I promise.”

Barry waited for his throat to burn, for his lungs to light themselves on fire, for whatever drug it was this time to finally set in. But instead it just got a little bit easier to breath, and Barry's shaking slowed down slightly. Or at least became less violent.

“It's okay,” Cisco murmured. “It's helping you, it's okay. Don't worry, it's okay. Iris and I are right here.”

After a long, long minute, Barry felt the plastic mask being pulled away from his face. He stayed obediently still, waiting for Them to start cutting open his shirt and then making Their careful cuts before digging around inside him despite his begging and crying.

“There you go,” Iris said with fake cheer, “nothing happened. It was just oxygen, Barry, see? It didn’t hurt you.”

Bile rose up in the back of the speedster’s throat and he gripped Iris’s hand while using Cisco as a support to sit up. “‘M gonna be sick,” he rasped for their benefit-They wouldn’t care if he was sick as long as he ‘didn’t make a mess and disturb Their test results.’ “Right now.”

“Okay. Okay.” Iris’s voice lost its false perkiness as she curled Barry’s fingers around the rim of the small blue plastic bag that Caitlin handed to her. “You can throw up in this, okay?”

Barry retched, emptying the contents of his stomach into the bag while Cisco rubbed his back gently, wincing at the way that he could feel Barry’s spine, ribs, and shoulder blades through his bruised skin. Barry shuddered and heaved again, but this time nothing came up, and Cisco realized that it was because there wasn’t anything left in Barry’s stomach. His own gut clenched painfully at the realization that Barry had only vomited once-that was how empty his stomach was.

Caitlin sighed and knelt down in front of Barry, even though she knew that her friend couldn’t see her. “Barry, I’m really sorry, but we need to get fluids and nutrients in you, especially since you couldn’t keep the soup down.” She looked at Iris and Cisco and lowered her voice down to a whisper. “Can you two keep him calm while I get the IV set up?”

Barry stiffened. He could still hear her, she was just talking quieter than she usually did, and that didn’t change the fact that she was kneeling only a few inches away from him.

An IV an IV an IV what were They going to put into his system, what new drug were They going to test out on him? What were They going to do? Please, please, please, please, he didn’t want an IV, not an IV, he doesn’t want an IV. Stop, please, stop.

Barry tried to curl up in a tight little ball, shaking all over as he attempted to tuck his head down in between his knees. Cisco stopped him, setting a hand gently but firmly on the inside of his shoulder while bracing his other one on Barry’s knee to keep them apart.

“Don’t do that, Barry,” he sighed as the other man trembled underneath his hands.

Barry froze immediately. He knew better than to disobey a direct order like that, even if it was coming from Cisco. They were still here, and They would punish him for all of the things that he failed to do. So he had to do better. He  _ had  _ to do better.

“It’s alright, Bar, don’t worry,” Iris said comfortingly, squeezing Barry’s arm. “It’s just to help you feel better. It’s-it’s like food, only it goes in your veins instead of in your stomach.”

Barry whimpered. He didn’t want a needle and he didn’t want an IV but… Food. Food. He needed food.

* * *

_ “Come on, freak,” one of Them sneered, holding the small can of beans just above Barry’s head while he struggled to grab it. “Beg for it.” _

_ Barry bowed his head as he kneeled down in the Position, hands behind his back where they could easily be bound. “Please, give me the food, give it to me, I need it, I  _ need  _ it, please, please, please.” He squeezed his eyes shut and let out a small sob as he felt tears drop down onto his knees. “Please, I’m so hungry, give them to me, please, I need it.” _

_ The speedster gasped in pain and surprise as someone grabbed a handful of his hair and used it to yank him upwards so that he was crouching on his toes. They sneered down at him and dropped the can of cold beans onto the ground, making Barry cry out in dismay. That was when They let go of his hair and allowed him to tumble backwards onto the cold cement floor of his cell. _

_ “Now, eat them,” They ordered, crossing Their arms. “Go ahead. I know your kind are filthy, freak, now act like it.” _

_ Ears burning, Barry dropped down onto all fours and picked the beans up with his fingers, eating them as fast as he could without using his speed. They didn’t like it when he used his speed outside of when They forced him to run in the tests, and he lived to please Them, so he couldn’t use his speed. Couldn’t. Couldn’t. Couldn’t. Couldn’t. _

_ A booted foot kicked him in the ribs and Barry gasped as all of the wind was knocked out of his lungs. Barry’s head slammed into the wall from the force of the blow and he let out a small yelp of pain that he barely managed to stop from sounding like a weak howl. _

_ They snickered and turned around before looking back over Their shoulder. “I hope you know, freak, that I’m going to miss hearing your pretty little voice beg when we silence you.” _

_ Barry stiffened and looked up just in time to see the heavy door of his cell shut with a loud bang. _

* * *

Something cold that smelled like Their gloves  _ (please please please please)  _ wiped against the inside of Barry’s arm, which he hadn’t even noticed that Iris was holding so that the crook of his elbow faced up. He whimpered and weakly tried to pull his arm back to his side.

Iris shook her head before remembering that he couldn’t see her. “Barry, no. It’s just to help you feel better, like the oxygen mask was. It’s okay. It won’t hurt you. It’ll only sting for a second, and then everything will be okay. It’s alright, Barry.”

“Please,” he whispered hoarsely, the soft word making his throat ache. “Please. Don’t. Please. I don’t wanna needle. I don’t wanna-”

There was a small prick and then a sensation like plastic being stuck to his skin, and Barry closed his eyes tightly as tears slid down his cheeks. “Don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t please-”

Barry pulled his other arm away from Cisco and immediately tried to claw the IV out, fingers scrambling for the needle.

“Barry. No. Leave it,” Cisco said firmly, and Barry immediately froze. While he knew that  _ Cisco  _ wouldn’t hurt him (Cisco was safe Cisco was safe Cisco and Iris were safe safe safe but he had to make sure that they stayed that way), They were still here, and that meant that They wouldn’t be happy at all if Barry disobeyed any orders. Even when they didn’t come from one of Them, they still had to be followed down to the letter. Or else.

Iris stroked his hair, looking at Cisco as he sighed and took Barry’s hand in his.  _ ‘What are we going to do now?’  _ He mouthed to Iris.

“I don’t know,” she murmured back, the two of them leaning forward so that they could talk quietly and hear each other without Barry being able to. “Drug him, maybe? Try a strong sedative?”

Barry’s heart jumped into his throat. All that he had heard was ‘drug him’, and he knew what followed after those words. He knew what They would do. He knew how They would tie him down and inject all sorts of unknown things into his system that would make the world spin, make him vomit over and over and over again, make his worst nightmares come to life and dance in front of his eyes. He knew what drugs They liked to give him. Not their names, but their effects.

He yanked his hand away from Cisco’s and tore his arm out of Iris’s grip, trying to get rid of the IV. That was where They would administer it, surely. The only reason why Iris and Cisco had told him that it was safe was because They had threatened to hurt them if they didn’t. Barry couldn’t blame them for that. If it meant that Cisco and Iris would be safe, it was okay that he got hurt.

“Easy, Barry, easy,” someone said, the same man that had been speaking earlier. “Calm down. It’s just to help you.”

“Please,” Barry begged, and he  _ knew  _ that he had promised that he would do anything that They asked of him, and technically this was  _ anything,  _ but he still didn’t want it. He still didn’t want it. “Please, don’t, please, I don’t want to be drugged today, p-p-please, I don’t-I don’t-I don’t want to,  _ please- _ ”

“Shh, shh,” Caitlin said hastily, holding a cup up to Barry’s lips. He felt the paper bump up against them and automatically swallowed what she poured into his mouth, hoping beyond hope that it was water.

Barry’s back immediately arched back and he tried to spit it out when he realized that it wasn’t water at all. Before he could, however, gloved hands tilted his head and and covered his mouth, holding it shut.

Caitlin sighed as she felt Barry try to pull away from her, keeping her hands in place. She  _ hated  _ that she had to do this. Barry was her  _ friend,  _ and her she was forcing him to swallow a sedative.

The doctor waited until she was absolutely sure that Barry had swallowed before taking her hands away. “There,” Caitlin said soothingly. “That wasn’t so bad, was it? It’s just to help you sleep, that’s all.”

Immediately, Barry’s hands shot up (interestingly enough, it happened at normal human speeds, just quickly) and tried to stick his fingers in his mouth and down his throat. Iris grabbed his wists, being mindful of the IV in his elbow, and pulled his hands back down before keeping them firmly in front of him.

“Barry, no. You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to make yourself sick. Stop.” She narrowed her eyes before closing them and sighing. “Barry, I know you’re scared, but this is all to help you. It’s all to make you feel better.”

He was already slipping away, giving up the fight against unconsciousness. Usually sedatives wouldn’t work on him at all, even in the high dose that Caitlin had just given him, unless they were a specially made tranquilizer. But Barry was so weak, so thin and malnourished and just plain frail and feeble that she probably could have knocked him out with half of what she had given him. The reason why Caitlin had given him such a large amount despite that was because they needed to keep him unconscious.

Just before Barry passed out, he let out one last weak little moan. “Don’t…”

Iris closed her eyes, letting go of Barry’s hand to take ahold of Cisco’s and squeeze it. He pulled her close to him and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, so that Iris’s upper body was halfway-leaning across Barry’s abdomen.

Joe sighed and sat down heavily in one of the many chairs inside of the STAR Labs medbay. “Don’t worry, sweetheart,” he sighed, looking at Iris, “he’s gonna be okay.”

The problem was, Joe didn’t know if he was telling the truth.


	4. I'm Dying to Feel Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new warnings for this chapter, aside from some sort-of graphic descriptions of wounds.

Caitlin sighed and reached forward, tugging on the strange socks that covered Barry’s feet. “Cisco, can you take his pants off? It’s better to check his lower body over now than to do it when he’s awake.”

Cisco nodded and started tugging at Barry’s pants, carefully sliding them down over his hips and wincing at the way that Barry’s bones stuck out through his skin. He stopped when he heard Caitlin’s voice.

“Oh my god.”

“What?” Cisco looked at her. His best friend’s eyes were wide with horror, and as Cisco watched she pointed to Barry’s feet.

At first he didn’t see what she was gesturing to. It could have been anything-the bloody blisters, the shards of glass that Cisco could see sticking out of the flesh, the old burns decorating parts of the foot… Then he saw the toes, and realized why Caitlin was so horrified.

Barry’s pinkie toe was missing on both of his feet, a small knot of scar tissue the only thing that remained. Caitlin’s upper lip curled up, and the temperature in the room suddenly dropped several degrees. She wasn’t just horrified and disgusted. No, she was  _ furious,  _ and an angry Killer Frost was always something to fear. Even if you weren’t on the wrong side of the law.

Joe reached over to set a hand on Caitlin’s shoulder, jaw clenched. “Calm down. I promise, we’re gonna find the people who did this, but Barry needs you to be calm right now.”

Caitlin took a deep breath, and the temperature in the room raised back normal. The white streaks in her hair stopped widening and instead slimmed down until they could have been mistaken for bleached stripes to the unknown eye. “Okay. Okay.” She looked back up at Cisco, eyes damp. “Can you take his pants off the rest of the way?”

Cisco nodded and did as she asked, pulling them off and dropping them on the ground. They certainly didn’t look like Barry’s, and judging by the obvious fact that they would have been far too big on him even when he had returned to normal weight, it was clear that his captors (whoever they had been) had been the ones to give them to him.

Cisco’s eyes fell on the backs of Barry’s legs, and he felt bile rising up in the back of his throat that he barely managed to swallow down. “I-oh, god, Caitlin, look.”

The backs of Barry’s legs were  _ covered _ in bloody marks, some of them partially scabbed over while others bleed more freely before drying on Barry’s skin. Several of the marks were oozing with yellow and white pus, and Cisco wanted to be sick all over again just looking at them. There was no visible pattern to any of them, and Cisco had no idea what they could have come from. Maybe a knife? Had someone been trying to cripple Barry, and started to just slash randomly at his legs in hopes that it would break some vital tendon or nerve?

Iris shuddered, unable to tear her eyes off of it, and Cisco grabbed her hand. “How come we didn’t notice?” She whispered, eyes glimmering with tears. “How come-we didn’t even know that they were there!”

“We’ll ask him when he wakes up,” Cisco promised.

Caitlin was the one to tear her eyes away from the damage first, rushing to get the supplies that she would need. She was almost positive that she knew what had caused those marks. How she knew, Caitlin didn’t know, because she had never seen anything like  _ that  _ before, but… One of her friends in college had wanted to be a vet and had poured over textbooks while Caitlin sometimes peered over his shoulder.

The image of lash marks on the back of a starving horse had stayed in her mind for a long, long time, and now it was called back to the forefront of her brain.

As she carefully washed the wounds, Caitlin heard Joe’s muffled curse as he punched the wall.

“How?!” He demanded. “He was supposed to be safe, he was in his room-how did they get by the alarms?! How did they take him from right out underneath our noses?!”

Iris let out a small sob. She remembered that day all-too-well. She’d been out with Wally while her dad had been working late. They’d forced Barry to go home by himself and rest after he took out a man that was using strange technology to cross over into something called ‘the Mirror Dimension.’ Barry had been exhausted, and Iris had insisted that he head home without her, telling him to get some rest and heal from his various small injuries.

When they had gotten home, Barry had been gone. Iris just assumed that he was at STAR Labs, and so did her dad when he got home. There were no signs of a struggle; for all they knew he had just gotten up and walked away on his own. In fact, that had been what they thought he had done, until Cisco vibed something that was happening to him.

All of them had looked for so long… But they hadn’t found anything. Finally, Joe and Caitlin were forced to admit that it was highly likely that Barry was dead. However, Iris and Cisco never stopped hoping that he was still alive somewhere. No matter how unlikely the chances were.

* * *

 

When Barry woke up, he could feel that there was a needle in his arm.

Immediately, Barry reached for it so that he could tear it out. But his arms were met with resistance, and  _ no no no get them off get them off get. Them. Off. Now. _

Barry started to thrash, small sobbing noises coming from his mouth. (At the back of his mind, the speedster wondered why he wasn’t gagged or muzzled.) His back arched up off of the table, and he tried to kick the straps around his ankles off. Please, please, please, he didn’t want this, he didn’t want this, he didn’t want this, he didn’t want to be cut open-and if They had drugged him, then They could have done anything that They wanted to Iris and Cisco. Anything. Anything. Anything.

And Barry was intimately familiar with Their idea of ‘anything.’

“Barry!” Somebody said, and he flinched at the loud sound, trembling. Sorry sorry sorry sorry he knew that he should have known better-”Barry, stop, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

Hands pressed down on his shoulders, and Barry went limp immediately, whimpering. Now surely They would hurt him, now surely They would be mad, he had to comply, he had to comply, he had to show Them that he knew how to be good and he knew how to behave. Barry was a good little freak, he was lucky to even be alive, he owed Them for his survival, he knew that. Barry would obey. Barry would comply. Barry would behave.

“Bar, it’s okay,” someone said, and Barry sobbed in reply. He was sorry, he hadn’t meant to anger Them, he hadn’t meant to be a bad freak, he was sorry, he was sorry, he would obey now. “We’re going to take the restraints off now, alright? But you can’t keep trying to take the IV out. It’s all to help you, Barry. The IV isn’t going to hurt you, I promise. It’s just stuff to make you feel better.”

The hands stayed on his shoulders as Barry felt the straps (which, oddly enough, didn’t seem to be leather, and were instead made of something much softer) being undone. They did his wrists first, then his ankles, and Barry realized that They hadn’t bound his throat at all. Strange. What were They planning? They had to be planning something.

No. No. No. No  _ no no no no no no.  _ Where was Cisco?! Where was Iris?! He had to find them! He had to find them! Please, please, please, he had to find them, he had to keep them safe, he had to make sure that They hadn’t hurt either of them.

Barry’s mind raced with the possibilities of what They could have done to Iris and Cisco. They probably wouldn’t have killed them-They would want him to be alert and able to see when that happened. But maybe They had blinded them, just like They had blinded Barry? Maybe They had cut of their hands, the hands that both of them needed for their jobs, and They were going to let him feel the stumps and understand that this was all his fault. Maybe They  _ had  _ killed one of them-Barry wouldn’t put it past Them.

* * *

 

_ “So  _ this  _ is what the famous Flash has been reduced to,” one of Them jeered, and Barry tried to curl up tighter on himself as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to hold back his tears. “A snivelling coward.” _

_ “Reduced? I’m pretty sure that it was like this before,” someone else snickered. “Much rather run away from a fight than finish one.” _

_ “Watch this,” the first person said, and Barry heard the familiar sound of a cattle prod. “Stand up, freak.” Barry did as he was told, rising to his feet and looking down at the floor. “Very good. Now bow to me.” _

_ Bending over at the waist, Barry bowed low, waiting for the cattle prod to make contact with his ribs. When he didn’t, he dared to hope that he might have been in the clear. That maybe They wouldn’t want to punish him this time. That, for the first time, They were satisfied with what he was doing. _

_ Barry quickly realized his mistake when one of Them bared Their teeth into a savage grin and then gestured to Their companion. “Why don’t you tell my friend here who, or rather  _ what,  _ you are." _

* * *

 

“Please,” Barry sobbed brokenly, “please, kill me instead, let Iris go, kill me instead, let Cisco go, kill me instead, please, please, please. You don’t need them, I didn’t mean to escape, I’m sorry, let them go, please. Please. You can’t hurt them. Not my family, please. Leave them alone.”

“Shh, shh,” the person holding him down said, and They lifted Their hand up from one of his shoulders to wipe his tears away with Their thumb. “Shh, Bar. It’s okay. Nobody will hurt Cisco or Iris, and nobody is going to hurt you, either. You’re safe now. You’re home. It’s okay.”

“Please,” Barry sniffled. “Please. Please. Please. Please.”

“Oh, Barry…” Fingers carded his hair back off of his forehead, the owner of them wincing at the way that the digits caught in mats created by dried blood and dirt. “It’s okay. You don’t have to beg anymore, son. You’re safe now, I promise. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“We’re right here, Barry,” Iris added, and Barry automatically looked in the direction that the sound of her voice had come from. “Cisco and I, we’re right here. And we aren’t going anywhere, I promise. Don’t worry. It’s okay. We’re both right here.”

The hands let go of him, and warm fingers slipped into his. “Caitlin and I moved another bed over,” Cisco’s voice informed him, “so now there’s room for all three of us to sit together. And this way, you have more room.” Barry reached out tentatively toward where he thought that Cisco was, and he grabbed the front of the first shirt his fingers came across. “Yeah, buddy, that’s me.”

Barry tugged Cisco toward him, pulling him down so that he was next to him. Then he pulled on the hand in his, moving Iris so that he was sandwiched in between the two of them. He was trembling hard enough to shake the two of them, as well as the beds that they were on.

“Caitlin’s going to ask you a few questions, okay?” Cisco told him, and Barry ducked his head down. He knew that this was all a trick, that They just wanted him to think that it was Caitlin asking the questions. Or maybe it would be a recording of her voice. Asking him whatever They told her to ask. “It’s fine if you can’t answer them, but do if you can, alright?”

Barry nodded. He would obey. He would answer every question that They asked him. Barry would be a good little freak.

“Okay,” a feminine voice said, the same ice-voice from before, and Barry stiffened and tried his best to get into the Position while still holding on to Cisco and Iris. “Do you know how old you are?”

Barry paused for a moment. He knew this. He knew this. “I am… 26?” Barry answered tentatively. “I believe that I am 26, Ma’am.”

The ice-woman sighed and Barry stiffened, scared that he had failed. “That’s right. Do you know what year it is?”

Barry hesitated. “I-I think that it is 2016, Ma’am.”

“Very good,” the woman praised him, and Barry perked up. He was doing well? He was passing this test? Maybe this meant that They would give him something to eat later! She paused. “Can you tell us why you didn’t tell us that you were hurt? That your legs had been injured?”

Barry bowed his head. “I did not say anything because I understand that I deserve my punishment, Ma’am. I understand that I need to stay quiet, or else I will be silenced. Nobody wants to know what something like me thinks. So I have to bear my punishment.”

“Oh, Bar, no,” the same voice that had held him down said, sounding strangely horrified. “No punishment. I promise, there’s no punishment.”

No… No punishment? But… Why not? Barry had been bad, Barry had deserved it, he always always always deserved it. He always did.

“Can you tell me your name?” The ice-crumbling-voice said, sounding as if she was dreading the answer.

Oh, Barry knew the answer to that! They had been drilling it into his head for so long, of course he knew the answer to that! He would make Them proud, he would show Them that he was a good asset who knew his place and knew what he was supposed to do. Barry would show Them that he was trained. They always said that nobody would want an untrained pet. So Barry would show Them that he was trained!

“I’m a freak,” Barry recited dutifully back to Them in a monotone voice. “I’m a weapon. I’m a tool. I’m a monster. I live to serve my masters. I’m not a person. I don’t have a name. Things like me don’t get to have names. We don’t get names because we’re the scum of the Earth, and nobody will ever care about us. I’m a freak, I’m a freak, I’m a freak, I’m only alive out of the mercy of my masters, I’m a freak, I don’t get a name. I don’t have a name. I’m only a tool.”

Barry heard a strangled gasp and cowered away from it, only to jump back in its direction when he heard a low voice swear and then the sound of an impact. No, no, he had tried to do well, he had tried to give Them the right answer, please, he was sorry.

Heavy hands clamped down on his shoulders and Barry cringed. Sorry sorry sorry sorry he was so, so, so sorry. He hadn’t meant to disobey, he hadn’t meant to be bad, he was just trying to follow orders and be a good freak like he was supposed to.

“Barry, listen to me,” the same familiar voice that sounded like Joe’s but  _ couldn’t  _ have been his said. “I need you to answer me honestly. Do you believe all of that?”

Barry nodded as fast as he could, face blurring slightly before he realized that  _ no, no, he was using his speed, and that was against the rules.  _ “Yes, Sir. I know my place, Sir. I understand that I’m worthless, that I’m a freak that nobody will ever care about. I know my place, Sir.”

“No. You have a name, Barry Allen. Bartholomew Henry Allen. You’re my son, Barry, and you are loved. So, so loved. Do you understand that?” The person said firmly, although their voice sounded like they were on the verge of tears.

Barry trembled as a few tears slid down his hollow cheeks and dripped off of his chin. “N-no, I don’t-please, Sir, I know my place, I-I-I-I-”

Arms wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him close, pressing him up against a warm solid chest. He buried his face in it, sniffling as he dug his fingers into the soft fabric of a shirt. It certainly didn’t  _ feel  _ like this person was one of Them, and they smelled safe. Familiar. Like he should have known who they were, but he’d forgotten.

The arms pulled away and Barry braced himself to be hit, but instead something hard and metallic was pressed into his hands. He turned it over in confusion, fumbling for the edges as he tried to figure out what it was. The shape was familiar, from something not-too-long-ago, and the grooves and points digging into the skin on his palms and remaining nine fingers.

Oh. Oh, he knew what it was. This was a police badge.

Barry looked up in confusion, momentarily forgetting that he couldn’t see. Why had They given this to him…?

Or-or maybe… Maybe it wasn’t one of Them, since They were never kind. Maybe there was some sort of inspection of the facility and the police officer was the one who had been sent here to do it. But-but did that mean that they would know Joe? Would know his family? It was unlikely, since Barry knew that he had been moved around quite a bit, and probably wasn’t even in Central City or even Keystone anymore. Even so, please, he had to have  _ some  _ hope.

(Maybe, if a police officer was here, They would have to pretend to be humane. They would have to pretend to be good. So… So maybe They would feed him? Please, please, please feed him. At least a little bit. He knew that it was unlikely, but  _ please,  _ he was so hungry even after he had thrown up. Please. He had to hope that They would give him a little bit of food.)

He was only saying what They wanted him to say. He was just telling Them what They wanted to hear, please, he was a person (wasn’t he?), he was real (right?), he felt pain (that much was certain), please, Barry had to keep trying to believe that he was a real person. (Wasn’t he? Or was Barry just lying to himself when he told himself that he was more than the speck of dirt that They always said he was?)

Barry leaned backward, trying to whisper but flinching at the way that it hurt his throat. “Please don’t hurt me.”

“I won’t, son, I promise,” the voice said thickly. “I’m going to get you out of here, alright? I’m going to help you. I’m going to bring you home, okay Barry?”

He trembled. No, no, no, he couldn’t go home yet, he couldn’t go home without Cisco, without Iris, without Caitlin if she really was here too. He couldn’t go home. He couldn’t go home. (And home wasn’t safe anyways, They always said that They would find him, that if anybody at home really cared about him at all then he wouldn’t be there with Them.)

“I’m going to get Iris and Cisco too, don’t worry,” the person said like the owner of the voice had sensed his fears. “And Caitlin. All of us are going home, okay? Where it’s safe. You’re going to be safe.”

While Joe was comforting Barry, he reached over and wrote down on a piece of paper in messy and rushed handwriting,  _ ‘We’ll have to chance giving him thin broth and water. He needs to come home, Caitlin, he can’t stay here. It’s just making him worse.’ _

Caitlin took a deep breath before writing down her reply. She’d much rather Barry stay at STAR Labs where she could monitor him, but… Joe was right.  _ ‘Okay. Fine. But I’m going to bring some stuff. Painkillers and sedatives.” _

Joe nodded to her and held Barry closer. His son was coming home.


	5. Don't Look Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes (not particularly graphic) self-harm on top of the other warnings for the fic. Tread carefully.

Joe carefully scooped Barry up, wincing at the way that the speedster flinched and quailed away from his touch. “Easy, it’s okay,” he murmured comfortingly. “It’s okay, it’s alright, it’s just me, you’re safe. You’re safe, Bar. It’s okay. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

Barry whimpered and reached out, grasping weakly at the air. “‘Ris,” he muttered, “Cisco!”

The two immediately grabbed his hands, making Barry relax just slightly. Caitlin followed after them as Joe carried Barry out of the STAR Labs medbay, grabbing everything that she would need on the way out. Painkillers strong enough to affect him, bandages, ointment, sedatives, and things like that.

Joe fumbled with the keys to his car, trying to keep Barry supported in his arms while still unlocking the car and opening the door. Iris relieved him of the keys and opened the car on her own, climbing into the backseat and patting the spot next to her in the middle of the back.

“You can put Barry down here, Dad.”

Joe nodded and carefully set Barry down. He whimpered and tried to curl up tight on himself before suddenly unfurling and exposing his throat and chest like he was waiting for a blow. Or, probably, to be punished for his disobedience. Joe’s stomach clenched at the thought of a faceless someone stabbing a cattle prod into his son’s chest, arm pulling back a whip that they were about to crack down across Barry’s ribs.

Cisco climbed into the back next to them, sandwiching Barry in between him and Iris. Caitlin got into the passenger seat, setting her bag down at her feet and bracing it in place with her legs. Joe looked at the four of them for a moment before getting into the driver’s seat and putting the car into reverse.

As soon as the car started moving, Barry let out a small strangled cry, blind eyes widening with fear as he tried to sit up and scramble to freedom. Iris had made the smart decision not to buckle his seatbelt, but that didn’t mean that Barry wasn’t panicking and trying to get out.

(What had Barry said when he was begging for mercy? That the van had flipped? Shit, this was bound to bring up memories of being transported. Thank god his house wasn’t very far from STAR.)

“Shh, Bar, we’re just heading home,” Iris said softly, pulling Barry’s head down onto her shoulder and rubbing his arm comfortingly.

Cisco took his other hand and squeezed it gently. “It’s okay, you’re safe,” he repeated over and over again. “You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe…”

Barry let out a small sob, trying to hold onto both of them as hard as he could.

* * *

 

_Barry struggled and kicked, trying to breathe. His lungs felt like they were going to burst, please, please, please…_

_The wet cloth was momentarily removed from his face, and Barry could feel Them inspecting him. “Do you think its learned its lesson yet?”_

_“It did say that it was thirsty,” a different one of Them sneered, and Barry coughed weakly while trying to breathe. “Better teach it a lesson it won’t forget. Begging isn’t allowed.”_

* * *

 

“Please don’t hurt me,” Barry whimpered quietly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll do better next time, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know I deserve to be punished, but _please,_ I didn’t mean to, please-”

“Shhh,” Cisco hummed, purring softly to calm Barry down. “Shhh, we’re here, we’re here, it’s safe. You’re safe, it’s okay. You’re safe, I promise. Iris and I are right here, we’re going to keep you safe, okay? You’re safe, you’re safe, shh, shh, you’re safe.”

Cisco’s purring and Iris’s petting of Barry’s hair managed to keep Barry calm until Joe pulled up in his driveway and realized the mistake that he had made. He swore, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“What’s wrong?” Iris asked from the backseat, keeping her voice even and level to keep Barry from panicking again.

Joe looked back at her over his shoulder. “We didn’t tell Wally that we found Barry.”

Iris’s eyes widened. “Shit.”

“At least he’s out tonight,” Joe sighed, “but as soon as he gets back I’m going to tell him. It’s not really the kind of news that’s best delivered over the phone.”

Barry’s head started to raise up off of Iris’s shoulder and he looked around, making small squeaking sounds of distress. What was going on where was he what was wrong were they safe did They find him no no no no no no Iris Iris Cisco Cisco were they okay were they okay were they okay-

Cisco started purring again, encouraging Barry to do the same as he gently stroked his fellow metahuman’s hair. Barry pulled away from Iris slightly (although he kept his grip on the woman’s arm to make sure that she was still there) and curled close to Cisco, trying to make himself small and tuck himself up underneath the engineer’s chin. Cisco rocked him a bit, although it was difficult to do in the small backseat of Joe’s car. Especially because Iris was back there too.

Joe sighed and got out of the car, opening Caitlin’s door for her and letting her out as he tried to decide which side to open the backseat doors on. It may not have seemed like a big decision, but anything could have made Barry panic and accidentally hurt himself or others in his frantic attempts to escape from people that he believed would hurt him, and that was the last thing that they wanted.

As it turned out, Iris made the decision for him, opening the door and calling out to Barry to encourage him to follow the sound of her voice. He let go of Cisco (only to grab him again moments later and pull on his shirt to take the other man out with him) and reached out blindly for Iris, trying to find her.

She gently took his hand and carefully pulled him out of the car to stand in the driveway, supporting him and letting him lean on both her and Cisco.

Caitlin was already waiting politely outside of the front door, holding her bag tightly. Joe unlocked the door, the sound of it opening making Barry flinch as Iris and Cisco helped him climb up the stairs onto the porch. He started to shy away, bowing his head (this had been a test it had all been a test They just wanted to see what he would do and now he had failed, he had failed, They would punish him now) and whining quietly.

Cisco and Iris kept him moving, murmuring comforting things to him that Joe couldn’t hear. Caitlin was inside before all of them, beckoning for Joe to follow her while Iris and Cisco helped Barry sit down on the couch.

Joe went into the kitchen with Caitlin, where they wouldn’t have to worry about Barry hearing them. “What is it?”

She pulled several bottles out of her bag, setting them down on the kitchen counter. Caitlin tapped the first one with her finger. “This is a painkiller for him to take after eating and before he goes to sleep. You can dissolve it or crush it into his food or you can try to get him to take it on his own, which might not work.” Then she pointed to the next bottle. “These are sedatives. They won’t be as fast-working as the one I used to drug him earlier at the lab, but it should take only around fifteen minutes. At least until he gets stronger.”

“What about that one?” Joe asked, gesturing to the third bottle in the row.

“Also a painkiller, but that one will make him a little drowsy. It’s not very strong, but it’s still good to have on hand. Don’t give it to him less than a forty-five minutes after you give him the other one, not less than a half hour if it’s _absolutely_ necessary. He shouldn’t be allergic to any of them, but if he starts experiencing any side effects that aren’t just a part of the recovery process then call me,” Caitlin instructed him.

Joe nodded and stuck his head out of the kitchen to look at Iris, Cisco, and Barry. Barry was still in the middle, although they had somehow convinced him to lay down with Barry’s head in Iris’s lap and his legs draped over Cisco’s. Iris was stroking his hair, and Cisco was purring loud enough that Joe could clearly hear it even from where he was standing.

“Shh, Bar,” Iris murmured soothingly as Barry tried to lift his head up. He wanted to look around, he wanted to know where he was, he wanted to be able to see what punishment They were coming up with. The police officer (was he really a police officer?) was gone, and so was the woman that They had _lied lied lied_ and said was Caitlin. “It’s okay.”

Cisco rubbed Barry’s leg, trying not to irritate any of his injuries. “We’re safe, Barry, we’re safe. It’s okay. Everything’s okay. Don’t worry.”

Joe walked up and set a hand on Iris’s shoulder, making her jump slightly. Barry twitched and flinched at the movement, worried that something had happened to her. That They had come along and hurt her as his punishment. Iris hummed and gently rubbed his cheek and the bottom of his jaw, avoiding the bruises.

“Let’s get him upstairs,” Joe decided. Caitlin came up behind him and eyed Barry critically.

“He needs a bath first,” she decided. “That’ll also help us see what his other wounds are, if I missed anything when I was looking him over.”

Barry froze. No, no, no, he didn’t like ‘baths’, he didn’t like them at all _(“Let’s clean the thing off before the next test.”)_ , they were scary and They would hold him down underwater and drown him again before hauling him up and immediately shoving him back under. Please, please, no baths, no baths.

Cisco stroked Barry’s nose, making the metahuman automatically arch his back and purr contentedly, looking surprised at his own actions. Iris smiled down at him and ran her fingers through his hair, letting out a small laugh that was half sob at the way that Barry immediately closed his eyes and practically _melted_ against her and Cisco.

“Shh, Barry,” Cisco said, “we just have to get you cleaned up. It’s okay. Nothing bad will happen. I’m gonna be right there, don’t worry. You don’t even have to let go of me. It’s okay.”

Barry shook but understood that he didn’t actually have a choice in the matter. He never did. He was supposed to obey the whim of his masters, whatever They wanted him to do he would do. He was nothing but a tool, nothing but a weapon. Barry knew his place.

Hands picked him up, their owner wincing at how light he was, even though they had carried him before. Somehow, Barry seemed even _more_ frail now than he had earlier. Barry let himself go limp, head lolling and arms trailing weakly.

Joe and Cisco exchanged glances. It almost would have been better (albeit more difficult) if Barry had been fighting, if there had been _some_ sort of spark left in him. But instead he’s just… Limp. Compliant. Weak. Joe got the feeling that they could have done pretty much anything to him, could have hurt him and tortured him in any way at all, and Barry wouldn’t even have struggled.

Cisco kept his hand in Barry’s, keeping him as grounded as possible. Barry squeezed it as hard as he could with his remaining four fingers, whimpering quietly even as he stayed limp and still.

“It’s okay,” Cisco assured him. “It’s just a bath, alright? No-no punishment. I promise. I’ll be right there the whole time. Nobody will hurt you, it’s okay. Iris and I are safe, don’t worry.” Iris nodded and squeezed Barry’s shoulder as Cisco continued. “You did a good job, you protected us, you kept us safe. Now let us keep you safe too, okay? Let us protect you.”

“I won’t be there, Barry,” Iris added. “But as soon as the bath is over I’ll be waiting. I’m just getting you clothes. They’ll be all nice and warm and cozy for you, okay?”

The speedster shook enough to almost burn Joe’s arms with his fear. Please don’t take his clothes, please don’t take his clothes, please don’t take his clothes. They only ever took Barry’s clothes when They were punishing him or testing him. When They would make him cut himself. When They would order him to stay still while They cut him open. When They wanted to humiliate and degrade him. When They wanted to whip him and punish him for his failure. Punish him because he wasn’t good enough, wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t-

“Shhhhhhhh, shhhhh,” Cisco murmured, purring quietly. “Shh, Barry, it’s okay. I’ll be right there, remember? I’ll be right there. Don’t worry, I’ll be right there. I won’t let anybody hurt you, alright? I’ll protect you. Nobody is gonna hurt you, Barry.”

“Please,” Barry whispered, so quietly he was practically mouthing the words. “Please, please, don’t-please. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I don’t want to.”

As Joe carried Barry up the stairs, Cisco followed, holding on to Barry’s hand as well as he could and comforting the other metahuman with purring and murmured soothing words. Barry kept whimpering, sobbing quietly. But he didn’t even try to squirm free, just stayed limp and broken in Joe’s arms. The cop could feel his son’s bones through what remained of his clothes (Barry’s shirt and pants had been replaced while he was unconscious), wincing every time that he took another step up the stairs.

“I’ll draw the bath,” Cisco muttered, slipping around Joe and letting go of Barry’s hand. “I don’t think it’d be a good idea to do it with him in the room.”

Barry stayed limp for another few moments before he started to shake even harder and make weak sounds of confusion and fear, hands grasping blindly where Cisco had been. Joe sighed and adjusted Barry’s position in his arms, making the speedster whimper and stop moving altogether.

“It’s okay, Bar,” Joe promised. “Cisco will be back soon, alright? He’s coming back, I promise. He’s coming back. He’s safe, Cisco’s safe, and so are you.”

 _‘Please,’_ Barry mouthed. _‘Please. Please.’_

Joe pushed Barry’s hair off of his forehead. “It’s okay. You’re safe. You don’t have to beg, Barry, you’re safe, I promise you’re safe. Shh.”

Cisco stuck his head out of the bathroom. “The tub’s full. Warm water. I tried not to make it too hot.”

Barry squeaked, opening his mouth like he was about to start pleading again before he closed it and let out a small silent sob instead. As Joe pushed open the door to the bathroom, Cisco hopped backwards and jumped up onto the lid of the toilet seat. Joe gave him a disapproving look but didn’t say anything as he carefully set Barry down on the floor of the bathroom.

The younger man stretched out there, much to Joe and Cisco’s surprise, hands down by his sides and legs partially apart. His head was tilted back and his blind blue-green eyes were tightly closed as a few stray tears leaked out of them.

Joe frowned and exchanged a glance with Cisco. The engineer shrugged, frowned, and chewed on his lower lip, looking as mystified as Joe felt. Cisco clambered off of the toilet lid to crouch down carefully on the floor on the slim white-tiled space between the bathtub and Barry’s head, wincing at the way Barry’s tears started to fall faster.

“Hey, Barry, can you tell me what you’re doing?” Cisco asked him quietly.

In a flash of yellow, Barry shot upwards, entire body twisting at super-speed to wrap around Cisco. The metahuman let out a small strangled yelp of surprise, falling over and almost cracking his skull open on the toilet seat.

Joe blinked at the way that Barry had wrapped almost his entire body around Cisco like a starfish, clinging to him with his face buried in the crook of Cisco’s neck. Cisco tried not to make any sudden movement as Barry tucked himself closer to him, making the engineer’s neck wet with his tears.

“Don’t take him, please,” Barry whimpered, voice muffled by Cisco’s shirt and skin. “Please don’t, you can’t-please, I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll be good. I promise. I’ll do anything”-Cisco felt a small shiver (accompanied by what felt like a small static shock) run through the speedster’s body at the word ‘anything-“please, just don’t hurt Cisco. Don’t hurt Iris. Please.”

Tentatively, Cisco hugged Barry back, letting the terrified metahuman snuggle up close to him and whimper into his ear. “Hey, Bar,” he murmured, using Iris and Joe’s nickname for him almost unconsciously, “it’s okay. Joe isn’t going to hurt me _or_ Iris, I promise. And he isn’t gonna hurt you either. Don’t worry, you’re safe. You’re safe, you’re safe, I promise you’re safe.”

No no no no no no no no not safe never safe Barry was never safe They would find him They would hurt him They would hurt his family and They were here They were here They were here didn’t Cisco realize-

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, it’s okay,” Cisco rushed to say as he felt Barry’s heartbeat kick up even more, the frantic hummingbird thrumming ringing throughout both of their bodies. “Shh, Bar, shh, I’m going to protect you, got it? Don’t worry. It’s okay, I’ll be right here the whole time. Joe isn’t going to hurt you, he loves you, he just wants to help you. That’s it. He wants to help you the same way that Iris and I want to help you. It’s okay, Barry. You’re safe. We’ll keep you safe, alright?”

Barry managed to nod minisculey into Cisco’s neck, mumbling inaudible words against it.

Cisco tugged gently on the bottom of Barry’s shirt. “Can I take this off?”

Barry whined softly. They only ever wanted to take his clothes when They were going to do something bad, They would only ever take his clothes when They had a test or an experiment or a punishment to do. But this was an order, and Barry had seen the consequences of failing orders far to often to disobey one now. Especially when They had Iris and Cisco and maybe Caitlin and maybe maybe maybe (please no please They couldn’t) Joe, too.

Cisco carefully tugged Barry’s shirt off over the other man’s head, wincing at the fresh view of the scars and bruises and healing injuries. Barry shivered in the cold bathroom, reaching up like he was going to cover his ears. Before he could, Barry’s hand shot down at impossible speeds to dig his fingernails into his arm, deep enough to raise a small crescent of blood.

Punish punish punish he had to punish himself he had to punish himself he had failed to properly follow an order he had failed Barry was a failure he was a failure he was a defect Barry had _used his powers without permission,_ that was a direct violation of Their orders, he needed to be punished and They said that if he disobeyed orders he had to punish himself.

“Hey! Barry, _no,”_ Cisco exclaimed. He grabbed the speedster’s wrist and pulled has hand away from his arm, making Barry flinch. “Don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself.” Barry struggled to pull his hand away and continue clawing at his own skin (which was already bloody and ripped from his fingernails). _“No,_ Barry. You can’t do that. You’re making yourself bleed. Stop that.”

Barry kept trying to squirm and claw before he realized that by doing so, he was _defying orders,_ and that caused him to go limp and still.

Cisco sighed at how terrified Barry was before pulling on Barry’s pants. “I’m going to take these off too, okay?”

When Barry didn’t respond, Cisco exchanged a glance with Joe. The detective looked like he was going to be sick, although with horror, shock, or plain old rage Cisco couldn’t tell. And he didn’t know if he wanted to.

Tugging Barry’s pants off and wincing at the bandages around his legs, Cisco gestured for Joe to come closer.

“I don’t think I’m strong enough to get him into the tub,” Cisco explained. “At least not without hurting him some.”

Joe carefully picked Barry up, the metahuman still completely silent aside from the small stifled sobs. As he set Barry down inside of the tub full of now slightly-cooled water, Barry whimpered and flinched. When Joe reached for the soap-keeping one hand on Barry’s shoulder-Barry squirmed and sloshed around in the water until he was kneeling down, head bowed low enough that his forehead was almost touching the surface of the water and hands tucked behind his back.

Cisco frowned and awkwardly waddled forward while still crouching down to stand next to the tub, reaching out and touching Barry’s back with one hand. He shivered underneath Cisco’s hand, flinching away as the engineer’s fingers made contact with the bones sticking out of his spine.

“It’s okay,” Cisco assured him. “It’s okay, don’t worry. You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe.”

* * *

 

_Cisco drummed his fingers idly on the desk as he watched Iris, Joe, Caitlin, Jesse, and Harry all try to figure out where it was that Barry could have gone. There were no signs of a struggle, so he had probably left willingly, but they still had no idea where he was._

_The metahuman was helping in his own way-as much as he would have_ loved _to help out by pinging Barry’s phone or something like that (phone was a bad example, seeing as how it was still at Joe’s house), Harry had told him to stay in one place and try to get a vibe off of Barry’s location. He’d suggested using the goggles, but Cisco hadn’t wanted to until it was clear that he wasn’t going to get a vibe without them._

_“Guys, I don’t think this is working,” Cisco announced. “We might have to try the goggles after all.”_

_Iris reached over to squeeze his hand encouragingly. “Just keep trying.”_

_“I don’t know if-” Cisco felt something under his skin_ change _(there was no better word for what he had just felt), and then he was plunged into a vision._

_It was disjointed and choppy and he could hardly tell what was going on. Cisco couldn’t tell what was up and what was down, couldn’t tell what he was seeing, but-_

_Blood. Bone. Light shining off of sharp tools and trays. And screaming, oh god, there was so much familiar screaming-_

_Cisco snapped out of the vibe with a strangled sob, eyes flickering gold and silver._

_Everyone was crowded around him in two seconds, pressing close to him and firing off questions that all boiled down to pretty much the same thing: “What did you see?”_

_Cisco shook his head. “I don’t know-oh, god. I don’t think-Barry didn’t leave. He was taken.”_

* * *

 

Joe started to carefully wash the dried blood and dirt out of Barry’s hair, staining the water pinkish brown. Cisco carefully started working on Barry’s shoulders and back, washing away the filth and sighing when Barry cowered. He was still in that strange position, but at Cisco watched he slowly unfurled when Joe pulled his shoulders up to wash Barry’s chest.

As the dirt and blood was washed away, new scars and bruises were revealed. Some of them were old enough to start yellowing, while other ones were fresh and had might have come from his escape attempt. Cisco tried to be careful, but wasn’t able to avoid them entirely.

Cisco was also the one to wash Barry’s arm where he had been clawing at it. He’d done a surprisingly large amount of damage in such a short time, and there were strips of flesh torn away, and some of them were still attached to Barry’s arm. Cisco considered pulling them off, but that was a) kinda icky and b) potentially unsanitary. He’d have to ask Caitlin about that.

When Cisco touched the washcloth to the injured spot Barry automatically flinched, trying to pull his arm closer to him where he could protect it. They had ordered him to punish himself… But then They had been mad when he had. So it was safer for him to keep it close to him until it healed and he knew what Their new orders were.

Cisco purred to him, trying to comfort the traumatized speedster as well as he could while Joe finished cleaning him up. “Shh, Bar, shh.”

“Almost done, Barry,” Joe promised, grabbing a towel and handing it to Cisco as he lifted the dripping speedster out of the bath and pulled up the drain. “You just need to dry off now, alright? We’ll help you. It’s okay. You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe.”

Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.

They kept saying that. Like They didn’t know that he was never safe, that he was a weapon, and weapons were never, never, ever safe. They belonged to their masters, nothing but tools. They were _never_ safe.

It didn’t even sound like a real word anymore to Barry’s ears. Just background noise, a low buzzing hum that repeated lies.

 _Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop._ Barry chanted over and over again in his head. He didn’t even realize that he was whispering the word out loud. _Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop._ He lifted his hands up and tried to cover his ears, tried to claw at them to get them to stop _ringing,_ to stop _feeling the way that they did,_ to get them to _stop, stop, stop, stop, stop._

Firm hands grabbed his own, not Cisco’s calloused warm ones or Iris’s gentle cool ones. No, no, no, no, please, let him go, let him go, he just wanted to make it stop. Make it stop. Please make it stop. Make. It. All. _Stop._

“Barry, you can’t keep hurting yourself,” Joe said firmly. “You’re going to end up doing something really bad. You need to stop.”

Barry’s breath came faster. Stop, stop, stop, all he was trying to do was make it stop. That was what he was trying to do. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Someone rubbed something soft but still sort-of rough up and down his arms with surprising gentleness. The same thing ruffled his hair and scraped down his body, pausing at the bandages.

“Caitlin might have to change those,” Joe said thoughtfully.

Barry trembled. No, They couldn’t make Caitlin become one of Them, They couldn’t do all of Their terrible experiments to _her_ too. Please. He’d be good, leave her alone, don’t make her into the same monster that They had made him.

Barry felt someone pick him up and went limp, but he was only carried for a second before being set down somewhere so, so, so soft and so springy and lovely. He could have just burrowed into it forever.

Soft fabric pressed down over his head, and for a moment Barry was terrified that They were going to smother him, that They were going to kill him and then leave his body while forcing Iris and Cisco and probably Caitlin too to stare at it. He would be made into an example of what happened when you were disobedient. A reminder of what _not_ to do.

But instead the fabric (a clean shirt? But why?) was pulled down the rest of the way, the same thing happening to his legs with what was hopefully pants no matter how unlikely it might have been.

Barry reached out and grabbed onto Cisco, clinging to him as well as he could while blindly seeking out Iris with his other hand. A cool hand grabbed his, and Barry pulled Iris toward him and against him so that he was sandwiched between them.

Just as Iris and Cisco were about to push Barry onto the bed and tuck him down underneath the blanket, everyone in the room (which was everybody) heard the sound of a door opening.

“Dad? Iris? I’m home. And I bought some groceries!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daily reminder that reviews and comments keep me going! Tell me what you liked, your favorite moment, or if I made a grammatical error somewhere in the chapter.


	6. Idealism Sits In Prison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the continued support! I'm actually in Spain at the moment, so the next update might not be for a little bit (although it should be up soon).
> 
> I don't think that there are any new warnings for this chapter, but thank you again for all of the feedback. You guys/gals/nb pals don't know how much my face lights up when I see that I have a new comment on any of my works. Seriously.

Wally looked around. There hadn’t been an answer. Maybe they were asleep already? But Iris had said that she would talk to him about finding some sort of internship at Mercury Labs with Jesse...

He carried the groceries into the kitchen and set them down on the counter. He’d unpack them tomorrow. It wasn’t like there was really anything to be put in the fridge right away.

As he headed up the stairs, Wally realized with a start that the door to his dad’s bedroom was wide open. And was that-

“Caitlin?” Wally asked, stepping into the room and looking around in confusion. “What are you doing here? I-oh my god!” Wally stopped and stared. “Barry?”

The older man looked around at his voice, flinching back against Iris. Wally frowned.

“Um, Barry? It’s me. We thought you were _dead,_ man, where-” He cut himself off and frowned even deeper as Barry tried to push Iris and Cisco back against the wall behind them while still cowering. “Er, Barry, what’s wrong? Dad, what’s he doing? Dad?”

Joe sighed and looked at Barry before glancing back at Wally. “Wally, will you-I need to talk to you. Out in the hallway.”

Wally nodded and backed out of the room, finding himself unable to tear his eyes away from where Barry was standing.

As soon as both of them were outside of the bedroom, Joe reached out and closed the door before sighing and waiting for Wally’s questions. Of which he had a lot.

“What’s going on?” Wally demanded as soon as the door was safely shut behind them. “Why didn’t you guys tell me that Barry was back? And-and why’s he acting like that? What’s wrong?”

“Barry’s… Wally, whoever had him… It was bad. Very, very, very bad,” Joe sighed. “They tortured him, conditioned him, blinded him… He’s practically brainwashed, Wally. Barry doesn’t even know that he’s safe right now. Iris and Cisco are the only ones that he recognizes, although earlier I think he knew me.”

Wally’s eyes were as wide as dinner plates. “No. I don’t believe you.” Except he was telling the truth, and the problem was that Wally knew it. “Who would do that? I mean, why would anybody even… Barry’s a _hero,_ he helps people! Why would someone do something like that to him?”

Joe shook his head. “We still don’t know. I’m going to ask him soon, because the faster this person is behind bars the better, but I don’t want to spook him yet. He’s so mistrustful that he might think we’re just asking him to trick him, especially since he seems to believe that we’re the same people as the ones who tortured him.”

Wally thought for a moment. Some small part of him was still clinging to the belief that this wasn’t real, that it was all some sort of cruel practical joke on him. But it wasn’t, it wasn’t, and the rest of him knew that Barry, no matter who it was that had taken him, was going to need a _lot_ of support so that he could recover.

“I want to see him. I wanted to talk to him,” Wally decided. When Joe opened his mouth to protest, Wally continued in a rush. "You said that he recognized Iris and Cisco, maybe he’ll know me, too. We won’t know unless we try. Barry saved my life, now it’s my turn to help him.”

Before his father could say anything else, Wally slipped around him and pushed the door open.

Iris and Cisco were lying on the bed with Barry in between them. The speedster was holding onto them desperately from his place underneath the covers, a tiny ball of shaking fear. Wally’s words died in his throat as he looked at Barry.

The two images in his head didn’t match up. One was of the way that Barry had been before, and the other one was of how the metahuman was now. They just didn’t make sense. None of it made any sense. Barry wasn’t supposed to be like this, he was brave and kind and had dorky crushes on his friends and made bad puns with Cisco and saved people. He didn’t cower beneath the blankets, whimpering, eyes squeezed tightly shut while he held onto Iris and Cisco.

Wally felt like he was going to be sick.

“Barry?” Wally said softly. Barry half-raised his head, letting out a small whimper as he pulled Iris and Cisco closer to him. “Barry, do you remember me? I mean, do you remember my voice?”

Wally felt horrible as soon as he said the words. Barry didn’t even recognize Joe and Caitlin. Wally wasn’t nearly as close to him as they were, and if Barry didn’t know them… What chance would Wally have? Iris and Barry had grown up together, and Barry and Cisco had always been close. Wally hardly knew the guy when he really thought about it.

Barry furrowed his brow, eyes staring blankly off over Wally’s shoulder. They suddenly widened and Barry thrashed, legs kicking out as he tried to scramble upright. “No, no, leave Wally alone!” He shouted, startling the others. “Leave him alone, leave him alone, he’s just a kid, pl-please. He’s not a p-p-part of his, pl-pl-pl-please, just leave him alone, leave Wally alone…”

His words dissolved into sobbing as Iris and Cisco held him close while Wally stared in utter shock and horror.

Joe rested a hand on Wally’s shoulder. “Come on, son,” he said quietly. “I don’t think you should be here.”

“No!” Barry screeched. “No, no, don’t take Wally, I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I’ll be good, leave Wally alone!”

“Don’t worry,” Wally tried to reassure him, although the words felt hollow and fell flat on his tongue. “I’m not going anywhere. Nobody is gonna hurt me, Barry, don’t worry. It’s okay.” When Barry still didn’t stop crying, Wally sighed and sat down in the chair next to Joe’s bed. “I’ll be right here. You can’t see me, but I’m here.”

Iris carded Barry’s wet hair back from his forehead, whispering comforting words to him while Cisco let Barry hold onto him with one of the speedster’s arms wrapped all of the way around his chest. Joe disappeared for a moment, only to return with a cup of milk (laced with painkillers) that Iris coaxed Barry to drink despite his hesitation and fear.

“Please,” Barry whispered. “Don’t hurt him. Don’t hurt any of them. It was an accident, it was an accident, I wasn’t trying to escape. Please, you have to believe me.” He started crying even harder. “You have to, you have to, you have to-to-to believe me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m s-s-so so-so-so-sorry.”

“It’s alright, son, it’s okay. We believe you,” Joe reassured him.

“Please,” Barry continued to plead, tears streaming down his face, “please, it was an accident, you have to believe me, I’m so sorry, it was a mistake, I’m sorry-please. Please. Please believe me.”

“We do,” Joe promised. “We believe you. Just lie down and try to fall asleep. Nothing will happen to them.”

“R-r-really?” Barry whispered.

“Yes, really. Now go to sleep, Bar. It’s okay. You’re safe.” Joe pushed Barry’s hair back off of his forehead and let him lie down, cuddling close to Iris and Cisco. Joe stayed there for another few moments before turning around and leaving the room, calling over his shoulder quietly to Caitlin as he went that he was going to get something for her to sleep on.

Joe came back with a fully blown-up air mattress (privately, Wally wondered how he had filled it so fast and so quietly) that he tossed down on the floor. Caitlin curled up on it, and Joe took his seat in the second chair in his bedroom, the one facing the door.

He wasn’t going to let his son get hurt ever again.

* * *

 

When Barry woke up, he was surprisingly warm. Cozy. Bodies pressed close on either side of him. It didn’t smell like it did with Them, so maybe… Oh. Oh. Oh. Barry understood.

This was another hallucination.

Barry got them, sometimes. Not often. But enough that he knew that they always hurt.

There were two kinds of hallucinations that Barry would get; auditory and visual. The visual ones usually weren’t like this, where he could feel the comforting warmth all around him. And since he couldn’t see anyways (all dark all dark all dark can’t see what happened can’t see), this couldn’t have been a visual one. But it wouldn’t make any sense for it to be auditory, either, since all he could hear was soft slow breathing.

Something stirred next to him and Barry felt warm fingers touch his face.

“H… Hey,” someone yawned. “You’re awake.”

Cisco Cisco Cisco that was Cisco’s voice-and it all came rushing back.

Barry gasped quietly and grabbed out for the engineer, flailing around with his other arm and grabbing for Iris. That ended up waking her up, making the journalist groan and yawn, screwing up her eyes since they hadn’t turned off all of the lights before going to sleep.

“Barry?” She murmured. “What’s wrong? Did you have another nightmare?”

Nightmare? Oh, right. Cisco remembered being woken up by Barry screaming and sobbing before momentarily waking up only to pass back out again. That had happened several times, which probably explained why Cisco was so damn tired.

Barry seemed confused, and Cisco wondered if he even remembered his dreams. If he remembered sobbing into Cisco’s shirt and saying words far too fast for the human ear to catch. If he recalled wrapping his arms around Iris’s shoulders and trying not to talk, whimpering out that “I’ll be good, I’ll be good, don’t hurt them, I’ll be good, I promise I’ll be good.”

Cisco stroked the bridge of Barry’s nose again, remembering the day that he first learned the speedster’s reaction to the sensation (it had been only a few days after they found out that petting Barry’s hair made him purr). The way that he arched his back and practically glowed with pleasure had made Cisco laugh so hard he fell out of his chair.

He hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time.

“Are you hungry?” Cisco asked, continuing to pet Barry’s nose and forehead. He felt Barry stiffen and start to tremble underneath his hand and rushed to reassure him. “We’re going to give you food, I promise. We won’t take it away or anything. But you can’t eat too much, because you might throw up again. Sorry. Doctor’s orders.”

Barry whimpered. “Please, I’m hungry, please give me something, please-”

“Okay,” Iris promised. “We’ll get you some food, alright? But Wally and Caitlin and my Dad are all asleep, so we have to be quiet, okay?”

Barry nodded eagerly in reply, keeping his mouth tightly shut. He would be good, he would be as quiet as he possibly could be, he would be completely silent. If They were going to give him food, he would be as quiet as he possibly could. They wouldn’t even know that he was there. Barry would be so good and so quiet that They would decide that he was worthy of being fed that day.

Iris and Cisco carefully helped Barry out of the bed and assisted him in stepping around the air mattress where Caitlin was curled up in a small ball, snoring quietly and with her fingers clutched around her bag. Before they could reach the door, Cisco stopped and looked at Barry. This was going to be a little awkward, but…

“Hey, Barry?” He whispered. “Do you have to go to the bathroom?”

Barry tilted his head and looked at him in confusion, although Iris’s eyes sparked with understanding and she nodded to Cisco. “Thanks,” she murmured, “I didn’t even think of that.”

“It’s okay,” Cisco whispered after a moment of silence. “You can talk, as long as you keep your voice down.”

Barry shifted anxiously and bowed his head so that he would have been looking at the floor if he had been able to see. “I-I-I am fine, Sir,” he said quietly, and Cisco’s heart plummeted as he wondered if Barry had forgotten about him and Iris altogether. “Please do not hurt Iris and Cisco because of me.”

Or not.

Iris rubbed Barry’s shoulder. “We won’t be hurt,” she promised. “It’s okay. Cisco just wanted to know if you had to go to the bathroom. If you don’t, that’s okay too.”

The speedster nodded, looking absolutely miserable. Cisco sighed and wrapped an arm around Barry’s shoulders without even thinking about it, wincing and moving to pull his hand away when the other metahuman stiffened beneath his touch. But before he could retract his arm, Barry burrowed closer into his side, one of his own arms curling around Cisco’s waist to keep himself upright and to make sure that the engineer was close to him.

Iris took that as initiative to stand close to Barry on his other side, making him lean slightly away from Cisco while trying to snuggle up into her side.

“Shh, Barry,” Iris said softly, pushing his hair out of his face. “It’s okay. We aren’t going anywhere.”

The two helped him out of the room and down the stairs, soothing Barry every time he accidentally missed a step or whimpered when his foot got caught on a stair. They had to switch their order around (there wasn’t room for three people standing side-by-side on the stairs), but even as Cisco stepped in front and Barry started hugging close to Iris for protection, he let his friend keep a hand on his shoulder so that he knew that Cisco was still there.

But as soon as the pair guided Barry into the kitchen, something went wrong.

The minute that Barry’s eight remaining toes touched the floor of it, he completely froze. Barry shivered all over, breath coming in shaky gasps. “Please,” he gasped. “I don’t wanna-I don’t-please-”

“Whoa, whoa, Barry,” Cisco said, slipping around him to stand in front of the CSI and put his hands on his shoulders. “What’s going on? What’s wrong? Can you tell me?”

When Barry didn’t answer, Iris hugged his shoulders and stood next to Cisco. “It’s okay,” she coaxed, “you can tell us, Bar. It’s okay. We’ll protect you, I promise. It’s fine, you can tell us what’s wrong. Shh, Bar. You can tell us.”

“Please,” Barry sobbed. “Please, please, no tests, no tests, I don’t want any tests, please. Not in front of them, don’t let Cisco and Iris see, please, don’t let them see. They’ll hate me if they see. No tests no tests no tests nononononononono please. No tests no tests no test I don’t want to be cut I don’t want to be burnt no tests-”

“Oh, _Barry,”_ Iris breathed, pulling him into a tight hug. He didn’t even try to struggle. Instead he just cried against her, tears streaming down his face as he tried to hold onto her and protect her. “No tests, Bar,” she vowed against his shoulder. “I promise, no tests. Not a single test. Never ever.”

Lies lies lies never safe never safe always tests always punishments always always always always pain and suffering.

“It’s okay,” Cisco said, awkwardly patting Barry’s shoulder. “Nobody is going to test you, I promise. _Nobody._ It’s okay, Barry, it’s okay. You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe, I promise. Iris and I, we’re gonna make sure that you’re safe.”

They couldn’t keep him safe. They would just be killed trying to protect him, didn’t they see-no. They didn’t. They didn’t know the horrible things that They said that They would do to them. To Barry’s family. That the people he loved were the reason he never fought, that if Iris and Cisco tried to keep him safe They would slaughter them where they stood. Although not without making him watch.

“Barry, it’s alright,” Iris promised, still holding tightly onto him. “Do you want to leave the kitchen? We could go to the living room. Do you want to listen to some music? You could sit on the couch while Cisco and I make you some breakfast.”

Barry dug his fingers into Iris’s shirt. “I want-don’t leave me.”

“Okay, I won’t. I’ll stay here with you.” Iris looked at Cisco. “Can you make something, then? It doesn’t have to be fancy, just, like, oatmeal should work. I’ll keep him calm.”

Cisco nodded and slipped the rest of the way into the kitchen as Iris guided Barry over to the couch. She sat him down and let him curl up into the fetal position around her, like he was somewhere between wanting to protect her and scared that she would hurt him for trying to do so. It was utterly heartbreaking.

“Hey, Barry,” Iris murmured, tucking his hair behind his ear over and over again in a repetitive soothing motion. “Can you focus on me? Can you focus on my voice?”

Barry tried to do as she asked, curling even closer to her. His arms wrapped around her waist, while his legs tried to do the same but instead ended up curled about her thighs. Iris was surprised to notice that he didn’t seem to be reacting to the pain that he obviously had to be in-from the horrific injuries on his legs, the bruises all over him, and the older scars that were still healing.

A loud bang came from the kitchen, accompanied by a muffled yelp of surprise. Barry tried to get up, whimpering, and Iris pulled him back down again.

Cisco stuck his head out of the kitchen and called out into the dining room and living room, “Sorry! I didn’t know that your pans were stacked like that, and one of them fell out and almost hit me. But I’m okay!”

“See?” Iris said, smiling at Cisco as he ducked back into the kitchen. Then she winced at her choice of words. “I mean-not see, but… Nothing happened. It’s okay. Cisco’s fine.” When Barry continued making small sounds of fear, Iris pulled him back down close to her. “Shhh, Bar. It’s okay, it’s okay, everything’s okay. You’re safe now. You’re safe now. You’re safe now.”

Never safe. Never safe. Always in danger, always had to be good, always had to obey orders, always had to do well, always had to follow their orders. Always follow the orders. Always always always always.

* * *

 

_“Are you ready for you next lesson, creature?” Someone asked, and Barry stayed on the floor in his Position. It may not have been his Master, but that didn’t mean that Barry didn’t have to follow every one of Their orders. “Good, now stand up.”_

_Barry obeyed, rising to his feet and looking at the floor respectfully._

_Rough fingers grabbed his chin, pressing down against his skin hard enough to make bruises, forcing his head up._

_“Listen to me, freak,” They sneered. “I think that we need to start repeating some of the old lessons, hmm? I think you may have forgotten some of the first things that we tried to teach you.”_

_Barry’s eyes widened. “No, please, Sir, I remember all of them! I promise, I promise, I promise, I remember all of them! I promise, please, I promise that I remember!”_

_They curled Their upper lip up at him. “Are you sure about that, metahuman?”_

_Barry nodded almost as fast as he could, stopping himself before he could accidentally use his_ (bad punishable freakish monstrous) _speed. “I remember them! I swear I remember them!”_

_They crossed Their arms and glared at him. “Tell them to me. I want to make sure that we’ve been succeeding in your lessons.”_

_“I am nothing but a weapon,” Barry said promptly, bowing his head and tucking his hands behind his back, getting ready to kneel as soon as They desired him to. “I’m worthless and a freak. Whatever you require me to do, I shall do, because that is my only purpose in life. Nobody cares about me. I exist to follow orders and to contribute to the rest of the world by letting real people experiment on me to try to fix me and fix other freaks like me.”_

_“Very good.” They nodded, and Barry felt a small bubble of hope grow inside of his chest. Maybe, just maybe, he had finally done something good with his life? Maybe he was worthy of food? Maybe They would reward him with something to eat? “But I think you’re forgetting something.”_

_Barry furrowed his eyebrows and thought for a moment, heart pounding in his throat. No, he couldn’t have forgotten any of them, because that was failure, that was failure, that was failure._

_“Who do you belong to, freak?”_

_Barry whimpered quietly. “You, you, all of you. I belong to my Masters. I belong to all of you. Not to myself. I’m nothing, I’m nothing, and the only way that I will ever be more than a freak and a monster is if I belong to someone else.”_

_Fingers hooked through the collar that was attached tightly around Barry’s neck and yanked him forward. “Oh really? Well, I think we need to give you another reminder. So that everybody who sees you will know that you belong to us.”_

* * *

 

Cisco stepped out of the kitchen, holding a bowl of oatmeal and some honey. There was a second spoon in his hand to accompany the one that was already in the bowl. He set the whole thing down on the coffee table in front of the couch, almost spilling hot cereal all over the living room while trying to hold four things at once.

“Why two spoons?” Iris asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Because one of them’s for stirring,” Cisco explained, “and the other one is for actually eating. I got the idea after burning my mouth on the hot stirring spoon a bunch of times. Even if it does mean that you have to wash an extra spoon when you’re done, you’re mouth is less burnt and you get the optimum honey-oatmeal mixture.”

Iris sighed and shook her head while smiling gently as Cisco used his ‘stirring spoon’ to mix the oatmeal. Barry looked confused and scared (not that he hadn’t looked like that before), trying to sit up and reaching out in the direction of Cisco’s voice. He knew that Cisco was there, he knew that Cisco was alive, but please, he had to make sure that he was okay. That They hadn’t hurt him.

Warm metal pressed up against his lips, making Barry flinch away with a squeak. He didn’t want to be drugged again, he remembered what They had done to him last time he had tried to eat or drink something that They had given him, but… Food. It might have been food. And even if it _was_ drugged, he was so hungry. So, so hungry.

Hesitantly, Barry opened his mouth and let them put the spoon in his mouth. It had something on it that tasted… Bland. Thin. But there was also something sweet mixed in, something that soothed his scraped mouth and throat. And Iris and Cisco were right there with him, helping him eat it.

“It’s okay,” Cisco murmured, rubbing Barry’s shoulder and part of his back while Iris lifted the spoon up to the speedster’s mouth. “It’s not the best, but it’s okay. It’s safe to eat.”

Barry ate almost all of it until Iris cut him off after realizing that it wasn’t good for him to eat so much after having so little for such a long time. He didn’t beg; Barry knew that he was lucky to be getting even this much. They must have been planning something big. A big test, a big punishment, _something_ to make him pay for escaping. The only thing that Barry could hope for was that it didn’t involve the deaths of his family. However unlikely that might have been.

Cisco put the oatmeal (or at least what was left of it) in the sink along with the pair of spoons. When he went back into the living room, Barry was curled up with Iris, an afghan pulled up around both of them. Cisco bounced awkwardly on the balls of his feet. He didn’t want to intrude, but…

Iris rolled her eyes when she saw him. “Come on, Cisco.” She gestured to Barry’s other side with the hand that the metahuman wasn’t holding. “There’s plenty of room.”

Barry himself perked up a bit, looking around blindly as he sought out Cisco. The engineer smiled and sat down beside him, causing Barry to pull him close.

“Don’t leave me,” Barry whispered. Cisco wasn’t sure which one of them he was talking to. “Please don’t leave me. They’ll hurt you, They’ll kill you. Don’t leave me, please.”

Iris stroked Barry’s hair and pressed a kiss to his temple. “It’s okay, Bar. We won’t leave you,” she promised. “It’s okay. Nobody is gonna hurt us, and we won’t let anybody hurt you, either. We won’t leave you. It’s okay.”

Barry ducked his head down. “Pr-promise you won’t leave me?” He asked in a small voice. “N-neither of you will leave me?”

“Never,” Cisco assured him, huddling closer to Barry. “We won’t leave you, Barry. We’re gonna keep you safe.”

Barry let out a small sob and curled up tightly on himself. Safe. Safe. Safe. Cisco and Iris were safe. Wally and Caitlin would be safe too, as soon as he found them. Safe safe safe safe safe. They were safe.

But for how long?


	7. Hellfire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new warnings for this chapter, outside of Harry's entire existence and a rapist getting a beatdown via Caitlin. Also Jesse was supposed to show up?? but didn't?? she will though, don't worry. She's Very Important later on.

Harry Wells narrowed his eyes as he hung up his phone, specially modified to allow him to call across the barriers between Earth-1 and Earth-2. He’d used some of Cisco’s designs to do it, not that the younger man knew it.

Harry had just been on the phone with Jesse. She was complaining about something-a coworker at Mercury Labs, where she had her internship, was acting superior and potentially tampering with the results of Jesse’s experiments (or at least her boss’s experiments, which she had a large part in). Apparently they were also  _ this close  _ to getting Jesse in trouble for it.

The scientist considered tracking the person who had upset his daughter down and making him pay for it, but that was too much effort for something that Jesse herself could take care of on her own.

Harry’s phone rang again. “Wells.”

_ “It’s Joe,”  _ the voice on the other line said, and Harry straightened up. If West was calling him… This might have been about his missing speedster.  _ “Harry… We found him. We found Barry. He’s home.” _

“When did you find i-him?” Harry asked instead of saying any of the other millions of thoughts racing in his mind.

_ “It wasn’t us. It was Rathaway, who called us yesterday.” _

Harry rolled his eyes, even though he knew that the detective couldn’t see him. “So you found i-him yesterday?”

_ “Yeah. He’s hurt, badly.”  _ Joe sighed.  _ “Brainwashed, tortured-Harry, he’s been blinded. I know that this isn’t the kind of news that should be delivered over the phone, and I would rather tell you in person, but I wanted you to know as soon as Barry was settled in some.” _

“Do you know what happened to i-him?” Harry asked, narrowing his eyes. He knew, of course, that it was unlikely Barry would think that he himself was responsible, but you never knew. Especially since the metahuman had suffered severe trauma. “Who had him?”

_ “I haven’t asked yet,”  _ Joe admitted.  _ “I don’t want to scare him even more.” _

Harry narrowed his eyes and studied the wall in front of him. “I have to go.”

He hung up without another word and pinched the bridge of his nose before picking the phone back up and pressing the only person in his contacts that was simply a number instead of a name. (He still hadn’t forgiven Ramon for changing all of his contacts to something ridiculous even though he had changed them back ages ago. Harry was sure that Jesse had helped him do it, since there was no way that Ramon had known his password.)

“I’ve located our escapee.”

* * *

“Barry,” Caitlin asked gently, “can I change the bandages on your legs? I should have done it last night, but I didn’t.”

Barry shook his head and curled up on himself, covering his ears and drawing his knees even tighter up against his chest. “Please don’t,” he rasped. “Please don’t. Please don’t.”

“I have to, Barry,” Caitlin sighed. “It’s to help you feel better. So that nothing gets infected.”

“Please,” Barry repeated. “Please don’t. I don’t want to I don’t want to I don’t want to. Please. Please. Please.”

“It’s just me,” Caitlin murmured, kneeling down in front of Barry and holding out her hand for him to take. She rested in on top of the afghan, and Cisco guided Barry’s fingers so that they brushed up against it, making the speedster tremble. Caitlin hesitated before continuing. “Do you know who I am, Barry?”

He chewed on his lip, almost biting a hole all the way through it. They were going to have to get him to stop doing that. “I… I…” Barry hesitated. “C-Caitlin?”

Something warm and happy blossomed inside of Caitlin’s chest, and she couldn’t stop the huge smile that stretched across her face. “That’s right, it’s me, it’s Caitlin. I won’t hurt you, I promise. I just want to help you. I want to make you feel better and I want to keep you safe. Do you understand that, Barry?”

He shook harder. “You can’t do this,” Barry said, looking at no one. Caitlin opened her mouth to tell him that yes, she could, and she needed to if he was going to physically recover, but then Barry continued. “You can’t do this, you can’t do this, you can’t, you can’t make Caitlin into one of you, she’s a person, she’s a person, leave her alone, leave my  _ family  _ alone. Please. Please. Leave my family alone.”

“I just want to help you,” Caitlin assured him. “I just want to help you heal and get better. It’s alright.”

Barry’s shook his head, hair flopping as his blind eyes filled with tears. “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…”

“We’ll be there,” Iris said with a sigh, hugging Barry’s shoulders. “We’ll be right there. We’ll keep you safe. It’s okay, Barry, it’s okay. Everything is gonna be fine, I guarantee it. You’re gonna be okay. Cisco and I will be there, you don’t have to let go of us. It won’t hurt at all.”

It would, it would, it would, Barry knew it would, Barry knew that they were lying, that They had told Iris and Cisco and Caitlin to lie. That if they didn’t lie to him and tell him that everything would be okay then there would be punishment. That he would be punished, that his friends and family would be punished-

But… Did that mean that Barry had to listen to the lies? That if he didn’t cooperate and let Them do whatever They wanted to him then They would know that he was onto Them? Would They punish him for knowing that They were lying? Or worse, punish his friends and family?

Barry whimpered and dug his fingernails into his arms, trying to ground himself. He had to listen. He had to listen. He had to pretend like he didn’t know that what Caitlin and Iris and Cisco were telling was lies. Barry had to pretend. That was okay; he was good at pretending. Pretending that it didn’t hurt, pretending that he was a real person, pretending that the things that They did to him were okay. Barry had gotten good at pretending.

“I’ll let you do whatever you want to me,” Barry whispered, achingly aware of what They would do with the word ‘whatever’. “Please, please, don’t hurt my family.”

“I won’t,” Caitlin vowed. “I just want to help you.”

_ Lies, lies, lies, lies. Always a lie. _

Barry didn’t have to imagine what They would do to his friends and family. They had spelled it out for him, told him what They would do every time he failed to comply fast enough or obey orders properly. They told him, in painful detail, the things that They would do. How They would break bones and slice skin and burn flesh and-and-and-but Barry couldn’t dwell on that now. Right now he had to be good.

* * *

Cisco groaned and smushed his face into his hands, digging his fingers into his scalp and pushing his hair back. He was tired and grumpy and he  _ just. Wanted. To. Sleep.  _ But no, instead he had to work with freaking  _ Harry  _ for no reason while he was trying to do something with… Tachyons? Honestly, Cisco wasn’t even sure anymore. He’d given up on helping Harry and was now entertaining himself by throwing small balls of paper into Harry’s trashcan.

“Ramon,” Harry snapped when Cisco’s eighth (he’d been counting them to see how long it took Harry to notice what he was doing) paper wad bounced off of the rim of the trashcan and rolled away under his desk, “if you do that  _ one  _ more time, I’m throwing you out of this office.”

“Good luck,” Cisco snorted, “since this is  _ my  _ workroom. There are plenty of other ones you could be using, away from me. Why don’t you go use one of those instead of insisting on using mine?"

Harry paused for a moment, and Cisco hoped that he would finally leave after weeks of trying to make him do so. But the hope was extinguished as soon as Harry opened his mouth. “Why don’t  _ you  _ find a new one, Ramon?”

“Because I was here first!” Cisco argued hotly. “This is my workroom! Get your own, seriously! Use the one that our Wells-er, our Thawne used for all I care, just get out of mine!”   


Harry paused again, and this time against all the odds Cisco hoped that he would leave. No matter how many times Harry had proven that he wouldn’t. “How’s Allen?”

Cisco started at the abrupt change in conversation. “Hey, this isn’t over-” He broke off when he noticed that Harry was looking at his tablet and not at him. From Cisco’s point of view, the older man actually looked… Concerned? Was that even possible? Cisco hadn’t even though Harry had feelings about anybody except Jesse. “Harry?”

“How’s Allen?” Harry repeated, not looking up from his tablet and the unfamiliar simulation that Cisco could see him running on it.

Cisco hesitated, fingers squeezing around the fidget that he had made out of two pieces of twisted paper. “He’s… His sight hasn’t returned, but Caitlin thinks it’s going to soon. She’s worried, though, I can tell. The last few times she’s been out on patrol, she almost permanently injured some muggers and a rapist. Although I don’t care about the rapist, the muggers were just trying to support their families. Just, uh, the wrong way.”

“I don’t care about what Snow did to some criminals,” Harry snapped, and Cisco jumped a bit in his seat. “How is Allen doing?”

“Jeez,” Cisc muttered. Louder, he continued, “Barry’s panicking a lot. He does the best if Iris and I are  _ both  _ there, and especially if he knows exactly where Wally is and can prove that he’s there, but Barry’s usually okay if it’s just Iris or just me with him. His injuries are healing, though. Pretty quickly now that he’s stronger, but not as fast as they used to.”

Harry nodded, still not looking at Cisco or away from his tablet at all. Cisco wondered silently if he actually felt any empathy for Barry, or if he just thought that he should feel obligated to ask because they worked together and defeated Zoom as a team before Barry’s capture at the hands of-well. They didn’t know, actually. They still had to ask.

“Do you care?” Cisco asked. He crossed his arms and stared a hole into the back of Harry’s head. “Do you actually care?”

Harry didn’t answer right away. Instead he opted to just keep staring at the tablet in front of him, fingers drumming the edge of the desk. Cisco opened his mouth to repeat himself, but before he could say anything, Harry clenched his hands into fists and finally turned around, cheeks blotched red with what might have been anger. “Dammit, Ramon,” he growled, “do you think I  _ don’t  _ care?! I looked along with the rest of you, I tried to find i-I tried to find him, do you really think I don’t care?!”

Cisco chewed on his lower lip. Honestly,  _ completely  _ honestly, he didn’t think that Harry cared about anybody other than himself and of course Jesse. But… Harry  _ had  _ helped them look. He had searched with them. Harry had tried to find Barry just as hard as any of them had, even if none of them had had very much luck.

“I… Don’t know,” Cisco admitted finally. He lowered his gaze down to the floor and awkwardly swiveled in his wheely chair.

Harry snorted and stood up suddenly, grabbing everything in front of him. “Keep your workspace, Ramon. I’ll find somewhere else.”

The victory that Cisco had been working towards for what felt like an eternity seemed hollow.

* * *

Caitlin Snow closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to focus on her core. That sounded like she was doing yoga or something, maybe some sort of balance exercise, but instead she was literally trying to reach inside of herself and grab the tiny spot inside of her that would keep her calm.

Because Killer Frost was  _ furious. _

She hadn’t been able to let herself truly be angry. Caitlin had a patient to tend to and therefore she had a job to do. Which meant that she had to stay calm, she had to stay collected, and she couldn’t get angry or upset lest she freeze the whole place.

Caitlin may have been a lot better at controlling her powers now, but that didn’t mean that there wouldn’t be a few slip-ups and a few… Mistakes. One of the reasons why Cisco wasn’t on patrol with her was because she was so unstable. He didn’t say that that was why, but he had made it clear that as much as he would have liked to go out with her and patrol, a few of the others didn’t think it was the best idea. And not just because if Cisco left Barry’s side for too long he would panic.

Caitlin didn’t blame him. Not at all.

Opening her eyes, she let her power flow through her in an icy rush of energy. Caitlin’s hair turned fully white, her eyes glowed, her skin paled, and her lips turned blue-purple. Cisco said that it made her look like she had hypothermia, aside from the white hair. Once or twice she had worn makeup to make herself look a little bit less… Sickly, but there wasn’t a lot of time for that now. She had wasted too much time already to be concerned about her appearance.

There were criminals to stop.

Like the poor, unlucky souls that had decided to rob the jewellery store directly beneath her.

Stepping down off of the roof and letting tall ‘stilts’ of ice grow up underneath her feet (something that Cisco had suggested she do as a joke, but Caitlin had found effective), Caitlin lowered herself down in front of the door to the jewellery shop. All the lights were off, aside from the ones from the small flashlights wielded by the thieves. 

Caitlin pushed the door open (and she was going to have to have a talk with the owners of this store-leaving their doors unlocked at night in the not-so-good part of Central was just  _ asking  _ for trouble), striding in like she owned the place. It had taken her quite some time to build up the confidence to do so, since she was used to being more small.

“Hello, boys,” she purred, holding up a hand, palm swirling with a tiny blizzard. “Or girls, it doesn’t matter. What do you think you’re-” Caitlin stopped and stared at the scene before her. “Um.”

Hartley Rathaway nodded to her from his perch on top of the two men who had broken into the jewellery store. “We need to talk.”

“You could have just called,” Caitlin pointed out, crossing her arms and letting her personal blizzard dissolve into thin air. “I had this under control.”

“I know you did,” Hartley replied, much to Caitlin’s surprise. “The Flash. Is he…”

Caitlin clenched her fists, the temperature dropping so sharply it made Hartley’s teeth chatter and his glasses fog over. “Bad,” she growled. “Tortured, brainwashed, blinded… It’s very bad.”

Hartley looked queasy as he nodded. “I could tell. Do you know who it was yet? That did all of that?”

“Not yet.” Caitlin shook her head. “But we’re going to figure it out soon.”

“Do it quickly,” Hartley sighed. He looked down at the two unconscious men, curling his lip up and using that to distract Caitlin from the way he wiped his sweaty palms off on his pants. She caught it anyways. “I have… Contacts. Metahuman contacts. One of them disappeared about three months ago. Roy Bivolo. He was mostly an informant, but if someone is snagging metahumans…”

“If we find out, I’ll tell you,” Caitlin promised. “I know we haven’t exactly been friends, but I understand. I’ll tell you when we know something.”

“Good,” Hartley said with what might have been a smile. But he rushed to scowl before Caitlin could be sure. “My contacts are going under. Lying low. Some of them still have valuable information.”

Caitlin rolled her eyes. “And that’s all you care about, hmm?”

The scientist puffed up, narrowing his eyes at the doctor. “Yes, it is. They’re just informants. But they know some important things, and it would be unwise to-”

“You like some of them, at least,” Caitlin said smugly. “Otherwise you wouldn’t pretend not to care. You just wouldn’t care at all. Whoever they are, you like at least a few of them. I worked with you for years, Hartley.  _ Years.  _ I can tell when you like someone, platonic or not.”

“What are you suggesting?” Hartley growled, crossing his arms. “I’m not in a relationship with  _ any  _ of my informants. The only one that I am even remotely close to is Lisa Snart, and I think you know enough about me to tell why I wouldn’t be in a romantic or sexual relationship with  _ her.” _

Caitlin pinched the bridge of her nose. “I wasn’t-fine. I’ll tell you if we find anything, but in return you have to do the same. If you hear any rumors about who might have taken Barry, tell us. And next time just text me or something. You don’t have to beat up criminals just to get my attention. It’s my job anyways, not yours.”

Hartley looked like he was about to tell her that it  _ wasn’t  _ actually her job, but instead just jumped down to the floor off of the men he was standing on top of, stalking out the door past Caitlin. “Deal.”

* * *

Barry held onto Iris, pressing against her while holding her close to him. He could protect her, he could protect her, he could keep her safe, They wouldn’t hurt Iris as long as he was holding onto her. But-but where was Cisco? Where was Cisco? He had to keep Cisco safe, he had to keep Cisco safe too. If Iris was safe, then They couldn’t hurt her, but if he didn’t know where Cisco was… They could do anything to him. They could hurt him and kill him and torture him and break him.

Iris pulled away slightly (but not too much) when she felt Barry’s heartbeat suddenly increase its pace. “Bar? What’s wrong?”

She thought that she had been doing a pretty good job of keeping him calm.

“Cisco,” Barry whimpered, “where’s Cisco? Did They take him? Did They hurt him? What did They do, what did They do, what did They do, please, please, please, tell Them that They can hurt me instead, but don’t hurt Cisco, don’t hurt Cisco.”

“Shh, Barry,” Iris sighed, hugging him again. “Cisco’s safe, okay? They can’t hurt him, the people who hurt you can’t get to him.”

Joe, who was watching the two of them from his chair, sighed and stood up, walking over to kneel down in front of Barry. “Son,” he said gently, “can you tell us who it was? Who hurt you?”

Barry froze. No, no, no, no, why were They asking him, why were They asking him? They were the ones who owned him, what did They want, was this a test? Was this a test? No, no, no, he didn’t understand, he didn’t understand, please, he didn’t understand.

* * *

_ “Come on, meta,” one of Them sneered, circling Barry like some sort of predatory shark. “Tell us who you belong to. I know you’re stupid, but surely you’re smart enough to know that?” They lunged, kicking him in the chest and sending him sprawling. “Or do you need another lesson?” _

_ Barry whimpered and tried to curl up to protect his stomach and chest from any further blows. He was stopped by a harsh order. _

_ “Get into your second position, freak,” They spat, and Barry obediently stretched out on the floor, chin tilted back and chest and throat exposed. “Very good. Maybe you aren’t useless after all. Now, tell us who you belong to.  _ Now.”

_ Barry whimpered, tears blurring his vision. He wasn’t a pet, he wasn’t a pet, he didn’t belong to them, he didn’t belong to anybody, he wasn’t a pet. Never a pet. Never a pet. _

_ “Trying to be defiant?” Barry heard the familiar sound of barbed leather hitting the floor and braced himself for punishment. “I guess you really do need to be taught a lesson after all.” _

* * *

“We won’t be mad,” Iris assured him. “We won’t hurt you. And we won’t give you back to them, I promise. But we need you to tell us, Bar. We need you to tell us so that we can help you, and so that we can make sure that they don’t hurt you ever again.”

Barry took a ragged breath, trying to curl up closer to Iris as he shook his head, shoulders shaking with small sobs. “Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t.”

“Okay, okay, it’s okay that you can’t tell us,” Iris soothed him. She carded her fingers through his hair, stroking the bridge of his nose. “It’s okay. Do you want to wait until Cisco gets back? Do you think you’ll be able to tell us then?”

Barry trembled, teeth chattering as he tried to suppress his crying. “I-I-I-I-I can’t-I can’t-”

Joe and Iris exchanged glances. It wasn’t a good sign that Barry wasn’t able to talk about what had happened to him, although it was relatively normal for someone who was still at the beginning of their recovery. 

Joe had dealt with survivors of severe trauma of this nature before, but none of them had been his son.

* * *

 

“Hey,” Cisco greeted, stepping into the West house. “What’s going on? Why did you guys call me back early? I mean, not that I’m complaining, Harry was my only company, but…”

Iris signalled to him from the couch, where Barry’s head was sticking out of a large mound of blankets. Despite that, he was still shivering, and Cisco was pretty sure that there were tear stains on his cheeks. Stepping around the couch, Cisco leaned toward Joe.

“Did he have another attack?” He asked, lowering his voice down to a whisper.

Joe sighed. “In a way. We asked him about who captured him, but he can’t tell us who it was. We were hoping that he might be able to now that you’re here too. He was pretty worried before about if ‘they’ had hurt you.”

Cisco bit the inside of his cheek and crouched down in front of Barry, sliding a hand underneath the mound of blankets and searching until he brushed up against Barry’s fingers. “Hey, buddy,” he said, trying to force happiness into his voice that he didn’t feel. “Can you tell me and Iris and Joe who hurt you?”

Barry shook. Was this a test? Would They hurt Iris and Joe and Cisco if he didn’t tell Them that he belonged to Them, that he was a tool? He didn’t understand, he didn’t understand. What did They want from him this time? What did They want him to do?

Deciding to try to play it safe, Barry bowed his head and whispered, “I’m a weapon, I’m a tool, I belong to you, I’ll do anything you order me to, I’m a freak, I-”

“Barry, stop,” Joe said firmly. Barry froze instantly, his trembling increasing in strength. “That’s enough. That’s not true, none of that is true.”

Barry jerked in place and cowered back on himself. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know I’m a failure, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

Joe pulled Barry into a tight hug, rubbing his back gently. “Shh, Bar, shh. It’s okay. It’s alright. You don’t have to be sorry. You did nothing wrong. It’s okay. I got you, Barry, it’s okay.”

No, he’d made Them mad, he hadn’t meant to make Them mad, please, he was sorry, he was sorry, he hadn’t meant to be bad. Barry had tried to be good, he had tried to obey and to listen to Them and follow Their orders. He had tried, he really had. Please.

“Barry, we need you to tell us,” Iris said, brushing her hair out of her face. “We need to know who did this to you. So that we’ll be able to protect you.”

The speedster took a deep breath and managed to wriggle his arms out of the blanket pile. He tugged at the collar of his shirt, heart thumping against his ribcage. He knew what They wanted him to do. Barry knew, he was smart, he wasn’t stupid and worthless like They said he was. He would show Them.

Before any of the others could react, Barry pulled off his shirt, tapping the left of his chest, just to the side of his heart. The scars there had been hidden by dirt before, but now that he had had a bath, they were clearly visible against his pale skin.

Barry tapped one of them, trying to make it more visible so that They would know. They would know that he understood, that he knew his place. This  _ was  _ what They wanted, right? This was what They wanted him to do? To prove to Them that he knew his place, that he was a good little freak? This was what They wanted him to do. It had to be. It had to be.

“Barry?” Iris asked, tilting her head to one side. “What are you doing? Why are you…” Her eyes widened as she trailed off in horror and caught her breath. “I-shit, Dad, is that…”

Joe squeezed her shoulder and peered at the scar. It was clearly a brand of some sort, or maybe just carved letters into Barry’s skin. At first he couldn’t really tell what they said, or if they were actually just random spiky shapes, especially because of the way that the other scars crossed around it and just barely overlapped.

Finally, though, he made out two letters, one beside the other.

_ WE. _

Iris hesitantly reached out to touch it, pausing before her fingers could make contact with Barry’s skin.  _ “We?  _ What does that mean, Barry? Can you tell us?”

Cisco squeezed her shoulder and looked at Joe. They’d both come to the same conclusion. “Iris, that doesn’t say ‘we’. They’re… They’re initials.”

Joe scowled and clenched his hands into fists, practically radiating fury. Barry whimpered and leaned back away from him, trying to shift and get into his Position on the couch. He hadn’t meant to make Them mad. He had just been trying to do what They wanted him to. Barry had tried, he had tried, he had tried, really he had, please. Please believe him, he hadn’t meant to make Them mad at him, it was an accident. Barry would do better next time. Really he would.

“Motherfucker,” Joe spat, making Iris’s eyes widen. Her dad swore, and he had given up on trying to get her not to when she was eight and dropped a cutting board on her foot before unleashing a torrent of cursing that would have made a sailor blush, but it usually wasn’t to that degree. “We had a deal, that bastard.”

“‘M sorry,” Barry whispered, tucking his hands behind his back and pressing his chin down against his chest. “I’ll do better, please don’t-please don’t hurt me, I-I-I don’t want to be punished, I don’t wanna be punished, please, please.”

Joe immediately pulled Barry into another hug. “It’s okay,” he murmured, “I won’t hurt you for what that monster did to you, I promise.”

Barry buried his face into Joe’s shoulder. “Please, Sir, please, please, please, please…”

“Shh, Bar,” Iris sighed, holding his hand. She rubbed the back of it gently with her thumb. “It’s okay, it’s okay, Dad won’t hurt you. It’s alright, Barry. You’re safe now, you’re home.”

“I’m going to call Singh,” Joe decided. “I have to tell him that Barry’s back, and I’ll need his help if we’re going to take…” He looked at Barry and sighed. “If we’re going to take Eiling down.”

The effect of saying the name was immediate. Barry completely froze, no trembling at all. Just stared off into space (or at least he looked like he was, but considering the fact that the speedster was blind they didn’t really know what he was looking at) with a blank expression. Barry tried to make himself small, curling up on himself but somehow not visibly moving at all.

“Hey, hey, Barry. Bar.” Cisco slipped around him to squeeze in beside Joe and Iris. “Focus on my voice. Can you do that, bud?”

A small whining sound rose up in the back of Barry’s throat, a far cry from the purring that Barry used to comfort himself. It sounded almost like a creaky door hinge, like splintering wood on rusty metal.

Cisco knew what Barry was going to do almost before the other metahuman himself did.

Barry’s hands shot out, trying to push them away. Cisco tried to grab him, tried to stop him, but it was too late.

In a flicker of bright yellow (but not as bright as it had been before, more of a dull mustard than a vibrant gold, and Cisco wondered what that said about Barry’s health), the speedster was gone, the slamming front door and the empty blanket nest the only things to show that he had ever been there at all.


	8. Keep Watching Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am free from Spain and Paris and back in my own bedroom! Hallelujah!
> 
> No _new_ warnings for this chapter (although the old ones do still apply), outside of a brief mention of Wally having a friend who was abused.

In two seconds, Cisco and Iris were up and sprinting after him, although it was clear that they had no idea where they were going.

“Where could he have gone?” Iris panted, looking down the street and searching for any telltale blurs. “He’s blind, how did he even get out of the house in the first place?”

“Muscle memory, I’m guessing,” Cisco said with a shrug. “You go left, I’ll go right?”

Iris nodded and kept running, calling Barry’s name as she went. Where would a blind, brainwashed, traumatized speedster even go?

An even worse thought occurred to Iris. Barry hadn’t been blind for long, if Caitlin’s estimations were correct. Which meant that he had no idea how to navigate or stay safe. What if he got hit by a car, or accidentally ran halfway across the world? Shit, shit, shit, this was bad, this was very very very bad.

For a moment Iris was worried that Barry had done one or both of those things, until she heard a faint whimpering sound that was clearly human in origin coming from… Underneath a car? How had he even gotten down there? The car was low to the ground, so how had he known to get down and scramble beneath it?

The journalist’s eyes landed on the small smears of blood on the door of the car as well as on the asphalt of the sidewalk and the street. Her stomach did a somersault, and Iris crouched down to peer underneath the car.

“Barry?” Iris asked. She let out a sigh of relief as she spotted a small huddled shape underneath the car that was clearly him. Turning around, Iris sighed when she didn’t see Cisco anywhere. Pulling out her phone, Iris sent him a quick text that basically said _‘found Barry, come back.’_

Barry let out a small sound of pain and fear and curled up into the fetal position beneath the car. His legs hurt his head hurt his whole body hurt please it hurt hurt hurt hurt and They were coming for him. They were coming for him. They were coming for him. And he had left Iris and Cisco, he had left them at Their mercy, now They would punish them. WallyCaitlinIrisCiscoJoepleasepleasepleasedon’thurtthemdon’thurtthem-

Iris swore under her breath as she realized that Barry was having a panic attack. A bad one, too-he’d had quite a bit since they had found him. “Barry. Barry. Can you hear me? Can you focus on my voice? Can you do that for me, Bar?”

Barry whimpered. That was Iris that was Iris that was Iris what were They going to do to her nononono-

“Barry. I need you to listen to me,” Iris said firmly, trying to stop her voice from shaking as much as it already was. “I need you to focus on my voice. Do you think you can do that for me? Just focus on what I’m saying.”

Barry stirred slightly, letting out a low whine at the back of his throat that build up until it broke off into loud  sobbing. Iris sighed. She didn’t even think that it would be possible for her to get underneath the car with him, so instead she just reached under it as far as she could and brushed her fingers against Barry’s shoulder, squeezing it encouragingly when he leaned into her touch.

“Good job, Bar,” Iris praised him, and Barry lifted his head slightly, his scraped cheek stinging from where his salty tears had irritated it. “You’re doing so good. Do you think you can come out from under the car? I’ll help you so you don’t hurt yourself. Can you do that for me? Are you up for it? You’re doing so well already.”

Slowly, Barry rolled over onto his stomach and grabbed her hands. Iris smiled and kept coaxing him, promising that she would give him something to eat and protect him if he came out from underneath the car. The speedster wriggled forward, crawling forward back out into the street.

There was blood staining the back of his legs through his pants, trickling down his calves and sticking the cloth to his skin. Barry whimpered and tried to dig his fingers into the wounds to pull the cloth away from them before Iris stopped him.

“Don’t do that,” she said firmly but not harshly. “You’ll hurt yourself.” Iris sighed and sent a quick text to Caitlin asking her to come over to her house, while still keeping an arm around Barry’s waist to stop him from bolting again. “You can’t run off like that, Barry. You’ll end up somewhere bad, or you’ll get seriously hurt. It’s okay to be scared, but you can’t do that again.”

Barry nodded quickly. He understood, he understood, he had been bad. Barry had been a failure, a bad and stupid and defective asset, and that meant that he would need to be punished. Or, worse, that his _family_ would be punished.

* * *

 

_“Come on, meta,” a cold female voice said, “run for us. I know the General had you crippled, but surely you’re not useless enough not to follow an order.”_

_Barry looked steadily at the ground-or, more accurately, at the treadmill underneath his feet. It looked almost like the one that Cisco had designed, with a few modifications. Like the fact that it was inside of a glassy-plastic box that Barry knew for a fact he couldn’t break through. Or the handles that extended down toward him that They would tie his hands to while turning up the speed if he failed to run fast enough._

_“I understand, Ma’am,” he said quietly. “I will do well for you. But-please, Ma’am, I’m so hungry. I can’t run if I don’t have anything to eat, I-please. Please. I need to eat.”_

_His stomach felt like it was swallowing itself. Barry didn’t remember the last time that he had eaten. Probably sometime last week, if weeks even meant anything. The speedster was pretty sure that the only reason he wasn’t already in a hypoglycemic coma was because of the injections that They would give him… Daily? Hourly? Barry didn’t even know anymore._

_The woman’s lip curled up in disgust. “You’ll eat when we let you, meta. And no speaking out of turn.” The collar around Barry’s neck crackled, and electricity jolted throughout his entire body. His hands jerked up in an attempt to get it off, but he bite his tongue to stop himself from making a sound. “Next time, I’ll up the voltage.”_

_“I-I understand, Ma’am,” Barry whimpered, looking back down at the floor. He jerked when the collar activated again._

_“Final warning, meta. Start running, or else.” The woman’s voice didn’t leave any room for argument. Not that Barry would have tried to anyways. He knew better than to try to do that with one of Them._

* * *

Iris smoothed Barry’s hair back and pushed it out of his eyes. “Hey, Bar,” she murmured when she noticed he was shaking. “It’s just me. It’s okay. Cisco and Caitlin and my dad are waiting for us. C’mon, it’s okay.”

“No, no, no,” he muttered. “I won’t. I won’t. I _won’t!”_

“Shh, shh, shh,” Iris sighed, standing up and lifting Barry up to his feet. He struggled, squirming and whimpering, before finally going limp against Iris’s side.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time, please don’t punish me, please don’t punish me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know I deserve it, I’m sorry, I’ll do better, I’ll do better, I’ll do better, I promise I’ll do better.”

Iris closed her eyes for a moment and takes a few deep breaths to physically restrain herself from marching to the nearest ARGUS facility and demanding to know everything that they do on how to kill a general without raising suspicion. But that wouldn’t do anything to help Barry right now, so instead she just tugged on his arm and slowly started to lead him back to her house. Barry didn’t stop begging and apologizing.

Cisco came up next to Barry on his other side, panting and nodding to Iris before wrapping an arm around Barry’s waist to support him. “Hey, Bar, it’s just me. It’s okay.” He spotted the blood on Barry’s legs and winced. “It’s alright, we’re gonna get you cleaned up.”

“I called Caitlin,” Iris informed him, adding in a softer voice, “there’s a step here, Barry, c’mon. It’s okay. Just lift your foot a little higher.”

“Smart,” Cisco complimented. “She’ll be mad at us for letting him out of our sight, though.”

Iris nodded as she and Cisco guided Barry up the steps to her front door. “Almost there, Bar. Almost there.”

She pushed the door open, revealing a worried Joe who was mid-pace in the center of the living room. Wally was sitting behind him, looking confused as to what was going on, but still relieved that Barry was okay. Iris and Cisco put Barry back down in his blanket nest, sitting down on either side of him. They both kept a firm grip on his arms, keeping him grounded and in place while also making sure that he wouldn’t be able to run away again.

“I messaged Caitlin,” Iris said before anybody else could speak (outside of Barry’s begging, which hadn’t stopped yet). “Barry needs his wounds checked out and cleaned off.”

Joe nodded before sighing and sitting down on the coffee table in front of the couch, much to Iris’s surprise. He’d snapped at her (albeit playfully) for doing just that every single day of her childhood. “I called Singh. He’s on his way here right now, actually.”

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Iris said doubtfully. Barry was already nervous just around them. She didn’t want to add more people to the equation.

Barry trembled. His mind latched onto the one part of that that he could understand- _checked out and cleaned off._ He knew what that meant. It meant that he was going to be punished, that he was going to be tested, that bad bad bad things were going to happen.

The speedster shook, shaking his head so fast it almost looked like he was using his superspeed. He didn’t want it he didn’t want it he didn’t want it They would either wipe him down as quickly and roughly as possible or They would drop him into a basin and hold him down. Unless They decided to spray him with a high-pressure hose like They had that one time, when he had shivered and pleaded while They sneered and sprayed him practically into the wall.

The door opened and Caitlin stepped through it, smiling around at everyone before her eyes fell on Barry and she frowned. “What happened?”

“A panic attack. He tore open the wounds on his legs,” Iris informed her before frowning. “How did you get here so fast?”

Caitlin blushed. “I know a shortcut. And I think I broke a few laws and endangered the lives of some of the people around me, but it’s fine.” She walked over and knelt down beside Barry, brushing his hair out of his face with her fingers as she rooted around in her bag with her other hand. “Hey, Barry. It’s just me. Can you roll over for me?”

Barry blinked in confusion before stretching out on the couch while lying on his back. He tilted his chin back and closed his eyes tightly. This had to be what They wanted, this was always what They wanted. This was his second Position, the one that They liked him to do for tests but sometimes for punishments too. But-but usually tests.

“No, Barry,” Caitlin said gently. “I need you to roll over onto your stomach.”

He let out a small whimpering sound as he obeyed. Why did They want him to roll over onto his back? What were They going to do to him? Were They going to do another spinal tap? Were They going to take more bone marrow? What were They going to do this time-oh, oh, They were touching his legs. Barry knew what that meant. They were going to cripple him as punishment because he ran.

Caitlin carefully pulled Barry’s pants down, wincing at the way that they stuck to the back of his legs. She pulled on a set of latex gloves (it may have scared Barry, but it wasn’t sanitary to get bodily fluids like blood on your hands) and pulled the speedster’s pants off the rest of the way to find that most of the injuries on his legs had torn themselves open during Barry’s mad dash out the door, although luckily not all of them were like that.

Caitlin grabbed a wipe with rubbing alcohol on it and started to carefully dab around the edges of the wounds, trying not to cause Barry excess pain. The metahuman whimpered quietly and Caitlin winced. “It’s just me, Barry,” she assured him. “It’s just me. It’s Caitlin. I won’t hurt you. I just want to help you, I promise. It’s just me.”

Caitlin. Caitlin. Caitlin. Caitlin Caitlin Caitlin CaitlinCaitlinCaitlin she was here now she was here They had her too and now They would try to make her into one of Them. They would make her do bad bad things and she would have to do them because They had threatened her.

Which meant-which meant that he would have to tell her that it was okay, that everything was okay, that he understood why she was doing this.

“It’s okay,” Barry started to repeat over and over again. “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. I understand, it’s okay. I don’t blame you. You can hurt me, it’s okay. Just don’t let Them hurt the others. Don’t let Them hurt the others, you can’t let Them hurt the others. You _can’t!”_

Caitlin blinked back tears. “Okay, Barry, I won’t,” she promised him. “I won’t let them hurt you, okay? Never again. Never ever. And I won’t let them hurt Iris or Joe or Cisco or Wally or anybody else. It’s okay.”

No, it wasn’t okay, but he could let her pretend. Barry could let Caitlin pretend.

(He’d pretended for a long, long time.)

* * *

 

_Barry woke up with a groan, eyes squinting up against the bright light that invaded his retinas. The last thing that he remembered was collapsing on his bed at home. He got the vague sense that something else had happened that he should have been aware of, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what exactly it was._

_That was when he noticed that there was pressure on his throat, that something was digging into the soft skin of his neck and making it difficult for him to breathe. That brought him fully into wakefulness, and when his eyes opened fully Barry realized that he was staring right into a mirror._

_The mirror took up most of the ceiling, aside from where the lights were hanging. Barry focused on his own reflection, breath catching in his throat._

_He’d been stripped down to his boxers, the clothes that he had had on nowhere to be seen. There were straps around his ankles and another pair around his wrists, holding his arms down onto the metal table and at his sides. Another one of the same straps was what was pressing into his throat, keeping his head held down painfully._

_Barry started struggling against the straps before going limp and attempting to vibrate out of them. It couldn’t be_ that _hard, could it? He’d phased through objects before. Just… Not while tied to a table. But when he tried, there was a sharp buzzing sound and a jolt of electricity ran throughout Barry’s entire body, making him hiss in pain and fall back against the cold metal surface._

_The door slammed open and someone stalked in. Barry couldn’t really get a good look at them through the mirrored ceiling, and he tried to crane his neck to get a better look at them from his place on the table. His mouth dropped open and he gaped in shock when he recognized them._

_“None of that,” General Eiling sneered. “I know all about your little phasing trick.” He reached out and prodded one of Barry’s arms. “That’ll be very interesting to test later.”_

_“What’s going on?” Barry asked, shivering from the cold air in the room. “Where am I?”_

_“That’s classified information, Mr. Allen,” Eiling informed him. “Just know that you won’t be getting away any time soon.”_

_“We had a deal!” Barry protested, straining against the straps holding him down._

_“The deal’s off,” Eiling said flatly. “There haven’t been any sightings of Harrison Wells for over a year, outside of a few reports on conspiracy theory websites. Grodd is gone. There’s no reason for the deal to continue.”_

_Barry scowled and kept struggling, rubbing the skin on his neck, wrists, and ankles raw. “You can’t keep me here! That’s illegal! I’m a human, I know my rights, and this is illegal. People will look for me even if you try to keep me here!”_

_Eiling shook his head and clicked his tongue. “I have some questions for you, Mr. Allen.”_

_Barry scowled. “I’m not telling you anything. You can’t make me.”_

_Another jolt of electricity sparked throughout Barry’s body, making him grit his teeth in pain. Eiling shook his head. “We’ll see about that, Mr. Allen. If you don’t tell me what I want to know, I might have to take a trip over to Central City. See if hurting one of your friends might loosen your tongue a little bit.”_

_Barry froze. No, no, he had to keep them safe. Eiling had already shown that he didn’t particularly care about civilian deaths in crossfire. He had to keep his friends and family safe from him. “No! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know, really I will, but leave them alone. Don’t hurt them because of me. I’ll give you the answers you want.”_

_Eiling smirked. “Now, that’s more like it.”_

* * *

 

“It’s alright,” Iris hummed, rubbing the bridge of Barry’s nose. “Shhhh, Bar, shhh, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.”

Barry whimpered. “I-I-I-”

Caitlin carefully wound fresh bandages around Barry’s legs, making him hiss and jerk his legs away. Stop touching him stop touching him get it off get it off _now_ get it _off._ What were They doing, what were They doing this time? Please, please, he needed his legs, he _needed_ to run faster and faster and faster-and didn’t They want him to run? For Their tests? Please, please, didn’t They know what They were doing? Please, please, please… They had to know, They had to understand, _please._

“Barry,” Caitlin said gently, “you have to stay still. It’s almost over, Barry. It’s okay.”

He sobbed quietly and curled up, biting his lower lip. Barry didn’t want this, he wanted her to _stop touching him,_ stop touching him _now,_ stop stop stop don’t _touch_ him. Go away go away go away go away. Let go let go leave him alone leave him alone go away please please stop touching him.

Barry didn’t even realize that he was saying the words over and over again until Iris hushed him as Cisco stroked his hair. As soon as he did, he snapped his mouth shut and cried silently, shoulders shaking and tears pouring down his cheeks and making the couch wet. _Please, please, please,_ he chanted silently. _Please stop stop touching me stop_ please _stop-_

Iris brushed his tears away with her thumb. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m right here, it’s just us.”

Wally, who had been silent the whole time, finally spoke up. “I’ll guard the door, Barry. I’ll make sure-I’ll make sure that none of them come back, okay? I’ll guard the door.” When Joe sent his son a confused look, Wally elaborated in a whisper, “I had a friend before I knew about you. He… Didn’t have the best home life. Couldn’t sleep unless someone was guarding the door.”

Joe nodded. “Go.”

Barry tried to roll over, tried to hide his legs and tuck them up against himself. Caitlin made a move to grab them, but pulled her hands back before she could. She didn’t want to inadvertently cause him any more pain. “Iris, can you…”

The other woman nodded and gently pressed down on Barry’s shoulders. “Bar. Stop. It’s just Caitlin. She’s just helping you. It’s only the bandages, it’s okay. You’re safe, I’ll protect you. Don’t worry, I’ll protect you. You’re safe, you’re safe, I’m right here.”

While Iris and Cisco murmured soothing things to Barry, Caitlin finished rebandaging Barry’s legs. Joe kept an eye on Wally, who was leaning against the door and watching with concern. Every few moments he’d open his mouth like he was going to say something, only to shut it again and distract himself by peering out the window at the lawn.

Which was why Wally was their first warning when some start to walk up the pathway to their front door. “Um, guys, there’s someone coming…”

Barry reacted immediately, scrambling upright and trying to crawl off of the couch. He clapped his hands over his ears and curled up into a tiny ball when Cisco wouldn’t let him leave the sofa, rocking back and forth and muttering under his breath at superspeed. Joe shot Wally a harsh look, making the young man look at the floor and scuffle his feet sheepishly (he still wasn’t used to his dad’s disapproving looks) while Joe got up and knelt down in front of Barry.

“Wally, if it’s Singh, let him in,” Joe instructed, “but if it isn’t, do _not_ open that door.” He rested his hands gently on Barry’s upper arms. “Bar, listen to me. Focus on my voice, Barry. It’s me, son, it’s Joe. You’re safe. I got you, I’m gonna protect you, okay? You’re safe, you’re safe, I promise you’re safe.”

Barry tried to focus, tried to listen to Joe (Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe They had _Joe_ please let him go let him go let his _dad_ go!), tried to do _anything_ other than stay in a curled up little ball, but found that he couldn’t. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe, he just wanted it all to-

_Something sharp against his leg, cutting neatly through skin and easily drawing blood._

Stop.

_“Do you think it learned its lesson yet? Maybe it needs some more time alone to think about what it’s done.”_

Stop.

_Rough hands around his neck, clipping something tightly that cut off his breathing._

Stop.

_Burning burning burning down his throat making him cough and gasp and plead-but he couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t even open his mouth-_

“Stop!” Barry yelled, making his throat ache. Immediately he realized what he had done wrong and feel silent, covering his mouth with both hands. Please don’t seal it shut again, please no gags and no glue and no sewing, please, no more, no more, no _more,_ he couldn’t take any more, he just wanted it all to stop, p-p-please…

Barry heard the sound of a door opening and started to hyperventilate. No no no no no no please, please, which one of Them was it this time? Or was it Eiling himself, coming to kill his family without even waiting for his eyes to heal so that Barry would be forced to watch? Please, no, not Eiling, not Eiling, he was always the worst one of Them all.

Everything sounded like it was underwater, like Barry was listening through layer upon layer of glass. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, please let him breathe-Barry could hear voices, he could hear Their voices, stopstopstopstopstopstop.

Barry shifted position, trying to bow in the direction of the door. He pressed his forehead against the couch cushion and waited, shaking, for Them to come over and take his shirt off and then bring out Their whips and Their knives and Their belts and Their fists. Waited for Them to start punishing him.

“Oh, Bar,” Iris sighed, and Barry flinched. Were They hurting her were They hurting his family he had tried to do what They wanted he had tried to be good. No no no please don’t hurt her. Please don’t hurt her. Please leave his family out of this, They could do whatever They wanted to him, please, he was so sorry. He was so sorry.

“Can you sit up?” Someone asked, and Barry obeyed as fast as he could without using his speed. He would be good, he would listen to Them, he would do everything that They asked of him, really he would. Barry wasn’t bad and stupid and wrong, he would show Them that there was no need to kill his family, he would be good, he would be good. “Okay. Can you answer some questions?”

Barry nodded eagerly. He’d show Them, he’d answer all of Their questions and he would make Them happy, so happy, They wouldn’t even want to punish him or hurt his family. Barry would show Them what a good asset he was, what a good test subject. He would show Them how well he followed orders and how he knew his place. Just don’t hurt them, don’t hurt his family, leave them alone and he would be good. He would be good.

“Alright, Mr. A-Barry, do you know who I am?” The voice asked, and Barry wondered which one of Them it was. It didn’t sound like any of Them, but it had to be, because it wasn’t his family.

The speedster started trembling, bowing his head and trying to tuck his hands behind his back. Please, he didn’t know, please don’t punish him, please don’t.

There was a sigh. “It’s okay. It’s Captain Singh, from the CCPD.”

Barry frowned. Why? He-he wasn’t one of Them (was he?), but he wasn’t family either, so what did They want with him? How was he supposed to help Them? Barry shook even harder. Barry didn’t know the answer, he didn’t know the answer, and that meant that he was a failure. That meant that he was a failure. He didn’t know, he didn’t know, he didn’t know, please, please, please, please, he’d do better next time, really he would. Please, he would, he would, he would.

Cisco purred comfortingly, squeezing Barry’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Barry, it’s okay.”

“Barry, I need you to tell me everything you remember about the people who took you. Every single thing. Even if it feels little or insignificant, it’s still important,” Singh (why? What did They want with him that They couldn’t get from Barry’s family? Why did They need him, what were They planning?) said carefully. “Especially if they were a metahuman.”

Joe had told him that it had been someone named Wade Eiling, the same general who had taken all of their files on that bombing case. But, for one, it might not have been him, and for another, it would be difficult to arrest someone like that. Not that Singh was shying away from taking him down if necessary-he just wanted to make sure that he was going after the right person, the one who was actually responsible.

Barry curled up tightly. He knew the answers to that, he knew the answers, but he didn’t want to remember, he didn’t _want_ to remember, but if They were ordering him to remember… That meant that Barry had to. That meant that he had no other choice but to answer. Please, he didn’t want to remember. Barry didn’t want to remember. Eiling would make him remember whether he wanted to or not, though. Barry knew that much. Would want to know what hurt him the most, what the affects of his tests were. Would make Barry remember.

“Okay. It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me.”

 _No,_ he _had_ to remember, it was an order, it was an order, it was an order.

“Bar, it’s okay,” Iris murmured, rubbing his back and wincing when he flinched. “It’s okay. Here-” She reached for a glass of water on the coffee table and pressed the rim of the glass up to Barry’s lips. “Drink, it’ll make you feel better.”

Barry twisted, trying to move his head away. No more drugs, no more drugs, he didn’t want any more drugs, please. Please don’t give him any more drugs. He couldn’t-no more, no more, no _more!_

Cisco purred, trying to calm Barry down. He’d already reached a personal record of ‘most panic attacks in one day’, and Cisco wasn’t eager to expand it. “Barry, listen to me. You’re safe. You’re safe. We’re all safe. Everything is okay.”

Barry tried to curl up even tighter, tucking his head down in between his knees. “Go away, go away, go away, go away,” he whispered to himself. “I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to answer, go away, go away, go away, go away.”

“Okay. Barry, listen to me.” Barry stiffened, uncurling slightly and sitting up a little straighter in his seat. “Barry, you don’t have to remember all of it, but you do have to answer one question. Just one, and that’s all. Was General Eiling the one who did this to you? The one who took you and tortured you?”

Oh, oh, They wanted to know if he understood his place, if he knew who he belonged to. If he knew what he was. They wanted to know if he understood that he didn’t belong to himself, that he was nothing but an object. Nothing but a freak, an experiment, a test subject, a freak, that he wasn’t a person, he was a metahuman, and metahumans weren’t people. They existed to serve Their Masters, just like Eiling was Barry’s Master.

“Yes, yes,” Barry said quickly, hair flopping and tickling his face as he nodded. “Yes, Eiling. I-I mean General Eiling, Sir.”

He’d almost forgotten to say General, he’d almost left out the Sir, and that was punishable, that was dangerous, that was disobedience. Barry cringed against the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest and mumbling apologies into them, trying not to cry and failing pretty miserably.

“Shh, Bar,” Iris said, wiping away his tears. “It’s okay, it’s alright.”

No, no, no, was this goodbye? Were They going to kill her now, because he had answered Their questions wrong? Please, he hadn’t meant to answer them wrong, he was trying to be good, don’t hurt Iris because of him. Please.

Iris wrapped her arms around him, heart clenching at the way he cowered away from her in fear. She blinked back her tears-if she started crying now, it would only make Barry panic. And that was pretty much the last thing that they wanted right now. “It’s okay, Barry, it’s okay. You did well, you answered the questions. You did so good, Bar. So, so good. Do you want some lunch? We can go upstairs and have some lunch if you want”

Barry perked up slightly. He’d… He’d done well? He’d been a good little meta-freak? Really? Was-was he really good enough to be given food? Please, he was hungry, he was so hungry, always always hungry. But… But he had almost failed. Was Barry still worthy of being given food?

“C’mon,” Cisco said as he stood up, helping Iris to her feet before bending down in front of Barry and continuing to purr as Iris coaxed the scared speedster into standing up. Cisco headed to the kitchen to microwave some mac n’ cheese (and mix the painkiller into it, especially since he would really need it after his escape attempt) while Iris and Barry went to the stairs.

As soon as all three of them were out of earshot, Joe kicked the coffee table as hard as he could, making Wally jump about three feet into the air and accidentally zip over to Barry’s vacated spot on the couch.

Singh rested a hand on Joe’s arm to call his attention. “We’re going to take him down, Joe. I swear.”

“We’d better,” Joe growled. “That bastard-Barry’s _blind,_ David. Doesn’t even know he’s safe. Doesn’t think he’s human, either.”

Singh paused as something occurred to him. “Did Eiling go after him simply because he’s a metahuman, or was he really after the Flash?”

Joe shook his head. “We don’t know. He was taken from our house, you know that, but other than that we don’t know. We don’t know _anything.”_ Joe scowled and took a few deep breaths. “Not a damn thing. But I’m pretty sure Eiling knew Barry was a metahuman, and he and the Flash have… Clashed… Before.” He kicked the coffee table again. “Barry told me once that they had a deal, an understanding. I didn’t even ask what it was.”

“If Eiling tries to blackmail Barry, this could go very badly,” Singh warned. “If Eiling threatens him with his identity as both a metahuman and as the Flash in front of a court, do you think Barry will be willing to out himself?”

“If he tries to use that… We might be able to turn it around,” Caitlin suggested, making both men turn around and look at her. She shrugged. “Have Wally run around in Barry’s suit-or the one in his size.” She said that part for Wally’s benefit, making him sigh. Nobody would ever believe that he was a Flash in that silver suit, not with Eiling claiming that Barry was. “Maybe say that Eiling was trying to replicate the Flash’s speed? That he _did_ have the Flash captured for a while, which is why he was missing, but he’s free now?”

“If it comes to that, we’ll have to use that,” Joe sighed, before looking at Wally and hastily correcting himself. “But only if you’re up for it, Wally. We won’t do anything that you’re not comfortable with.”

Wally thought for a moment, chewing on his lower lip. “No, I can do it. I know I can. Before-before it was different, not dressing up in a costume and helping the city the way that you and Cisco do. But now… Now I don’t care if people think I’m the Flash. That’s the whole point of dressing up like him, anyways, right? For people to think that he-that _I_ have returned. So, yeah. I’ll do it. I’m willing to do it, if I have to.”

Caitlin couldn’t stop herself from getting up and giving him a tight hug before sitting back down in her chair. She looked at Singh. “Are you sure that there’s no way for me and Cisco to take Eiling down ourselves?” Her eyes practically glowed, the air growing colder as her lips purpled and her hair paled. “Please say yes.”

Singh shook his head, making the room grow warmer as Caitlin sighed. “Don’t worry,” Singh assured her, “if he tries anything, you can use _lawful_ force to take him down and bring him back to us. Nothing too illegal.”

Caitlin noticed his use of the word _‘too’_ and bared her teeth in a savage grin, all too different from her usual calm and collected self. “I’ll try to leave him in one piece."

Upstairs, Cisco wrapped an arm around Barry and let the other metahuman lean into him while Iris spooned macaroni into Barry’s mouth. Before, they had tried to let him eat on his own, but that had just ended in spilled broth that Barry had tried to lick up off the floor, looking up at them and pleading, saying that he would be good, he would be better, he was so sorry, he hadn’t meant to make a mess. Please don’t hurt the others, he was so sorry, leave them alone.

Iris felt sick to her stomach just _remembering_ it. She actually _had_ been sick at the time, barely making it to the toilet before she threw up.

It was… Awful didn’t even cover it. Horrendous? Terrible? She didn’t even know.

All she knew was that she now had the name of the person responsible. And Iris was willing to raise hell on earth if it meant that Barry would be safe and the people who had hurt him were punished.


	9. Let it Crumble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new warnings, but the old ones are coming back in full force, which means tread carefully!

Joe stuck his head in the doorway of his bedroom (well, Barry’s bedroom, now, since they had decided that  since Barry’s room was the same place that he had been taken by Eiling and his goons which meant that it was probably not the best place for him to sleep) and let out a small honest chuckle for the first time since Barry’s return. 

Singh had stayed over for the rest of the day and almost all night, plotting with Joe and Caitlin with some occasional input from Wally about what to do now-how to take Eiling down, how to help Barry recover, the evidence that they would need. He’d left at about three in the morning, stating that he needed to get  _ some  _ sleep at home or else Rob wouldn’t let him get up to go to work the next morning. Caitlin had crashed on the couch while Wally headed up to his room. Joe had just fallen asleep in his chair, which may have been uncomfortable but at least he got to sleep.

While Singh had still been there, Joe had gone up to check on Barry, and during the night they had heard screaming and bouts of sobbing. But Joe hadn’t seen Iris, Cisco, and Barry after his late-evening check in. At that point Barry had been curled up as tiny as possible, with Iris and Cisco on either side of him on top of the covers, awake and sitting up to comfort him and try to convince him to fall asleep.

They must have migrated since then.

Barry was still in the middle, although he was stretched out instead of curled up. It wasn’t the stiff-limbed stretched out of before in the bathroom and in several other circumstances. Instead, he was relaxed and calm, at least for now. One of his arms was draped over Iris’s shoulder. The woman herself was practically spooning him, although it was his side instead of stomach-to-back. Cisco was wrapped around Barry’s waist, face buried in the speedster’s stomach.

Joe watched the trio for a while, a small smile on his face. This was a real sign that Barry was getting better, even if it didn’t seem like a major thing.

As Joe watched, Barry started to twitch, small whimpering sounds coming from his mouth as his brow furrowed. “Please,” he whispered. “Please, please, please, please…”

Before Joe could go over to comfort him, Cisco’s eyes blinked open sleepily. He half-crawled, half-rolled up the bed toward Barry’s face. “Hey,” he yawned. “It’s okay. Shhh, bud, it’s just me.” He pet Barry’s hair sleepily. “Your hair is soft, did you know that? Your hair is really soft. It feels really nice. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. It’s just me. It’s alright. Me n’ Iris are here.”

Joe covered his mouth to suppress his laughter at Cisco’s comment about Barry’s soft hair. It seemed to be working though; Barry was clearly calming down, drifting back off into dreamland. Barry moved his arm off of Iris’s shoulder and then used it to hug Cisco, practically rolling on top of him. Cisco let out a small squeak of surprise and wriggled into a more comfortable position, reaching out blindly and then grabbed onto Iris and pulled her closer to both of them.

Joe smiled and backed out of the room. He didn’t need to wake them up now.

* * *

 

“Barry?” Joe asked, sitting down on the foot of the bed. Barry looked up at him, or at least turned his head so that it was facing the sound of Joe’s voice. “Is it okay if I take off your shirt and pants? So that I can take some pictures of your injuries? You can leave your boxers on, son, it’s okay,” he added hastily as Barry started to make soft squeaking sounds of distress. “And you can put your clothes on immediately afterwards. But we need to have evidence if we want to take E- _ him  _ down. Which means that I have to take some pictures of you."

“Please,” Barry whimpered. “Please, please, please, please don’t take my clothes, please don’t take my clothes, please. I need-please. Please. I don’t want to-"

* * *

_ “Stop moving, freak,” Eiling spat, and Barry went limp while his shirt was yanked off. “You know what to do.” _

_ Barry immediately stretched out, hands going into the automatic position and chin tilted back. Leather straps were fixed around his wrists, ankles, and neck, tight enough to dig into his skin and cut off his air. Barry gasped. “I-air-please, I need-” _

_ For a moment, the loop around his neck loosened, and Barry took in a deep breath of relief. But he only managed to take one before the strap was refastened, even tighter than it had been before. _

_ “Stay still,” Eiling ordered, and Barry went back to his former position as Eiling checked and tightened the other restraints around his arms and legs. Barry let out a small sob. He knew what was coming, he knew what was coming, please don’t, please don’t, please don’t. Please. Eiling slapped him hard across the face and reached over to a side table, grabbing a muzzle and fitting it over Barry’s head. “Silence. No struggling.” _

_ When Barry stopped moving and laid limply on the metal table, Eiling smirked and patted his cheek condescendingly, right on an old bruise. He sneered at the feeling of wet tears on the skin underneath his hand. “There’s a good freak." _

_ Eiling signalled to the surgeons standing around the table that Barry was tied to. “There’s no need to make any new lines this time. Just follow the old scars.” When nobody moved, he sighed. “Begin.” _

_ Fresher tears spilled down Barry’s face and underneath the seam of the muzzle as the surgeons advanced on him. Against Eiling’s orders, he started to struggle, thrashing and yanking at the bindings. Stop stop stop stop stop stop  _ stop _. Stop stop stop. Don’t touch him, don’t touch him, don’t touch him, don’t touch him, leave him alone. Please leave him alone. Please. Please. Stop  _ touching _ him. _

_ One of the surgeons pulled up her mask and leaned over Barry’s chest. “Sir?” She said uncertainly, addressing Eiling. She pressed down on Barry’s ribs, right above his heart, and then moved her fingers down to probe the top of his abdomen, making him flinch and whimper through the muzzle. Don’t touch him, don’t touch him, stop stop stop. “There’s an anomaly with the meta’s breathing. It isn’t intaking enough air to sustain itself over long distances. That might explain the problems that it has been having with the more physically strenuous tests.” _

_ Eiling nodded thoughtfully. “Make note of that,” he said to someone just out of Barry’s line of vision, receiving a small grunt of confirmation in reply. “That will be our focus for today. Studying the lungs growth and the affects that the tests have had on them.” _

_ “Yes, Sir.” The woman pressed the tip of her scalpel blade against the top of Barry’s chest and began to cut. _

* * *

 

“Barry. Bar. Listen to my voice.” Joe, against all his better judgement, grabbed Barry’s shoulders and pulled him forward so that their foreheads were pressed together. The speedster’s head lolled against his chest, completely unresponsive. Joe snapped his fingers a few times. “Son, focus on my voice. I need you to hear me, okay? I need you to listen to me. You have to hear me, Bar. Listen to me, right now, you have to listen to me. Barry, you can’t do this, it’s okay, it’s okay.  _ It is okay. _ ”

This was one of the worst flashbacks that Barry had had so far, and he didn’t seem to be coming out of it.

Joe cupped Barry’s face in his hands. “Barry. I need you to open your eyes. I need you to listen to me. I need you to focus on my voice. Can you do that for me? If you can’t, I’m sorry. I’ll have to order you to listen to me.” Even in his state, Barry flinched at the word. “Please don’t make me order you, son.’ When there was still no response, Joe sighed and closed his eyes, trying not to cry. “Okay. Barry, I order you to listen to me.”

Immediately, Barry’s body jerked like a puppet whose strings had been abruptly pulled. His entire body straightened as he snapped to attention, trying to show his Master that he was ready to obey, that he was ready to follow orders.

“Okay,” Joe said quietly, “now I need you to listen to me, very carefully.” 

Barry nodded stiffly. “Yes, Sir.”

“Alright. Barry, I’m going to take your shirt off now. I won’t do anything bad, I promise, but I need to take your shirt off.” Joe set a hand on Barry’s shoulder and moved his other hand down to the collar of the younger man’s shirt. Barry tensed his muscles in fear to the point of it being painful, shaking slightly all over. Fuck, Joe should have waited until Iris got home from work and Cisco got back from whatever he was doing at STAR Labs that night. He’d said something about Jesse and her speed acting strangely? “Easy, Bar, easy. It’s okay. It’s okay. Easy, easy, easy. I won’t hurt you. I just want to help you.”

Joe tugged his son’s shirt off over his head and gently set it down off to the side. Barry immediately tried to curl up, and Joe picked up the camera from on the nightstand.

“Just hold still for a second, son,” Joe sighed, moving so that he could snap a picture of Barry’s spine. Or, more accurately, of the scars and still-healing bruises that decorated it. “You’re doing great, you’re doing so well. I just need to take a few pictures, Bar. It’s for the police. It’s okay. It’s okay. Everything’s fine, you’re safe. You’re safe. You’re safe. you’re safe."

“Please,” Barry whispered. “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. Stop touching me stop touching me please stop touching me. Stop stop stop I- _ stop!" _

“Okay, Bar,” Joe said evenly. “I’m not touching you. It’s okay. I won’t touch you, but I need you to stay still. Just a few more pictures. Just a few more pictures, and then it’ll be over. Don’t worry. I’m not touching you, son, I swear I won’t touch you.”

Barry stretched out at super-speed, lying flat on his back. Joe sighed. While he still hated that Barry didn’t trust him enough to let himself relax around him and still thought that he was one of Eiling’s goons, at least this gave him an opportunity to take a few pictures of Barry’s face and chest. But that still left the backs of his legs. Which meant that he needed to take off (or at least roll up the bottom’s of) Barry’s pants. That was going to be difficult, since whenever any of them, even Cisco or Iris, tried to touch the backs of Barry’s legs, he would freak out and think that they were trying to hurt him in some way.

Not that Joe really blamed him for the response, all things considered.

Joe sighed. Maybe the pants could wait, at least until Cisco and Iris got back and could keep Barry calm.

“Alright, Barry,” Joe said gently. “That’s all. It’s okay, you’re done now. That’s all. It’s over, you’re safe.”

Barry immediately curled up into the fetal position, like a spring that had been stretched to its limit and was finally allowed to snap back into place. He covered his ears (Joe noticed that he had been doing that a lot lately) and tucked his chin down between his knees, making quiet sobbing sounds as he did so. That was when Joe noticed the blood around Barry’s mouth, and his eyes narrowed.

“Bar, can you sit up? Just for a second. I just need to look at your mouth, son.” Joe slipped an arm underneath Barry’s shoulders and lifted him up so that he was partially sitting. Reaching down and lifting Barry’s chin up from between his legs, Joe narrowed his eyes when he realized what had happened. “You can’t do that, Barry. You can’t hurt yourself.”

Barry had bitten a hole clear through his bottom lip, blood dribbling down his chin and staining his teeth red. He’d done it because he couldn’t let himself beg. They hated it when he begged, so Barry  _ couldn’t let himself  _ beg. That was the way the rules worked.

Joe carefully grabbed Barry’s arms and pulled him up to his feet, murmuring soothing words as he did so. “Come on, son,” he whispered, tugging Barry gently to guide him in the direction of the bathroom. “Let’s get you cleaned up, alright?”

Barry froze. No, no, no, no, no more, no more. Please don’t ‘clean him up’, please don’t, please don’t, he would do better next time, he knew that he wasn’t allowed to punish himself, he was so so so sorry, really he was. Please, he was, he was, he was, They didn’t have to-please, They didn’t have to-

* * *

 

_ Barry’s lungs screamed for air as he tried to free himself from the vice like grip on the back of his neck and the fingers tangled in the mats of his hair. Let go, let go, let go, please, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe. Please, please, please, please. Let him go, let him go, let him go, please let go of him. Please. _

_ His head was pulled up out of the icy water for just long enough that he could hear the order hissed into his ear. “Stop struggling, meta-freak, or else I’ll call down Strange and give him a look at you.” _

_ Barry shuddered, mind racing a mile a minute. He didn’t know who Strange was, except that he had the clearance to oversee some of Barry’s tests and punishments. And that he had an immense interest in Barry’s head, asking Eiling on multiple occasions if he would be allowed to saw open Barry’s skull and get a look at his brain. _

_ Thankfully (and it was a horrible feeling, to be  _ grateful  _ to _ Eiling) _ , Eiling had always refused to let him. Strange had settled for several MRIs and CAT scans, which Barry quickly learned to hate. It was scary and painful (the straps dug in too deep and he hated it please he hated being so confined and Eiling knew it) and he didn’t like it, he didn’t like it at all. _

_ Barry’s head was yanked out of the water with enough force to bend his neck backwards, making him gasp for air while spitting up water. “What do you think?” The person holding him said, looking at Their companion. “Do you think it’s clean enough yet?” _

_ Their companion thought for a moment, relishing the terror in Barry’s eyes as he mused aloud whether or not to shove his head back underwater. “It still looks pretty filthy to me,” They eventually decided, grinning when Barry let out a small strangled sound. “Look, it even agrees with me.” _

_ The person holding Barry laughed cruelly and shoved his head back down. _

* * *

 

Joe gently eased Barry down onto the floor of the bedroom, brushing his hair out of his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Easy, Bar, easy. It’s okay. What’s wrong? Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Barry was shaking hard enough to be blurry around the edges, eyes wide and frantic as tears spilled out of them. He shook his head, tiny sounds of terror coming out of his mouth. “I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t-”

“Alright, son, I understand. I understand you can’t tell me,” Joe said gently. “Can you breathe with me? Can you take some deep breaths with me? In… And out. In… And out. Just like what I’m doing. Are you up for that, Bar? Can you do that?”

Barry whimpered. “I can’t breathe,” he gasped, “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. Please, Sir, I’m sorry, I’ll do better next time, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, please Sir, I can’t breathe-”

“Yes, you can.” Joe rubbed Barry’s shoulders. “You’re breathing right now. It’s okay. You’re breathing right now. You just have to take deeper breaths. I know it’s hard, son, I know it hurts, but I know you can do it. It’s okay, I’m here. I got you, Bar. Just take deep breaths and everything will be okay.”

He hated implying that, that something bad would happen if Barry didn’t take deep breaths. But it was the only thing that Barry could understand right now, which meant that it was a necessary evil.

Order. Order. Order. Barry had to follow commands, he knew what They would do to him if he didn’t. What They would do to the people he loved if he didn’t.

“Please don’t hurt them,” Barry managed to gasp out. He felt like he was going to throw up gravel. “Do what-what-whatever you w-want to me, j-just leave them al-alone. P-p-p-p-please, you have to leave them alone. Th-they-”

“Shh, Bar,” Joe soothed. “Nobody is gonna get hurt. Deep breaths, Barry. You’re doing so well, I promise.”

Please don’t touch him, please don’t touch him, please, he didn’t want to be tested, he didn’t want to be punished even though he deserved it, he deserved it, Barry deserved it-

He slammed his head against the wall a few times before Joe grabbed his shoulders. “Barry, stop. Don’t do that, son, you’re hurting yourself.”

Barry whined. They wouldn’t let him punish himself, not even when he deserved it, not even when he should, no, no, this was all wrong, what did They have planned? Something big, it had to have been something big. Otherwise They would let him punish himself.

Oh. Oh. Oh. They were going to punish him for escaping. Last time-last time he had tried to escape, They had taken his toes. Surely They were going to do the same thing this time?

Or-unless… Unless They would want to make his hands match on both sides. Eiling had threatened it enough times before, to cut off his pinkie finger on his other hand, too, unless Barry cooperated. That must have been what They were going to do now, too. And if it wasn’t  _ his  _ toes or fingers or both that They would take… Then it would be Iris’s. Cisco’s. Caitlin’s. Wally’s. Joe’s.

Please, not his family, leave them alone, leave them alone. “Please,” Barry sobbed. “Please, leave them alone, leave them alone, l-l-leave them alone…”

“Shh, Barry, it’s alright,” Joe murmured, trying to comfort him. “It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

“It was an accident,” Barry hiccuped. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to escape, it was an accident, it was an accident, it was an accident, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Okay. Okay, we believe you,” Joe promised. “I believe you. You didn’t try to escape, I understand. It’s okay, Bar, I believe you. It’s already, it’s alright, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t punish my family,” Barry babbled. “Leave them alone, leave them alone, leave them alone…”

Joe reached forward against all his better judgement. He knew Barry wasn’t fully in the present at the moment, and he knew that touching him was probably a bad idea, and he knew that he had no idea how Barry would react and might do so violently, but he had to comfort his son. Barry needed him, and he had to be there.

“Shh, Bar,” Joe sighed, wrapping his arms around his son and pulling him close. “Shhhh, it’s okay, it’s alright, it’s all okay. You’re safe. I got you, Bar, I’m gonna protect you. You’re safe, I promise you’re safe now.”

“‘M sorry,” Barry cried into his chest. “‘M sorry, ‘m sorry, ‘m sorry. It was an accident, I-I'm sorry.”

Joe hummed and rocked Barry slowly, rubbing his back gently. “It’s alright, son, I believe you. Nobody is gonna hurt you, I promise. Nobody is gonna hurt you ever again.”

* * *

Barry’s sight came back slowly, about a week and a half after he was found. At first his vision was completely black, then gray with movement in it, then larger shapes but nothing distinct, before finally he had regained the same amount of vision as he had had before his capture.

The first time he saw Joe, he burst into tears and wouldn’t let go of him for hours, sobbing that “you’re here, you’re here, you’re here, you came for me, you’re here.”

He had similar reactions to Cisco, Iris, and Caitlin, although it was different for Wally. Instead of hugging him, Barry pushed Wally into the corner and then tried to protect him, refusing to let anybody near him. Cisco and Iris managed to coax him away so that Wally would be free, but it was difficult. Just because Barry could see them didn’t mean that he wasn’t scared of them.

They learned that the hard way when Caitlin suggested that they all go to STAR (couldn’t say the word lab) to give him another checkup and some other scans that she hadn’t been able to do before-like x-rays and MRIs.

He’d completely frozen up for a moment before bowing his head and attempting to kneel on the floor. At that point, they knew enough to determine that that specific position meant that he was trying to be submissive. Joe guessed that Eiling had taught it to him-trained him like a dog. It made Joe sick to his stomach.

“We aren’t gonna hurt you,” Cisco promised, gently pulling Barry back up to his feet. “We just want to help you, okay? You know us. It’s alright.”

They managed to coax him into the car, sitting in the middle of the backseat with Iris and Cisco on either side, the same way that they had transported him back to Joe’s house from STAR Labs the first time. About halfway there, he started begging to be let out, pleading that he would be good, he would be good, they didn’t have to hand him back over to Eiling, please, he would be good.

“It’s okay,” Iris assured him, stroking his hair while Cisco gave his hand a comforting squeeze. “It’s okay. You’re safe, I promise. We’re just going to STAR-do you remember STAR? We’re just going to see Caitlin, she wants to make sure that you’re okay. It’s alright, Barry.”

He took a shaky breath and nodded, eyes wide and frightened. “I-I understand.”

Cisco rubbed the bridge of Barry’s nose with his thumb. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

Barry trembled underneath his hand, vibrating so much the friction almost burned Cisco’s fingers. Iris hummed softly in an attempt to distract Barry from the fact that he was trapped in the car, making a sound as similar to the purring Barry and Cisco could both do as she was physically able to without having vibrational abilities. Cisco purred encouragingly too, hoping that Barry would join them.

He didn’t.

Only about five minutes away from STAR Labs, Barry really started to panic. Reaching for the doors, he started to plead with them. “Eiling doesn’t do trades, please, please, he’ll kill you, please, kill  _ me,  _ I don’t want to go back to Eiling, don’t let him have me again. I know I’m a worthless freak, please, I know I don’t belong, I know I’m a monster, please, I’ll run away and you won’t ever see me again, just let me out, please let me out.”

“It’s okay,” Iris reassured him, stealing a glance at Cisco. “It’s alright, Caitlin just want to make sure you’re okay. It’s okay, it’s okay. Remember Caitlin? Remember STAR? We’re just going to STAR, Barry. It’s okay. You’re safe now.”

Barry suddenly lunged for the door to the car on Cisco’s side, eyes wild and frightened. Iris grabbed his wrists and pulled him back, keeping him in place. “Barry,” she said sternly, making him flinch and her wince. “If you try to do that again, we’re going to have to put the seatbelt on you. I know you don’t like the seatbelt”-restraints restraints it felt like restraints-“but if you keep trying to get out of the car then I’m going to have to put it on you.”

Barry whimpered. “Please, please don’t I’ll be good, I’ll be good.”

Cisco took Barry’s hand in his, rubbing the back of it gently with his thumb. “It’s okay, Barry, we won’t hurt you if you aren’t ‘good,’ I promise. We just want to keep you safe. It’s alright, Bar. We’re gonna keep you safe.”

Barry’s breath started to come in uneven stops and starts as he trembled. “Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go, please, I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I promise I’ll be good, let me go!”

“I can’t let you go, Barry,” Iris said, voice thick. “I need to make sure that you don’t try to run away again. You could seriously hurt yourself, Bar. I can’t let you do anything that might potentially hurt you.”

The car pulled into the STAR Labs parking lot and Barry let out a small sound, although none of the other inhabitants of the car could tell if it was of fear or relief. He was shaking even harder now, almost to the point of vibration, his teeth chattering loudly as his eyes became glassy with unshed tears. “P-please, please, please, don’t-don’t-don’t give me back, I’d rather be dead, I’d rather be dead, I’d r-r-rather be d-dead than t-tested again, p-please.”

“It’s just STAR,” Cisco promised, opening the door and making Barry stare longingly at the outside world. “Remember STAR? Caitlin is the only one there right now, okay? Unless Jesse comes by, it’s just going to be us. Is that okay? Just me, Iris, Joe, Caitlin, and you? Is that alright with you, Barry?”

Cisco got out of the car, causing Barry to scramble after him and stand in the fresh air, face tilted up toward where the sun was covered by clouds. It was a chilly day, but he didn’t even feel it. Cisco shrugged his coat off and draped it over Barry’s shoulders anyways, making the speedster flinch away at first before pulling the coat around his shoulders and snuggling up into it. Iris walked just behind them in case Barry tried to bolt.

Caitlin was waiting for them at the entrance to STAR, breath coming out in puffs. She smiled warmly at Barry and Cisco, nodding to Iris and Joe. “It’s nice to see you, Barry,” she said softly, holding out a hand. He tentatively reached out and squeezed it before jerking away like he was scared of his own bravery. “C’mon inside, you must be cold.”

As the four slipped around her, Caitlin tugged on Joe’s sleeve. “We might need to sedate him,” she whispered. “Let Iris and Cisco know to tell me if they think he might start panicking too much.”

Joe nodded and followed her in.

The hallway to the medbay was well-lit, without a shadow in sight. Barry was both worried and grateful for that-worried because the bright lights reminded him of the facilities, and grateful because that meant that nobody was hiding in the shadows, ready to strike.

“Come on,” Cisco said, gently tugging on his arm to guide him down the hall toward where they were all headed. Barry didn’t try to resist. He would go anywhere They took him.

Barry stiffened when he saw the medical beds, a small sound of fear rising in his throat as Cisco gently sat him down on one of them. Iris sat down beside him, holding Barry’s hand and hushing him as she wrapped her other arm around his shoulders and stroked his hair. “It’s okay, Bar. I’m here. I’ll protect you, I promise. It’s okay. Caitlin just wants to make sure you’re alright. Nothing bad is gonna happen, I swear.”

* * *

 

_ Barry lay on his side in the back corner of the small cage that Ei-that They had decided to put him in this time. He cradled his arm against his chest, pain rippling up and down the limb from when he had dislocated it throwing himself over and over again against the bars. Barry still hadn’t given up on getting out of the cage, but his shoulder hurt way too much for him to continue his escape efforts. _

_ The door to the cell that the cage was in opened, and Barry didn’t even bother looking up to see who had come inside. He could tell that it was Eiling, anyways-the way that he stomped in with his heavy boots was as distinctive as the soft padding and bustling of the doctors. _

_ Barry did look up, however, when the front of the cage was opened and Eiling reached down, fingers looping through the front of Barry’s collar and using it to drag him forward out of the cage into the rest of the cell. Eiling’s other hand grabbed Barry’s chin, tilting his head up so that Eiling could inspect him. _

_ “Are you ready to behave now?” Eiling asked, dropping Barry down to the floor before grasping the wrist of his injured arm and tugging on it, making Barry cry out in pain. “Or do you need another lesson in obedience?” _

_ Barry whimpered, but didn’t dare try to pull away out of fear of making the pain in his arm even worse than it already was. “N-no, Sir,” he managed to rasp out, his vision darkening as Eiling pulled on his arm again, this time wrenching it back into place and making Barry let out a screech of pain. “I-I don’t, I swear.” _

_ “I don’t believe you,” Eiling said simply, grabbing Barry’s collar again. “I think you  _ do  _ need another lesson in obedience. Unless you want me to go get one of the members of your family…” _

* * *

 

Barry flinched with a small whimpering sound as Caitlin knelt down in front of him. “Okay, Barry, can you take your shirt off for me? If you don’t want to you don’t have to, I promise. I just need to listen to your lungs.”

Barry tore his shirt off as fast as he could. He understood what Caitlin was really saying-he didn’t have a choice in the matter. His clothes would be taken no matter what, but this way they thought that they could give him some sort of small comfort in the choice. Barry knew better than that. He’d seen too many of Eiling’s tricks to fall for this one.

Caitlin smiled encouragingly and put the eartips of the stethoscope into her ears. Cisco took the actual metal part that would touch Barry’s skin and warmed it in his hands, vibrating them slightly to make the process go faster. They already knew how Barry reacted to cold metal-he still had trouble holding silverware on his own, especially if it wasn’t warm. He would eye it like it was going to bite him the whole time. And with Barry already on the brink of a panic attack, the last thing that they needed was to actually send him into one.

The majority of the checkup passed without incident-Barry  _ did  _ panic a little bit about the tight cuff when Caitlin was taking his blood pressure, but other than that everything went according to plan. Caitlin asked Joe, Iris, and Cisco questions about Barry’s health and let him cling to Iris when she was weighing him (he was painfully light, especially because he hadn’t exactly been very big to begin with) and measuring him.

But when Caitlin opened one of her many, many drawers and pulled out a syringe, Barry  _ freaked out. _

Begging and crying and scrambling away from the needle in her hand, Caitlin watched as Barry tried to hide behind Cisco and Iris, almost falling off of the bed. Joe stood behind him and gently set his hands on Barry’s shoulders, holding him still and in place despite Barry’s squirming and sobbing. He whispered soothing things into Barry’s ear in an attempt to keep the speedster from becoming so distressed he would literally vibrate all of the way through the medical bed.

“Shh, Bar,” Iris murmured, holding his hand while Cisco carefully pulled Barry’s other arm away from his side and rolled up his sleeve, turning the inside of his arm over so that Caitlin could get to the vein in the crook of his elbow. “Caitlin just needs to take a little blood, that’s all. It’s okay. She won’t do anything to hurt you, I promise. I’ll make sure of it, don’t worry. You’re safe now, you’re safe now, you’re safe now.”

Barry whimpered and squeezed his eyes tightly shut as Caitlin swabbed his arm (please, please, please don’t cut, he didn’t want to be cut, please don’t cut, please) with a cotton ball doused in hydrogen peroxide before flinching and trying to pull away as she slipped the needle into his skin and drew some blood.

He waited for her to take more, vial after vial after vial. But she only took the small amount, and when no more pain came Barry hesitantly opened his eyes.

Iris kissed his temple. “You did so well, Barry,” she said encouragingly. “Just two more things, and then it’ll be over and you can go home. Do you want something to eat first, Bar?”

Barry made a small sound that might have been yes, and Cisco pressed one of his calorie bars into Barry’s hand. Barry made another small sound when he saw it, although this one was more like disgust.

Cisco couldn’t suppress a small laugh at how  _ normal  _ it was, although it came out rather strangled. “It’s safe for you to eat, Bar, I promise. I know they don’t taste very good, but it’ll help you get your strength back up, I promise.”

Barry obediently started to eat it with none of his usual grumbling or complaining. Cisco’s stomach did a somersault as he realized what that meant, even if it was a small deviance from the norm of what usually happened when he gave Barry a calorie bar.

Barry may have had his sight back, but he was still very far from the end of the tunnel. And that meant that they had to do everything in their power to get him to the end of that tunnel.

* * *

 

From just outside the room, Harry listened to them, making notes on a tablet about the recovery of the subject. He had a lot to report.


	10. And as the World Comes to an End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think that there are any new warnings for this chapter, but if you think that there are, please tell me!

As soon as Barry finished the calorie bar, Caitlin knelt down in front of him again. She’d forgone her lab coat entirely since they’d first decided to bring Barry to STAR Labs days ago-they didn’t know what would trigger him, but judging by the way that he had reacted to her gloves even while blind Caitlin hadn’t wanted to risk something like that.

“Hey, Barry,” she said softly, drawing his attention to her. “I still have a few more scans that I have to do. Is that okay? None of them will hurt you, I promise, but if you want me to I can sedate you beforehand. Is that alright? Do you want me to sedate you?”

Barry stiffened and Iris rubbed his shoulder. “It’s okay, Bar. It’s just Caitlin, you know Caitlin. She won’t hurt you.”

“Wh-what are the scans?” Barry asked in a small voice.

“Just an x-ray and an MRI. That’s all, Barry, I swear. Just an x-ray and an MRI.” Caitlin gently squeezed Barry’s knee, smiling encouragingly when he didn’t flinch. “Do you want me to sedate you or not? You don’t have to decide right now.”

Barry shook his head quickly, stopping just short of using his actual speed. “N-no. I have to-I have to stay awake, I have to make sure-” His voice died as he swallowed thickly, and Cisco stroked his hair while purring softly. “Please.”

“I won’t sedate you without your permission, Barry, unless it’s  _ absolutely necessary,”  _ Caitlin promised.

Barry nodded as Caitlin stood up. “Come on. I’ll take you down to the x-ray room.” Then she paused. “Barry? When I was listening to your lungs, I noticed some… Irregularity with your breathing. I need to ask you a question, and I need you to try to answer it honestly, okay?”

“Y-yes-” Barry clamped his mouth shut before he could say ‘ _ Ma’am.’  _ They didn’t like it when he said Ma’am or Sir, and that meant that he had to stop saying it before they decided to punish him.

“When they were… Testing you,” Caitlin said carefully, watching for any signs of an adverse reaction or a flashback. Barry shivered at the word ‘test’. “Did they ever take anything out of you?”

_ Barry vomited up blood, writhing on the table. _

He flinched, curling up tightly and making a small sound of fear. Caitlin took that to mean that yes, they had, but she still didn’t know what it was that they had taken out. The x-rays should solve that, though, so there was no real reason for her to keep questioning him.

“Okay. That’s it, Barry, that’s all I wanted to know. It’s okay,” Caitlin said as she nodded to Cisco, Iris, and Joe. “Come on. Do you think you can follow me to the x-ray room? Remember, if you want me to sedate you, I can. It’s alright if you want me to.”

Barry shook his head quickly, clenching his fists. “N-no, Ma’am.”

Caitlin winced slightly and sent another look to Joe. “Alright, Barry, just follow me. Iris, Cisco, and Joe can help you if you want, it’s okay. You don’t have to walk on your own if you feel like you’re going to fall.”

Cisco helped Barry stand up, forcing a smile despite the way that he could feel Barry trembling. As soon as the speedster was on his feet, Iris ducked underneath one of his arms, letting Barry put most of his weight on her as she directed him through STAR Labs down to the x-ray room. It had been installed mostly as a precaution, but after the particle accelerator explosion Caitlin had outfitted it with some of Cisco’s toys since she knew it was about to see more useage.

Iris whispered soothing things into Barry’s ear as she led him down the hall while Cisco purred quietly, trying to keep him distracted from the fact that Caitlin and Joe were both walking behind him. They’d learned fast (while Barry was still blind) that he was terrified of people walking behind him unless he knew for a fact that they were either Iris or Cisco (they were also pretty sure that Wally would have been able to do so, too).

As soon as they arrived at the x-ray room, Caitlin carefully directed Barry to lie down on the table. He did so immediately, stretching out and letting his chin tilt up. They had all become reasonably familiar with this position-it seemed similar to the one that Barry got into when he was scared, when he would kneel down on the floor with his head tucked down. But this one exposed his chest instead of his back, and Joe didn’t want to imagine why Eiling would have wanted him to do that.

While Caitlin set everything up, Cisco and Iris stood back with Joe at the entrance of the room. They made sure that they were within Barry’s line of vision; if he panicked now, it wouldn’t be good. At all. For any of them.

“Hey, Barry,” Iris called to keep him distracted when she noticed that his breathing was starting to come faster. “This’ll only take a second, okay? And then you can eat again. If you stay still and stay good for Caitlin then you can get food faster, alright? It’ll take longer if you try to get up.”

Barry whimpered but didn’t try to move, going limp as Caitlin smiled down at him. “Okay, Barry, this’ll just take a little bit. Just hold still while I do this, alright? Everything is going to be fine, I promise. I just have to check to see if you have any bones that-” She stopped herself. “I just have to check on everything. It’s fine.”

Barry made a small sound of fear and squirmed a little bit on the table before going limp again. Caitlin squeezed his hand before stepping away, letting him know once again that this was only going to take a minute.

Iris, Cisco, Joe, and Caitlin all stepped out of the room, although Iris and Cisco both watched through the window of the door to make sure that Barry was doing alright. He was still frozen, lips moving and presumably making small sounds that none of them could hear since they weren’t inside with him. Luckily, he didn’t seem to be thrashing, crying, or having trouble breathing, so he hadn’t had an actual panic attack yet. Good.

When the noise started (it wasn’t very loud, but Cisco could still pick up on it easily), Barry started crying, shoulders shaking. Iris almost opened the door, but her dad held her back. “It’s okay, sweetie, it’ll be over in a minute and then you can help him.”

It felt like it dragged on forever, but as soon as Caitlin gave them the go-ahead, Iris and Cisco slipped into the room. Barry practically flew off of the table and wrapped his arms around them, holding them close to him as he sobbed. “I thought-I thought-”

_ I thought you weren’t coming back. I thought that They had taken you. I thought you were hurt or dead or worse. I thought I’d lost you. _

“Shhh, Bar,” Iris soothed, rubbing his back as she looked at Caitlin. The doctor seemed to catch what she was trying to communicate and nodded, slipping a small syringe out of one of her pockets. (She may not have been wearing her lab coat, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t wearing a jacket with lots of space for her supplies.)

Cisco caught Caitlin’s eye and frowned at her.  _ ‘What are you doing?’  _ He mouthed, trying to move his jaw as little as possible so Barry wouldn’t notice what was happening.  _ ‘What’s that?’ _

His best friend held up the syringe and tapped it gently with one finger before pointing to Barry and then to him. Cisco’s eyes widened.  _ ‘You want me to do it?!’ _

Caitlin rolled her eyes and nodded, walking around Barry so that she stood by his side and pressing the syringe into his hand discreetly. As she passed, she muttered into Cisco’s ear, “You have to inject it into one of his veins. If it’s into a muscle, it’ll take around fifteen minutes before it actually takes effect. But the vein will only take a little more than thirty seconds for this particular dosage.”

She made a small sound with her tongue to attract Barry’s attention, smiling when he looked at her. “Do you want something to eat? A calorie bar or something like that?”

Barry whimpered-and Cisco, sending a small prayer to the first deity that he could think of that this would go well and Barry would still trust him and that Cisco would manage to find a vein, struck.

Uncapping the syringe, he grabbed the inside of Barry’s wrist. The speedster immediately went limp, dead weight collapsing and making Iris yelp and lunge to catch him. Barry’s eyes were closed and there were tears leaking out of his eyes, but he hadn’t tried to fight back or get away. Caitlin took the syringe from out of Cisco’s hands. Now that Barry’s eyes were closed, there was no reason for her not to do it herself. She had a better chance of not messing up, anyways.

Sliding the needle into the crook of Barry’s arm, Caitlin hushed Barry quietly as he started to cry even harder, attempting to pull his arm away from her.

* * *

 

_ “Hold it down,” Eiling growled, and Barry hardly had time to stand up before he felt a heavy boot step down on the back of his neck. _

_ More hands grabbed onto him and Barry yelped, twisting and trying to squirm free from their grasps the pressure on his neck increased. It would be so easy for him to break his own neck or choke himself to death at that very second, so easy to let himself die. But as soon as the thought entered his head, Barry was distracted by the cold feeling of something being wiped down his arm, right in the crook of his elbow. _

_ No, no, no, he knew what that meant, no needles, no needles, no more needles. No more, no more, no more, no more! He didn’t want any more needles, no more pricks and no more injections and no more taking so much blood that he could hardly stand on his own afterwards. No more. No more. No more. Barry didn’t want any more. _

_ But he wasn’t strong enough to get away as a needle was buried underneath his skin. _

_ It  _ burned,  _ something searing through his veins. The person stepped off of his neck, and Barry was aware of the door shutting as he was left alone in the dark. But-but it wasn’t dark, it was bright, so bright, golden and red light flashing behind his eyelids. Barry covered his ears in a vain attempt to block out the loud screaming sound in his ears before realizing that it was coming from his own throat. _

_ Over the security cameras, Eiling watched as the coils of lightning that had started to flicker around his test subject abruptly changed colors from golden yellow to deep blue, jumping around on the metahuman’s skin. “And you’re sure that this won’t kill it?” _

_ Beside him, Harrison Wells shook his head. “Most likely not, although it’s probably in a tremendous amount of pain. I refined the formula-Dr. Snow was quite helpful on that front. In fact, the Velocity-13 is working even better than we had hoped, although it should take a few days before it’s fully out of the subject’s system.” _

* * *

Iris rubbed Barry’s shoulders, rocking him as Caitlin placed a bandage over the small drop of blood where the needle had been. “It’s okay, Bar, it’s just to help you. It’s just to help you. I promise, it’s just to help you. Don’t worry, it’s alright, I promise. It’s just to make you sleep because you’re so scared. Nothing is going to happen, I swear. Cisco and I, we’ll protect you. It’s okay.”

Barry shook, already losing the fight to unconsciousness. Iris kissed his forehead as his eyes closed, letting her dad step forward and pick Barry up. Iris kept one of her hands firmly in Barry’s, making sure that she didn’t drop it as Joe carried him down the hallway toward where Caitlin had already disappeared and was looking at the x-rays that had been taken.

She looked away from them, face pale, and glanced at Barry. “Come on,” she said quietly, swallowing down bile and deliberately keeping her icy eyes turned away from the x-rays. “He still needs an MRI. If we’re lucky, we’ll be able to do it before he wakes up.”

* * *

Barry’s eyes flickered open to the sight of a white ceiling. White walls. White floor. White white white white white white  _ white- _

He scrambled upright, realizing at the back of his mind that there were no restraints holding him down and no muzzle covering his mouth. Barry fell of the table (no, it was too soft to be a table, it felt more like a bed, more like a bed, but that wasn’t possible because They were never kind enough to do anything like that) in an attempt to get away before They noticed that he was awake and got out Their tools.

“Whoa, Barry, it’s okay,” someone said, and Barry automatically curled away from their voice and covered his ears, drawing his knees up to his chest before scooting backwards across the floor until he hit a wall. “Barry. Bar, look at me. It’s just me, son, it’s just me, it’s okay. You’re safe, you’re safe, it’s alright. Look at me, it’s okay, I promise.”

Barry rocked, chewing on his lower lip and flicking his eyes up, trying to get a glimpse of the person who was talking to him. He had to know who they were-they didn’t sound like Eiling, maybe if he did something for them they would knock him back out first before they started up their tests? (It was false hope, he knew, but… They had Iris, They had Cisco, They had Wally and Caitlin. He didn’t want to be awake to watch any of them die.)

Joe watched as Barry looked up at him, eyes wide and faintly sparking with yellow-orange electricity. “Barry? Are you with me, son?”

The speedster made a small sound at the back of his throat and didn’t make any moves to come forward, eyes narrowing as he ducked back down into his knees. Joe knelt down and cautiously took a small step forward, taking a few more when there was no negative reaction until he was kneeling in front of Barry. As he watched, Barry’s shoulders started shaking, and Joe moved backwards until they stopped.

Barry tugged on his hair while still trying to keep his ears covered. “Go away,” he whispered. “Go away, go away, go away, don’t touch me, please don’t touch me.”

“I won’t,” Joe promised. “I’m not going to touch you, it’s alright. Will you let Iris or Cisco or Caitlin touch you, son?”

Barry trembled. “I-I-yes, Cisco-Iris-not-Caitlin-sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry-”

His words started to blur together, becoming an incomprehensible babbling mess of buzzing sound. Joe held up his hands before lowering them with a wince when Barry flinched away with a small scared sound. “Okay. Nobody is gonna hurt you, Bar, I promise. It’s okay. We understand.”

Iris squeezed her dad’s shoulder on her way around him as she sat down beside Barry, Cisco sitting on the metahuman’s other side. She carefully grabbed Barry’s hand, slowly pulling it down away from his ear and letting it rest on the ground. Cisco did the same with Barry’s other hand, purring quietly and rubbing the back of Barry’s hand with his thumb.

“Don’t worry,” Cisco murmured, “it’s alright, bud. We’re fine, you’re fine, nobody is going to hurt you, I promise. It’s all okay.”

Caitlin knelt down beside Joe, waiting until Barry’s eyes were focused on her before speaking. “Barry?” She said carefully, nibbling on the inside of her cheek. This was going to be difficult, and telling him what she had to do  _ (later,  _ mind you) without him panicking was going to be even harder. “When we took your x-rays, I noticed that some of your bones had been broken.”  _ That  _ most  _ of your bones had been broken.  _ “And some of them… Well, some of them didn’t heal properly. Which means that they need to be reset.”

“No,” Barry whispered, eyes widening as he tried to push himself even further back against the wall. “No, no, no, no, no, please don’t, please don’t. I’ll be good, I’ll be good, please don’t, please don’t, please don’t, I don’t want to, please, please, please. I’ll be so good, you don’t have to, please-!”

“It’s okay, Barry,” Iris said, cutting him off. “We don’t have to do anything right now, it’s alright. And we’ll give you something to take away the pain before we do it, alright? I promise, it’s okay, you’re going to be okay. Everything will be fine. Nobody will hurt you. We won’t let anybody hurt you ever again.”

Caitlin’s phone rang loudly, spooking Barry and making Cisco jump (loud noises had started affecting him after the Particle Accelerator explosion due to his metahuman abilities), and she pulled it out of her pocket and held it up to her ear with a wince. “Harry?”

_ “Snow. When are you going to let me talk to i-when are you going to let me talk to him?”  _ Harry crossed his arms where he was standing just outside of the room.

“I don’t see why you feel like you have to.” Caitlin narrowed her eyes at the floor. “He’s-Barry’s very fragile right now, Harry, and we don’t know how he’ll react to you yet. You know that.”

Harry gritted his teeth.  _ “I want to talk to him, Snow. I might be able to tell you what it was that they did to him. If they got Barry to make something for them, some sort of chemical compound that would harm other metahumans that they could then release to private buyers, then they might have tested it out on him.” _

Caitlin frowned slightly. “That’s awfully specific, Harry. Do you really think that Eil-that the people who took Barry would do something like that?” As she was talking, she stood up and walked out of the room until she was standing out in the hallway with Harry. Caitlin hung up and arched an eyebrow when she finished her sentence, clearly waiting for Harry to do the same. “Well?”

He hung up too and gestured back toward the room where Barry, Cisco, Iris, and Joe still were with his thumb. “I’m not saying that that’s something they definitely did and you  _ know  _ that, but I wouldn’t put it past Eiling to try to take down as many metahumans as he could in one fell swoop. On  _ my  _ earth, he’s certainly much more of a public figure, and there would be backlash if he tried anything there, but here… Here he seems more intelligent. Less known.”

“That’s not a good thing,” Caitlin muttered, before saying louder, “Look, Harry, I know you want to help Barry and take Eiling down just as much as the rest of us do, but he’s still recovering.  _ Later  _ when he’s less fragile, you can talk to him and ask about all this anti-metahuman stuff. But right now, Barry’s already stretched to the limit with just Cisco, Iris, Joe, Wally and I being around him. And I’m not even always there! I promise, Harry, soon you’ll be able to ask all the questions you want-but not yet.”

Harry narrowed his eyes down to blue slits. “Snow, you know that the mind blocks out things that it does not want to remember. Every second that Barry spends here is potentially one where he forgets.”

Caitlin made an angry noise at the back of her throat. “That isn’t how it  _ works,  _ Harry! You. Can’t. Talk. To. Him. I promise I’ll keep you updated on how he’s recovering, but I know that  _ you  _ know that it can be very dangerous to crowd someone who’s recovering. We still don’t know if he’s going to react violently or not.”

Harry clenched his fists but didn’t push the issue further as Caitlin turned around and stalked back into the medbay.

* * *

_ “Increase the voltage,” one of Them ordered, and Barry arched his back with a silent scream of pain as more electricity arced throughout his entire body. Blue and gold sparks raced up and down his body, leaving burnt skin that immediately healed itself in their wakes. The muzzle and gag combination that Eiling had attached to his face prevented him from making any sounds outside of the strangled cries that came up out of the back of his throat. _

_ “Stop,” the same person commanded, and Barry sagged with relief onto the cold table, eyes fluttering closed. “Don’t let it pass out, we need it awake for the next trial.” _

_ Someone pried one of Barry’s eyelids open, shining a small light into each of his eyes. “Both pupils are equally reactive to light,” a feminine voice announced, and the light was moved away before a sharp stabbing pain throbbed through the back of Barry’s hand as someone took a blood sample. “I have everything written down, Sir, if you think we should start the next test now.” _

_ There was a flicker of movement just inside of Barry’s vision, and suddenly the straps were undone from around his wrists, throat, and ankles. He was dropped roughly onto the floor and whimpered before trying to curl up small, only for someone to grab his collar and force him to uncurl again. “Enough of that, freak. You’re going to stay still.” _

_ Barry went limp at the order, closing his eyes and crying silently as his skin literally smoked with lightning. He was vibrating enough to burn the hands of anyone who tried to touch him, fuzzy around the edges and with his tears hissing when they met his bruised and bloody skin. _

_ Something slammed down on his back with a loud  _ cracking  _ sound, and Barry gasped in surprise, the lighting darting through his veins momentarily slamming to a halt before suddenly racing like a living entity toward his spine, lighting it up like a Christmas tree as Barry writhed on the floor. His legs jumped without his consent, pain searing throughout his entire body before stopping just below his waist. Barry whimpered through the muzzle, struggling to push himself up on his hands as someone kicked him in the ribs and then carelessly dumped him back onto the table. _

_ “The Velocity-13 trials seem to be working even better than suspected,” someone remarked, but Barry’s brain was too fuzzy for him to tell who it was. He should have known them, though, he should have known who they were. He was supposed to know who they were. “Next time, we should increase the dosage. I wonder how it affects the meta’s immune system?” _

_ “We’ll test that next time,” Eiling replied, and once again Barry felt the straps being arranged to tie him down to the table. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut. Let it be over now. Let it be over now. Let it be over now, please. Let Them be satisfied with what They had done. “For now, let’s see how the Velocity-13 affects the subject’s heart rate.” _

* * *

Harry turned around and walked away. If he couldn’t get close to Barry through Snow, he would have to try it some other way instead. Wally West had always been trusting, and as much as he hated manipulating his little Jesse to get information from him… This was all for her. This was all to help her. The end justified the means.

This was all for his baby girl. This was all for her. And as long as he remembered that, as long as he remembered that it didn’t matter what it was he did as long as he was helping her, everything would be fine. The end justified the means, it always did. The end justified the means.

Now all Harry had to do was see if the subject still knew it was worthless. Still knew its place. 


	11. Tear Yourself Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo, buddy. This took... An _agonizing_ amount of time to complete. God, I just could not get the last scene to work properly for me. I'm still not entirely satisfied with it, but at least now I have a concrete plan for where I want this fic to go and how I'm going to actually make this relationship work. So that's good.
> 
> I don't think that there are any new warnings for this chapter, but there is another flashback (although it doesn't actually have any of the really nasty stuff in it). You can always let me know if you need me to warn for anything.
> 
> Again, sorry this took so long. Hopefully the next one will be up sooner.
> 
> (Also, I don't have visual hallucinations (well, I had one once), so forgive me for my interpretation of them. I do have auditory ones, however, and any that I depict will be based off of my own personal experience.)

“Why do you want me to ask Wally about how Barry’s recovering?” Jesse asked, tilting her head to one side. “Why can’t you just ask him yourself? Or ask Caitlin or Cisco or Joe or Iris? They’d tell you if you asked nicely.”

“I’ve already tried,” Harry said, shaking his head. “Snow thinks that I’d impede his recovery process. And I don’t know Wally very well-you do. You can ask him and then tell me.” When his daughter kept hesitating, Harry pushed again. “I just want to know if there’s anything that I can do to help. Anything at all. I should have done something to stop it, and I want to make sure that Barry is recovering properly.”

Harry knew that he was laying it on thick, and judging by the way Jesse raised an eyebrow she clearly didn’t understand why he was talking like some sort of guilt-ridden teenager. Harry sighed. “Please, Jess. I want to know how he’s doing. If you could talk to Barry yourself, that would be even better, but I don’t think that Snow wants to reintroduce him to anybody else so soon after his escape.”

Jesse sighed and nibbled on her lower lip. “I’ll see what I can do, Dad. I’ll try to talk to Wally, I promise, but I might not get anything out of him. You know that, right?”

“Of course,” Harry rushed to assure her, squeezing her shoulder. “But anything that he tells you could be useful to me in trying to take Eiling down.”

* * *

The first time it happened, Joe and Cisco were the only other ones there. Iris was at work, Wally was in class, and Caitlin was presumably either at STAR Labs or at home. Barry had been asleep, curled up against Cisco while watching what might have been Stargate. Star Trek? Joe wasn’t  _ entirely _ sure which one it was, but at least Barry was getting some rest. Lately, he’d been trying to stop himself from falling asleep, probably because of the nightmares. They’d started slipping sedatives into his food-nothing too strong, but enough to make him drowsy at the very least.

Joe had been on his way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee when Barry started to whimper, small twitches gradually evolving until he was writhing on the couch, screaming. Cisco was already trying to sooth him and/or wake him up, but Joe decided that the more familiar faces Barry saw when he woke up, the better. He sat down on Barry’s other side, speaking to him softly in an attempt to get through to him in his dream.

Barry jerked awake with one last sob before throwing himself forward and tumbling off the couch, hitting his back on the coffee table and making him yelp. Joe reached down automatically to grab him and help him back up onto the couch, but Barry shied away and curled up in a small ball, head between his knees and hands over his ears.

Cisco crouched down beside him and gently touched Barry’s shoulder. “Hey, Bar, hey. It’s okay. You were just having a nightmare, that’s all, it’s okay. Everything’s alright, it’s just me. Joe’s here too, it’s okay, you’re safe. Everything is fine, Bar, it’s okay.”

Barry let out a small sob, cringing away from Cisco’s hand. “Don’t,” he whispered, “don’t touch me, don’t-please, don’t,  _ please  _ don’t,  _ please.” _

“Okay. It’s okay, I won’t touch you, I promise, it’s okay.” Cisco pulled his hand away. “It’s alright, I promise. Joe’s right here, he’s gonna help me keep you safe, okay? It’s alright, it’s fine, I promise.”

“Look at me,” Joe said softly, touching the carpet next to Barry’s foot so that he would know where he was. “Look at me, Bar, it’s okay. Everything’s fine, it’s okay.”

Slowly, achingly slowly, Barry lifted his head up from between his legs. His eyes were wide and slightly glassy with tears, and there were dented crescents where his fingernails had dug into his neck and cheeks. “You with me, string bean?” Cisco asked softly, shifting a little closer to Barry. The speedster’s shaking increased, and Cisco moved his hands away. “I’m not touching you, see? It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Barry whimpered. “No more tests, please, no more tests, I don’t want any more tests. Please don’t please don’t I can’t-no more, please. No more.” His eyes widened and he suddenly threw himself backwards, tumbling against the edge of the couch. “No! Go away!”

Cisco and Joe exchanged glances, and Cisco took a small step towards the terrified speedster. “Barry, look at me. Listen to me. It’s okay. You’re okay, I promise, you’re fine. Everything is fine. It’s alright, you’re safe now, you’re at home. Joe’s right here, okay, it’s just me and Joe, everything’s gonna be okay. Look at me, okay? It’s alright, just look at me.”

_ Table tools the room the room the room the room that awful mirrored ceiling the room the room the room tools straps muzzle the cold cold cold cold table Eiling Them- _

“No,” Barry repeated in a whisper. That had been  _ Cisco’s  _ voice, that had been  _ Cisco  _ talking, no no no what had they done to Cisco not Cisco please not him he didn’t deserve to be a lab rat (not like Barry did). “No, no, no, no, no, no-please, no, please, no, no more tests, no more tests, no more tests. I can’t-please. I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t-”

“Barry. Barry. Look at me, son.” Order order order that was an order and Barry knew that there would be severe consequences if he disobeyed an order. But he didn’t want to-please, he didn’t want to- “Look at me, Bar, it’s okay. What you’re seeing isn’t real, I promise. You’re safe. It’s not real, Barry. It’s not real.”

Lie lie lie why are they lying why do they keep lying please they said that he was safe they said that there would be no more tests and no more orders and they  _ lied  _ they  _ lied  _ they were lying the whole time, no no no no no no no-

“No more tests,” Barry gasped out, gripping at his hair and squeezing his eyes shut, trying to block out the images that were burned into his brain. “No more tests, please, no more tests, I don’t want to, please, no more, no more, no more. No more tests. No more tests. No more tests. No more tests.”

“Okay. Okay, no more tests. I promise, there won’t be anymore tests.” Joe sat down beside him. “I promise, there won’t be anymore tests. I’m here to take you home, okay? Is that okay?”

Barry sniffled and hugged his knees to his chest, looking like the same little kid who was afraid of the monsters in the dark and hated thunderstorms that Joe had taken in all those years ago. “What about Cisco?” He whispered. “I can’t leave Cisco, please, what about Cisco? He-he can’t stay here, I can’t leave without him,  _ please,  _ I can’t leave without him he’s not a monster like me he doesn’t deserve to be a weapon please-”

Joe looked at Cisco and nodded. “Okay, Bar, Cisco can come to. I won’t leave Cisco here, alright? It’s okay. I promise, I won’t leave Cisco behind.”

Cisco gently took Barry’s hand and lightly squeezed it, causing the other metahuman to curl closer to him and wrap his entire body around him, one arm around his neck while his legs crossed over Cisco’s and he buried his face into the base of the engineer’s neck. Joe moved closer while Barry couldn’t see him, reaching out and gently touching his upper arm. When Barry didn’t try to pull away, Joe tugged on his arm until Barry shifted in his direction before picking the metahuman up.

Once again, he was struck by just how light Barry was. All skin and bone, with only a little bit of muscle still left on his body. Barry sniffled and went limp and heavy in Joe’s arms, squeezing his eyes shut while blindly grabbing for Cisco. The other metahuman held Barry’s hand awkwardly while Joe maneuvered him up the stairs, purring softly and trying to keep Barry grounded.

As soon as Joe set Barry down on the bed he rolled up toward the headboard, eyes still closed. He burrowed down into the mattress, bringing his knees up to his chest and curling up small. At least it was sort of a step up from him stretching out and clearly waiting for something (Joe didn’t want to think about what he might have been waiting for, but judging by the scars he suspected that he knew). Cisco sat down next to him on the bed and tried to coax him to open his eyes, promising that it would be okay. He was safe, he was safe, Barry was safe.

Joe sat down a chair and watched them, praising Barry when he opened his eyes and shifted closer to Cisco. They had all learned that Barry responded the best to praise, although none of them really knew exactly why. Joe thought that it probably had something to do with how Eiling had ‘trained’ Barry to follow his commands-just hurting him when he didn’t do something right might have worked on its own, but as disgusting as it was it was far more likely that that sick bastard had given Barry some sort of reward or praise whenever he had obeyed.

Cisco stroked Barry’s hair, whispering things that Joe couldn’t hear into the speedster’s ear. Whatever it was, it made Barry’s eyes go slightly wide and he nodded quickly, visibly perking up as Cisco pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped the screen a few times before holding it up to his ear and waiting. After a few seconds, he pressed the speaker button and held it out. “Iris? You’re on speakerphone.”

Joe stood up and left the room. If anything happened he would be close enough to help, but for now the potential crisis was averted.

* * *

Cisco’s eyes snapped open and he sat up with a frown. He automatically looked down at Barry (and Iris, who was on the speedster’s other side, a net of blankets the only thing keeping her from falling right off of the side of the bed), but he didn’t appear to be having any nightmares. At least not yet, since judging by the clock it was only a few minutes after midnight.

So what had woken him up? Not a vibe, or at least he didn’t think that it had been one. And Cisco knew that it wasn’t his night to patrol (Caitlin had been covering most of his shifts since they had gotten Barry back, with the occasional assistance of Hartley of all people and once Laurel when she was in town. They hadn’t let her actually talk to Barry, but she had seen enough of him from a distance to bring the news that he was sort of okay (well not really) back to Star so that Oliver would “stop brooding everywhere”), so he hadn’t been woken up by his internal clock yelling at him that it was time to be awake…

He frowned slightly and looked at Barry and Iris again.  _ Something  _ had woken Cisco up, obviously, he just couldn’t figure out what it was.

Well, now that he was awake, he might as well go to the bathroom. That might help him get back to sleep.

When Cisco came back, Barry and Iris had shifted position, so that Iris was no longer falling off the bed and Barry’s arms were wrapped around her waist. Cisco looked at them for a moment. He expected to feel… Something. Excluded? Jealous that they obviously cared deeply about each other? But he had been a part of that pile only a minute ago, and nothing had really changed outside of Iris being in a safer position, so…?

Cisco slipped back under the covers, still watching Iris and Barry. Iris squirmed into what might have been a more comfortable position, still partially asleep, and Barry rolled over to face Cisco at the movement. The engineer smiled to himself. This felt good, this felt natural, almost, although he would have liked it to have been under better circumstances.

Wait.

Oh no.

* * *

Barry sat on the floor of Joe’s bedroom (his, now, since Joe had been sleeping in his old room), knees drawn up to his chest. There was a pad of paper on the floor in front of him and a pencil with a dull tip. Barry still was wary around sharp objects, for more reasons than one. Iris sat in front of him on the carpet-it was Cisco's patrol night, so he couldn't be there. Joe was watching, just in case.

“Just try it,” Iris encouraged. “I know it's going to be hard at first, but it'll get easier, I promise.” She pushed the pad of paper closer to Barry and held the pencil out eraser-first. “Just try, Bar.”

He carefully took the pencil and picked up the paper. Barry knew an order when he heard one, even if it was coming from someone as safe and comforting as Iris. Curling his fingers around the pencil with some difficulty, he looked at Iris for further direction. Privately, she was glad that he was missing the pinkie finger on his non-dominant hand.

“Write something simple,” she suggested. “Something you know. The alphabet, or your birthday, or your name. Something like that.”

Barry bit his lip and pressed the tip of the pencil into the page. His hand was shaking, fingers twitching around the writing utensil. Something easy. Something simple. What did that  _ mean?  _ Did that mean that the punishment wouldn't be as severe if he got it wrong? Barry didn't understand, he didn't  _ know,  _ he had to get it right.

Iris watched him nervously. Caitlin had been the one to start work on the physical therapy, but Barry was still bad at recognizing her, especially while she was wearing gloves. Even though she'd stopped wearing her coat altogether (which meant that if he couldn't see her hands that Barry would know it was her almost every single time unless he was having an unusually bad anxiety or panic attack) the gloves still posed a big problem.

Barry slowly made a wobbly line down the page, eyebrows knitted together in concentration. Iris couldn't really tell what he was writing (the lines were shaky and she was viewing it from upside down). He made a small sound of frustration and fear, eyes welling with tears as he tried again. Iris reached out and touched Barry's arm.

“Breathe, Barry, breathe. It's okay. Nothing bad is going to happen if you can't do it, okay? I promise.”

Barry scowled and tried again, this time producing a slightly legible capital letter ‘A’. Iris beamed and gave him a huge hug. Joe smiled at him from the chair. “Do you want me to get you something to eat, son?”

Barry nodded quickly, looking down at his hands with a small smile on his face. “Y-yes Sir-I mean, yes Joe.”

Joe nodded and left as Iris gave Barry a reassuring smile. “Are you okay?”

Barry looked at his hands. “I-I-I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry.”

“It's alright,” Iris promised. “It's okay not to know.”  Barry whimpered and leaned closer to her. Iris took that as an invitation to pull him into a hug. "It's okay, Bar, I promise it's okay."

* * *

 

_ Barry blinked up at the harsh light of the room, his own face staring down at him from the ceiling. Coughing out blood from Eiling’s latest experiment, the young man tried to pull his arms free from the straps on instinct. Nothing happened, and Barry flopped weakly back down onto the cold metal table. _

_ The door was pushed open, and Barry looked at it with half-lidded eyes. Eiling strode in, followed by a large cluster of guards and doctors. _

_ “Hello, meta,” Eiling greeted, reaching out and picking something up off of the table before turning back to Barry. He grabbed a handful of the metahuman’s brown hair, pulling his head up slightly off of the table and clipping something behind his head before setting something against Barry’s mouth. The muzzle cut into the skin around the speedster’s mouth, holding his jaws closed. _

_ Barry tried to fight, struggling to lift his arms up and claw the muzzle away. But all of his efforts were futile, and Eiling let Barry’s head drop down onto the metal table. _

_ Turning to face the group of people that he had brought in with him, Barry could see because of the ceiling that Eiling was about to reach for some sort of tray of tools. He tried to get away, remembering Eiling’s promises of vivisection and torture, the way that his eyes had lit up in twisted delight when he had talked about cutting Barry open. _

_ One of them handed him something; a tool that Barry’s couldn’t make out because of the minor distortion from the mirror. _

_ Eiling turned around and showed the tool to Barry. A bone saw. “Do you know what this is, freak?” _

_ The speedster cringed away against the table, more goosebumps rising on his skin from the cold metal. A small strangled sound came out from behind the muzzle. Eiling laughed. _

_ “I’ll take that as a yes, then.” He set the bladed part against Barry’s stomach for a moment before taking it away again, making his subject sag back against the table with relief. “Where should we start first?” The general mused. “The stomach, the ribs, a leg… I wonder…” _

_ Then he smirked down at Barry, making the metahuman involuntarily tremble. “How about the arm?” _

_ Barry let out a small sob and tried to move away, eyes as wide as dinner plates. Eiling smacked the scared speedster, palm hitting against Barry's temple and leaving a red mark. “Stay still, freak.” _

_ Barry tried to make himself stay frozen as one of the surgeons wiped down the spot just under Barry's shoulder with an alcohol wipe. He whimpered behind the muzzle and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to see it, he didn't want to see what Eiling was going to do, it was bad enough that he had to feel it, but having to see it reflected on the mirrored ceiling… _

_ Someone set the serrated edge of the bone saw against his arm, and Barry tried to brace himself as Eiling’s voice spoke loudly and clearly into his ear. _

_ “Begin.” _

* * *

“Iris.”

Iris looked up and glanced around until she made eye contact with Cisco, who was sitting directly across from her with his hands braced against the table. “Uh… Yeah?”

He didn't stop staring at her, dark brown eyes wide. “I want to-I mean-if you want, I won't make you do anything you don't want me to, and-”

“Cisco,” Iris interrupted. “You're, uh, you're babbling.”

The metahuman took a deep breath. “Do you, uh-look, I really wanna go out with you, but I also kind of want to be with Barry, and I know that you do too ’cause it's kinda obvious and I know that Joe has been waiting for you two to get your acts together literally forever even though that’s kinda been put on hold because of what happened, and-”

“You want to date me?” Iris interrupted, setting her book down. Linda had recommended it to her, and it was actually pretty good considering that the other woman's taste tended to stray pretty far from her own.  _ “And  _ you want to date Barry?”

“Um. Yeah. Yeah, I do.” Cisco flushed and looked at the table. “Pretty badly, actually. I've kind of wanted to for a while now. But I only  _ fully  _ realized it a couple of nights ago. I think I was just mistaking it for, like, really close friendship, or something? Which it is definitely not.”

“Well, I can't speak for Barry,” Iris said thoughtfully, taking her time in choosing her words, “but… I'll go out with you. I-I'm still in love with Barry, I know that much, but I think…” She didn't want to say out loud that she was pretty sure that she loved him, too. Compared to some people, Iris didn't really feel like she knew Cisco all that well. Sure, Iris knew all of his favorite movies and candies and the actors that he hated and the movies he flat out refused to watch because they were whitewashed and the characters had been flattened into boring stereotypes.

Iris knew how he took his ridiculously sugary and sweet coffee, about how he had privately started a petition to bring back the Flash drink at Jitters when they took it down after three months without a single sighting of their scarlet speedster, and how proud he was ordering the drinks that they had named after Vibe and Killer Frost. Iris knew about Dante and about the  _ real  _ reason that they had grown apart, she knew about how he had once scaled a tree as Vibe just to get a little girl’s kitten out of a tree-the ultimate clichéd superhero move.

Oh. Now that she viewed it from a different angle, maybe she knew more about Cisco than she thought she did. Her mental files on Jesse, Harry, or even Caitlin and Wally weren't this long, and she'd known Caitlin for as long as she'd known Cisco and Wally was her  _ brother.  _

Cisco beamed, and suddenly Iris recognized that swooping feeling in her stomach for what it really was. How had she not seen it before? “I-awesome! That's great! Where do you wanna go, to like the movies or to a nice restaurant or something? Or is that too cliché? I don't think it's cliché, but…”

Iris couldn't stop herself from laughing. “No, it's not too cliché-I  _ know  _ you've gone on dates before, Cisco, it's just like that.”

He smiled sheepishly. “Considering that my last sort-of girlfriend turned out to be a semi-immortal Egyptian priestess with a soulmate and the most I’ve had since was a few one night stands that I unfortunately hardly remember, I wouldn't say that I'm a master of romance.”

Iris nudged him. “I've been out of the game for a pretty long time, too,” she said, although there was an edge of sadness in her voice. Cisco frowned and scooted his chair over so that it was next to hers. “I thought, before Barry disappeared, that we could have actually done something, but after he was taken it never really occurred to me to try to find someone. I was just so focused on getting him back. I-I didn’t want to lose anybody else I loved.”

“Hey, nobody can blame you for that,” Cisco said comfortingly, draping his arm over her shoulder. “It's okay.”

She squeezed back. “If you wanted,” she said slowly, “we could talk to Barry. Maybe not right now, but still. See how he feels about… This.”

“This?” Cisco echoed, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. Iris watched as his face suddenly lit up with comprehension. “Oh, you mean-oh. Do you really want to try?”

Iris shrugged and sighed, making Cisco's arm bounce. “I don't know if it'll work,” she admitted honestly. “I _ think  _ I want to try. I think. You hear all these stories about couples-er I mean-”

“Actually,” Cisco corrected, “open and polyamorous relationships tend to be healthier and to last longer, because the people involved are usually more open with each other.” When Iris gaped at him, he flushed self consciously and rubbed the back of his neck. “I, um, did my research? Caitlin helped.”

Iris snickered and pulled him in for a hug. “You,” she said matter-of-factly, “are a huge dork and a nerd, and I love you for it.”

Cisco hugged her back for a few seconds and then stepped away, looking upstairs. “We don't have to do it now, you know. We don't have to start out with all three of us. Most people don't. We can take it slowly and date for a little while, see if this actually  _ works  _ before we bring Bary in.”

Iris bit her lower lip. “I don’t think I want to tell him now. Like, we’ll tell him that we’re dating, but we won’t do anything else for a little bit. At least until he’s recovered a bit more.” An even more worrying thought occurred to her. “Besides, if we ask him now, well… We’re pretty much the only two people that he’s consistently trusted. If we break his trust now, it’s going to be really hard to gain it back again.”

“That would be bad,” Cisco summed up. “Or worse, we could make him think that he has to say yes. Which would be… Not good. At all.”

“So we won’t ask him yet,” Iris decided. “We’ll see how this goes first.”

Cisco beamed and gave her a huge hug. “Hey, uh, you never answered my question. Where do you wanna go?”

Iris shrugged, smiling. She was really doing this. She was actually doing this. And it felt… Really good _.  _ “I don’t know. Any restaurant is fine, I guess. I don’t really like shrimp?”

“I know,” Cisco said with a small shrug. “But I think I have just the place. It’s gonna be a surprise, though. I think you’ll like it.”

Iris laughed. “I’ll take your word for it.”

This felt good. This felt right and good and now that it was happening, she didn’t know why she had been so worried. Nothing had changed, they had just gotten… Closer.

It was  _ right. _


	12. I Slithered Here From Eden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new warnings, but there is some (non-graphic) self-harm and dehumanization.
> 
> We're about to get into the _really_ good parts. Mwahahaha.

“You’re sure about this?” Iris asked, frowning slightly and moving a little bit closer to Barry protectively. “I thought we were waiting before we introduced new people.”

Caitlin sighed. “Look, I’d prefer to wait too, but Harry’s been insistent and I can’t really see any harm in letting him talk to Barry. We’ll all be right here in case something accidentally happens, and Barry’s been doing a lot better.”

Barry looked at her, head tilted. He was pretty sure that that was praise, which meant that he needed to keep doing what he had been doing so that they would be happy. He could do that, he could be good, he would make them happy and he would be an obedient little freak. Always always always.

Iris reached out and set a hand on Barry’s shoulder, projecting her movements before she did so. “Caitlin, I know Harry’s trustworthy and and he helped save Barry’s life and all, but he can be kind of… Blunt. And he doesn’t always think about the safety of others unless it’s Jesse who’s in danger. I don’t think that this is a very good idea.”

“If he does something, I’ll drag him out of here and then ice him to the floor,” Caitlin promised. “And then I’ll yell at him and probably almost punch him. But I already told him that he could see and talk to Barry, and I don’t want to go back on that now. Iris, I promise, the  _ second  _ I think he’s a threat to Barry’s health I’ll throw him out myself.”

Iris sat down next to Barry with a small scowl on her face. “I still don’t like it. But… Fine.”

Caitlin gave her a reassuring smile and walked to the doorway, frowning when she saw two people instead of one there. She gave Harry a look, raising one eyebrow and pursing her lips. “I thought it was only going to be you that we were reintroducing today.”

Jesse blushed and looked down at the floor. “I wanted to come, too,” she said quietly, scuffling her feet on the floor. “I wanted to see how he was doing. Wally said it was really bad.”

Caitlin sent Jesse a tired smile. “It is, but he’s been doing better. Since there’s two of you”-she glared at Harry again-“we’ll have to make it shorter, but if it goes well then you two can probably see him again tomorrow at the earliest. The more people he’s comfortable with, the better. But hopefully next time, Harry, you’ll  _ warn  _ me before you bring someone else here.”

Jesse blushed even darker. “I-I don’t have to see him today, I just… He helped save my life, and…”

Caitlin squeezed Jesse’s arm. “It’s okay, but a little warning would have been nice. Come on.”

She led the way back into the Cortex, keeping one eye on the two of them the entire time. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust them, she just didn’t think that it was a good idea to introduce  _ two  _ new people at this point. Just one of them today, yes, and maybe the other one tomorrow, but  _ both  _ at the same time…

Barry sat up a little straighter when they entered, eyes flickering back at forth between Harry and Jesse and Caitlin. Jesse and Caitlin both gave him small tentative smiles, although Caitlin’s was more reassuring while Jesse’s held quite a bit more shakiness.

“Hey, Barry,” Jesse greeted, taking a small step forward before hopping back again with a flicker of sparks like she wasn’t sure what to do. Barry’s eyes widened and focused on the trail of lightning that she left, making a small whimpering sound of confusion. That wasn’t allowed, using powers without permission wasn’t allowed, They would hurt Jesse for it, hurt her and break her and make her into a monster and  _ Barry couldn’t let them do that she was just a kid- _

Harry made a move, and Barry’s mind went blank.

* * *

_ “Listen to me, freak,” Eiling ordered, and Barry stood up a little bit straighter. “You already know how to follow orders, don’t you?” _

_ Barry nodded quickly, looking down at the floor. “Yes, Sir.” _

_ “Good. Then this shouldn’t be  _ too  _ difficult for you to grasp, meta.” Eiling sneered and took a step closer to Barry, causing him to tense and force himself to stay in one place instead of flinching. “From now on, I expect you to know that not every order will be spoken out loud. But if you don’t obey them…” _

_ He let the threat hang in the air for a moment, and Barry shivered, looking down at the floor. “Yes, Sir, I understand. Sir.” _

_ “Good. Maybe you aren’t completely worthless after all, meta.” _

* * *

In two seconds, Barry started had dug his nails into his arms and started to claw at them, digging grooves into his skin that left thin lines of blood in their wakes. Iris grabbed his wrists, pulling them apart and away from his arms.

“No, Barry,” she said sternly, wincing when he flinched and let out a small whimper. “You can’t do that, okay? You’re hurting yourself.  _ Don’t  _ do that, alright?”

Barry squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. He didn’t understand, he didn’t understand, first They had ordered him to punish himself and now They didn’t want him to? Now They were saying that he was bad for following orders? Barry didn’t understand, he didn’t understand, he didn’t  _ understand,  _ what did They want him to do, what did they want him to do? He was supposed to follow orders no matter the cost!

Seeing no other option, he shifted until he was in his Position on the floor, shaking and trying not to be for forgiveness for being a failed asset, a failed weapon, a failed tool. Caitlin frowned and stood up, gesturing for the door. “I think that’s enough for one day. Harry, Jesse,  _ out.” _

Harry and Jesse both left without complaint, although Jesse didn’t seem to be able to tear her eyes off of where Barry was on the floor. Harry tugged on her arm, leading her out of the room. It seemed he didn’t have to do as much as he thought. The meta still knew its place, still knew it belonged to its masters. Good. Now all he had to do was make sure that it stayed that way.

And, eventually, deliver the weapon back to Eiling.

* * *

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that something had changed for the worse.

Every word was suddenly an order, even more so than they had been before. Sometimes Barry would do something seemingly for no reason at all, like kneel down or stretch out on the floor or start clawing at his arms or banging his head against the wall as hard as he could. Almost every time he saw Joe, he would drop down onto his knees, head tilted forwards until it nearly touched the floor.

Caitlin decided that something must have happened, that something had triggered a relapse. But none of them knew what it was, or how to stop themselves from accidentally doing it again. Caitlin figured that it must have had something to do with STAR Labs, but exactly  _ what  _ about it they didn’t know. She’d stopped making Barry come to the lab almost every day to weigh him (and do some other things, like take his blood pressure and listen to his lungs), but things hadn’t gotten better.

Jesse had started visiting more and more often, usually with Harry in tow. He’d ask questions about Barry’s recovery, which were almost always answered in the same way, before stepping back and letting Jesse do all of the actual interaction. The girl was surprisingly good with him, and he was about as comfortable with her as he was with Wally. 

It was probably because of the fact that they were speedsters-Barry had reacted strangely to all of them using their powers. Not scared of them, per se, but clearly scared of  _ something.  _ Cisco had been the one to figure out that he was afraid of Eiling or his men punishing  _ them  _ for using their powers, just like they had clearly punished Barry.

To try to get Barry used to using his powers again, Cisco had started using his for more and more mundane things. Like changing the channel on the TV or radio, for example, or shooting a tiny concentrated blast out of one finger to kill a fly or a spider. Wally started following his example; using his speed to clean up or read or study.

Barry still hadn’t used his powers for anything yet, at least not on purpose. He had used his speed once or twice on  _ accident,  _ but outside of that he didn’t seem to dare trying. And whatever it was that had happened seemed to have only made things worse. They had already promised him several times that he was allowed to use his powers, that he wouldn’t be punished for it, but he clearly didn’t believe them.

They had no idea how to convince him that it was safe again.

He had finally started to believe it, making slow progress, and now…

Caitlin smushed her face into her hands. Cisco was probably the only reason that she hadn’t lost her mind this week, if she was being completely honest. He basically forced her to sleep, taking over her patrols whenever he could as well as slowly starting to do his again. Central City (and Keystone, when they could make it over there) had missed their hero. Pied Piper and Black Canary could only stick around and help out Killer Frost for so long before people started getting suspicious about Vibe’s whereabouts.

Oddly enough, even with Barry’s sudden relapse, he was still mostly okay with Cisco being gone. As long as Iris was there, he was okay, and if Iris was gone, then he would be alright as long as Cisco was there. If both of them weren't there, he was  _ usually  _ okay with Wally and/or Joe being there to watch him.  _ Usually. _ They had already started working on getting him used to being by himself, leaving him alone in one room but never by himself in the house. At least not yet. 

Which was why when it was time for Iris and Cisco to have their date, they couldn't leave Barry in the house alone. But Joe had to work, Caitlin had to patrol (Laurel had already left for Star City so Hartley was the only one helping and he outright  _ refused  _ to do more than one night in a row), and Wally and Jesse both had to be at Mercury Labs (something that Harry was constantly bitter about).

Which left them only one, rather unfortunate, option.

“You want me to watch Allen?” Harry asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

Caitlin sighed and nodded. “You’re the only one available that we know he won’t be completely terrified out of his mind around. Joe  _ would  _ stay, Singh would let him, but there’s been two homicides and they’re suspecting that there’s a meta involved. And since Joe’s cover story is that he’s been helping the Flash…”

“They want his input,” Harry finished, rolling his eyes. “And West-the boy-can't do it because…?”

Caitlin sighed again and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Because he's needed at Mercury Labs. Just because Mcgee knows that Wally and Jesse are metahumans doesn't mean she's going to make allowances for them outside of letting them eat while they work as long as they don't disturb the results of whatever they're experimenting on. Or whatever the person that they're shadowing is testing. And  _ I  _ can't do it because I have to patrol.”

Harry scowled. “Fine, I'll do it.” Caitlin blinked. She had thought that it would take a bit more convincing. “When is this… Date?”

He raised an eyebrow at her, and Caitlin had to fight the urge to roll her eyes back up into her head in annoyance. She may have trusted Harry, but that didn't mean he was always the easiest person to be around or work with. “Next Friday night.”

“Should I be at West’s, or are they going to bring Allen to STAR Labs?” Harry turned around and started to fiddle with something on his desk that Caitlin couldn’t see, although she assumed that he was just writing this new information down so that he wouldn’t forget.

“You’re going to Joe’s-since whatever it was that happened, STAR Labs will probably only make Barry worse. You don’t even have to be in the same room as him if you don’t want to be, Harry, he just has to know where you are so that he doesn’t panic and  _ you  _ have to be there to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.” Caitlin turned to leave. “Bring a book or something if you think you’re going to be bored.”

Harry sighed as Caitlin left, glancing around to make sure that nobody was watching him. They weren’t, aside from the security camera in the corner. But he had full control over those, and knew for a fact that nobody would be watching them. Not with so many other things to worry about. He unlocked a drawer (in his  _ own  _ workroom, thank you, the last thing that he needed was Ramon finding out about this) and pulled it open.

It looked like he had to move his schedule up. Usually that wouldn’t be an objection-hell, it was probably a good thing. The faster that he was able to return Allen to Eiling, the better. But that meant he had to work fast. It was lucky that he had already discovered a combination and dosage of inhalants that would work on a speedster-with Snow’s (unknowing) help, of course. Which meant that he only  _ really  _ had one thing left to finish.

Or at least, one thing left that he still needed to put the finishing touches on.

Harry pulled out the metal and plastic collar, unscrewing part of it and prodding around at the inner designs. It could be taken off fairly easily by somebody as long as they weren’t the one wearing it, but it was far sturdier than the last one and the range of the shock mechanism had been increased. But it wasn’t done yet. If it was fast enough, the meta would be able to escape despite the shocking.

Which meant that he had to dampen its speed. But since his timetable had been moved up… Harry sighed and fiddled with the innards of the collar. He’d have to call Eiling today, let him know that his asset’s transfer would be moved up by quite a bit. The general would be pleased.

Harry just hoped that he wouldn’t be so caught up in punishing the meta for its disobedience that he wouldn’t let Harry direct his tests. He was very interested in seeing if he could introduce even more commands than the ones that Eiling had already taught it, perhaps even a few that Eiling wouldn’t know about until Harry utilized them. It would be useful to be able to silence the meta with a motion, or make it submit just by taking a step in its direction. Eiling would find them practical, too.

Now all he had to do was bring the meta in.

* * *

_ “Please don’t,” Barry whispered through tears. “Please don’t, please don’t please please don’t I-I-” _

_ Something hit the side of his head, sending him sprawling. “Begging won’t get you anywhere, freak.” A hand grabbed his collar, using it to lift him up and making Barry choke and gasp as he scrabbled for it with his fingers, trying to loosen the strangling hold it had on his neck. “Although it is rather entertaining sometimes.” _

_ “Stop toying with it,” someone sighed, and Barry was dropped again. He tried to curl up on his side, hands reaching for the collar as he rubbed at the irritated bruises around his neck. “General Eiling wanted us to get this over with as fast as possible.” _

_ “Fine,” the person huffed, and Barry felt as well as heard something get clipped around one of the several small loops in the collar. “Come on, meta-don't want to keep your  _ master  _ waiting, do we?” _

_ Barry hissed in pain and surprise as he was dragged upright by a-chain? Leash? Something like that. He automatically resisted, trying to pull back against the tugging before letting out a yelp as he was pulled forward by someone much stronger than he was. Barry struggled to breathe, rushing to follow after them as they set off at a fairly quick pace out of the cell and down the hallway. _

_ Begging was useless, he knew that, but now he didn't even have enough air left to cry. And he knew better than to try to fight the leash. He'd tried that the first few times they attached it to the collar, and the punishment had been… Severe, to say the very least. _

_ The speedster bit his lip as he pulled to an abrupt halt, hugging his shoulders and closing his eyes. He knew this room, he knew this room, he knew this room and he  _ hated  _ it with every fiber of his being. But Barry knew better than to try to struggle. That would just mean punishment later. _

_ “Get on the table, meta,” the person holding his leash ordered, and Barry obeyed, rolling over onto his back and trying not to cry. “No, freak. Get on your stomach.” _

_ Confused, Barry did as he was told, letting out a small whimper as he felt straps being done up on his arms, legs, and neck, as well as what must have been his collar getting attached to the table itself. For a moment he struggled weakly against the restraints, but the jolt of electricity that ran throughout his entire body made him go limp. _

_ Something pressed down on his back, making a straight cut down the back of the tattered old shirt that one of the guards had ‘graciously’ given him. The sides were pushed down, and Barry tried to buck up off of the table as he felt gloved hands push down on his spine, seeking something out. _

_ The hands pulled away, and for a moment Barry felt relieved, until he heard someone sigh. “Green, get the kit. I thought I told you to bring it here earlier? The general won’t be happy if we take too long.” _

_ Barry heard a door open and close, and then something icy cold touched his lower back. He made a small sound of confused fear and attempted to roll away. Please, don’t, whatever it was, please, please, please, don’t, please, he’d do anything, anything, anything that they wanted, really he would, but please. Not this, whatever this was, not this. _

_ “Be still, meta,” the doctor ordered him. “Maybe if you’re good, we’ll give you something to eat later.” _

_ Barry stopped moving immediately, eyes wide. Food? Food? They might give him food? That meant that he had to be good, he had to be so good, if he was good then they would give him food and he would do  _ anything  _ for them if it meant that he would get something to eat. He’d be good he’d be good he’d be so good. They would have to give him food if he obeyed and was a good little freak. _

_ The door opened and closed again, and the surgeon sighed. “Finally, Green. It’s been prepped-no need for anesthetic, I thought you knew that-hand me the 25-gauge needle.” _

* * *

Barry watched the clock steadily change numbers, waiting for Iris and Cisco and Wally and Joe to get back. Iris had said that Wally would probably be back before the rest of them were, so Barry was mainly waiting on him. Once Wally got back, Harry would leave, and that meant that there wouldn’t be anybody to protect Wally from. Or at least he didn’t think that there would be.

He curled up on his side on the couch, still staring at the clock, waiting patiently for Wally to get back. He wanted Wally to get back. He had had to follow a lot of orders lately, but he had been rewarded with food (Eiling didn’t usually give him rewards unless he had been extra good, but here they gave them out much more often).

Barry momentarily looked away from the clock to focus on the TV, which was playing something that he knew he was supposed to like. That he  _ had  _ enjoyed. Something with a lot of bright lights and sounds. Cisco had told him to watch it before rushing to say that he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to. But he did, he did, he had to be good or else Cisco and Iris and Wally and Joe and Caitlin would get hurt. And Jesse, and Harry and-and-

He closed his eyes for a moment before forcing himself to open them again, trying to focus on the clock. It was late, the nightmares had been keeping him up, and he was so, so tired, but…  If he slept, that would mean  _ more  _ nightmares. That would mean more bad things. Besides, Barry knew that if he fell asleep right then, his nightmares would probably end up ruining Iris and Cisco’s night even more. 

He didn't want to sleep. Sleep would be… Bad. Sleeping was worse than being awake, sometimes. The nightmares just made everything worse-at least he didn’t get those during the day, outside of flashbacks and panic attacks and the occasional auditory hallucination. But he was tired. So tired and he wanted to  _ sleep. _

Barry's eyes started to slip close, and he let out a small sigh that was part resignation as he started to fall asleep.

That was when something was pressed down over his mouth and nose, and Barry’s eyes flew open as something that smelled sickly sweet invaded his lungs.


	13. Dreaming Of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie, this chapter has some fucked up stuff in it. If you want to be warned, keep reading the note, but if you don't want spoilers than just skip ahead to the chapter.
> 
> Warnings for: force-feeding, medical trauma, suicidal intentions, and non-graphic descriptions of the game Russian Roulette.

He couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t-

Barry thrashed, trying to move his head away from the cloth over his face, panic overriding his logic as he fought back blindly against his attacker. No no no no no no no never again never again never again never again, please never again, he couldn’t-he couldn’t-no, no, no, no, _no-!_

Something snapped around his neck, and Barry redoubled his efforts to escape. No no no nononono _nonono_ he _wouldn’t_ he _wouldn’t_ he was _never_ going to go back ever _again_ let go of him let go of him let go let go let go let _go!_ His brain was starting to go fuzzy as the drugs took effect, and Barry’s struggles grew weaker and weaker as he kept trying to fight.

The speedster’s fingernails caught on something solid and he tried to scratch at it, trying to rip the arm away. But even as he felt something tear underneath his hands, his vision was going dark, eyes sliding shut and body going limp from exhaustion. In a last-ditch effort to get away, Barry jerked his head back, trying to pull away from the rag, accidentally smashing back into his attacker’s face and making them hiss and weaken their grip.

Barry used the opportunity to rip himself away and slammed into the wall, trying to get away as the collar around his neck hummed but didn’t shock him. He managed to fumble for the door, eyes wide and terrified as he tried to lash out at his would-be kidnapper. Managing to get the door open, he scrambled as fast as he could out of the house, not even bothering to attempt not to use his speed as he bolted away.

He didn’t know where he was going, he just knew that he had to get _away._ He had to get out and he had to get away. He couldn’t go back he couldn’t go back he was _never_ going back, never again. Never again. Never again. Never again.

Barry only ran for a few seconds (although to him it felt like it had been much longer) before slamming into something that gave underneath him (a door?), muscle memory driving him toward something that his subconscious recognized as a safe space. Ducking down, he threw himself forward and under, crashing into something much more solid and curling up small, drawing his knees up to his chest.

His shirt was smoking and burnt in some places, and the collar around his neck was too tight to breathe easily. He started clawing at it, digging his nails in and trying to pull it off and away. That was when the collar itself sparked to life, and Barry yelped and redoubled his efforts as his body momentarily writhed with pain.

“What the hell?” Somebody yelled, but their voice was oddly slowed down and distorted. Barry tried to curl up tighter as he closed his eyes, only to gasp in pain and shock as the collar zapped him a second time. He whimpered and struggled to get it off, but it wouldn’t fit over his head and he didn’t have the keys to open it up.

“Everybody out!” Someone else shouted, and after what felt like forever Barry heard the sound of somebody crouching down beside him.

“Barry?” A familiar (no no no no no no no no no did They take his family again did They take his family again did They take his family again no no no no please he was supposed to be safe he was supposed to be safe he was supposed to be safe) voice said, and Barry curled away against the… Wall? Whatever it was, it was solid, and he pressed tightly against it. “What are you doing here? What’s wrong? Where did-”

Barry whimpered when the collar shocked him again, jerking his hands up as it sent bolts of pain into his skin. “Please, no,” he whispered, “please don’t, please don’t, please don’t, I don’t want to-no, no, please don’t, please don’t please don’t, please-”

“Oh my god-David, _look.”_ A hand touched Barry’s foot and he pulled away, eyes still squeezed tightly shut. “Barry, it’s okay. Open your eyes, son, it’s okay, you’re safe. I want to get that collar off of you, okay? That’s all.”

“No, no, no, no,” Barry whispered, rocking and trying to cover his ears while still pulling on the collar as it shocked him again, the voltage even higher this time. “Please don’t please don’t please don’t please don’t I don’t want to please stop stop stop stop don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me please don’t please don’t please don’t.”

* * *

_“Go away,” Barry whispered, pulling his knees up to his chest and ignoring the clinking of the chains that kept his legs hobbled. “Go away, go away, go away, go away, please, you’re not-you’re-go away. Please, please, please.”_

_Something lifted his chin, and Barry tried to pull his head away as he felt the horribly familiar muzzle being fitted over his face. He tried to pull his head away with a whimper, eyes widening as he tried to duck down and avoid it, but the back of his head was held still and he was forced to have the muzzle attached over his mouth and nose. Or-no, that was strange, that was strange and wrong and_ bad, _the muzzle_ didn’t _fit over his nose. It had been modified to only hold his mouth shut._

_“If you aren’t going to eat, we’re just going to have to keep you alive another way,” Eiling sneered. “Let’s see how eager you are for a chance at real food after a few weeks like this.”_

_Barry went limp as the chains and cuffs around his arms and legs were removed, not bothering to try to run as Eiling picked him up by the back of his collar and dragged him out of the tiny cell and down the hall. This didn’t matter, this didn’t matter, this didn’t matter, it would all be over soon, it would all be over soon, it would all be over soon. Nothing mattered anymore._

_It would be over soon. It had to be over soon._

_It_ needed _to be._

_Eiling dropped Barry’s collar in front of what looked like a chair, although it had several straps attached to it. Restraints. Barry tried to lean away before realizing that it didn’t matter. He might as well follow their orders. He’d just be punished for being bad anyways._

_The speedster was forced to sit, restraints buckled tightly around his ankles, wrists, and waist as he heard the sound of what must have been one of Eiling’s underlings attaching his muzzle to the back of the chair to hold his head in place. Barry tried to pull away, only to get shocked by his collar and forced to stay still as the last of the straps were done up._

_“How much of the formula are we supposed to give it, Sir?” Someone asked nervously, and Barry tried to look in the direction of the voice only to be stopped by the muzzle. He hissed a little in pain, remembering when they had stripped him and sprayed him down with water and yelled at him to “just fucking move already.”_

_“Twelve fluid ounces,” somebody (familiar familiar familiar but not Eiling?) instructed, and Barry caught the movement in the corner of his eye of someone nodding and attaching something unfamiliar to a… Canister? A machine? He couldn’t tell. It was just out of his line of sight, and that made him nervous. That scared him._

_Through vision that was slightly blurred by tears, Barry saw a person walk up in front of him. Catching sight of what they were holding, Barry’s eyes went wide, and he tried to pull away with a small keening sound that the muzzle couldn’t stop. A hand hold his chin still and Barry tried to thrash, the restraints pushing down on him and keeping him in place._

_Barry tried to beg as his head was tilted backwards, but the muzzle held his jaws securely shut. Letting out a small whine, Barry felt more tears prick at the corners of his eyes. No no no no no he didn’t want this, he didn’t want this, he didn’t want this please god no no stop, stop,_ stop! _Get away get away get away get away-_

* * *

“Okay, Bar, we’re not touching you. Nobody’s touching you, it’s okay. Everything is fine, it’s fine, it’s okay.” Joe moved a little bit closer. “I just want to help you. I just want to take that collar off of you, okay? I’m not going to do anything else. I just want to help, Barry, I promise all I’m going to do is take that collar off of you. Nothing else, I swear.”

“Please don’t,” Barry gasped out, digging at his cheeks with his fingernails and trying to focus on the pain that it caused. Anything, anything, anything was better than the present, he needed to focus and he needed to stay grounded and he needed-he needed- “Please, don’t, please, I’m sorry, I’ll do better, I’ll be good, I’ll do better, I’ll be a good little freak I promise I will-I promise-please!”

“Barry, it’s okay, it’s okay. You don’t have to be good, it’s okay, everything's fine, it’s okay, you’re safe. Look at me, son. Can you look at me? Can you do that?” Joe coaxed, moving even closer as Barry let out a small yelp of pain when a red light on the collar flashed. Shit, it must have been activated-someone was using it to shock him, but they didn’t know who.

Barry whimpered. “Please don’t, please don’t, please don’t, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll do better, I know I was a failure, please I’m so so sorry, please- _no!_ No no no no no no don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me _don’t touch me please_ I’m sorry-I-I-I-”

“I won’t touch you, I promise,” Joe said, reaching slowly into his pocket for his phone. “It’s okay, Barry, it’s okay. Everything is okay. You’re safe, I promise. I’m just going to get my phone. It’s okay, that’s all I’m doing. I just want to call Iris and Cisco. Is that okay? Is that alright? Do you want to talk to Cisco and Iris?”

“Leave them alone,” Barry sobbed, uncurling and looking at Joe with wide wet eyes. “Leave them alone, please, leave them alone, please leave my family alone, they didn’t do anything wrong, please, please, don’t hurt them. Don’t- _please_ you can’t, leave them alone, I-I-I can’t-you have to-please, Sir, please, Sir, please leave my family alone.”

“Barry, it’s me. It’s okay, Barry. I won’t hurt them, it’s okay. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. You’re safe, Bar.” Joe called Iris, exchanging a look with Singh. “I’m just calling Iris, it’s okay, everything’s okay. I know you’re scared, Bar, I know, and I want to help you. That’s all I want to do, I promise.”

 _“Hello?”_ Iris’s voice said (Joe had switched it to speakerphone), sounding confused. _“Dad?”_

“Iris, something happened,” Joe said without preamble, not looking away from Barry, who was whimpering again and reaching in the direction of Iris’s voice. “We don’t know what. But Barry ran all the way to the precinct-he’s hiding under my desk right now. There’s a _collar_ around his neck and I don’t know what happened or where Harry is. But he doesn’t recognize me, which means that you two need to get back here _now.”_

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone before Iris spoke. _“Okay. Okay. We’re on our way there right now. Can Barry hear me? Are we on speaker?”_

“Yeah,” Joe confirmed, moving a little bit closer to Barry as he yelped and grabbed for the collar again, fresh tears sliding down his cheeks. “Is Cisco there?”

 _“I’m here,”_ Cisco said, _“can we talk to him? We might be able to keep him calm until we manage to get there.”_

Joe moved the phone closer to Barry. “Hey, Barry, listen. It’s okay. Iris and Cisco are on the phone, it’s okay. They’re safe, see? They’re unhurt, they’re okay. It’s alright.”

 _“Hey, Barry, can you hear me?”_ Cisco’s voice asked. _“Can you hear me, Bar? You don’t have to say anything, it’s okay, it’s okay, we’re on our way, alright? I-holy shit, Iris-it’s okay, Barry, it’s okay, Iris just almost ran someone over. We’re coming, Bar, it’s alright.”_

Barry grabbed for the phone, snatching it out of Joe’s hand and holding it close to his chest. “‘Sco?”

 _“Yeah, Bar, it’s me. Iris is here too, we’re safe. Iris just can’t talk right now because she’s pretty laser-focused on breaking about a hundred different traffic laws.”_ Cisco paused. _“We’re almost there, Barry, just hold on for a little bit longer, okay? We’re almost there. It’s okay, you’re okay, Joe’s gonna keep you safe, alright?”_

Barry gripped the phone tighter. “I don’t-please, don’t leave,” he whispered. “I-I need-please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave.”

 _“Okay, Barry, I won’t,”_ Cisco promised. _“I won’t leave, okay? It’s okay. You’re safe, you’re safe, we’re on our way, we’re almost there. It’s okay, you’re okay, you’re okay, it’s alright.”_

Joe moved a little bit closer and Barry pushed himself even further underneath the desk, knees to his chest. His shirt was more burnt than Joe had originally thought, and it was still smouldering in patches. That was probably painful, and was definitely a fire hazard, but Joe didn’t want to try to get the shirt off of him and risk him running off or lashing out.

“I wanna-I wanna go home,” Barry sniffled. “I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I-I-I wanna go home now. Please. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. Please, please, please, I wanna go home now.”

* * *

_Fingers pressed down on Barry’s stomach, pushing against on his lower ribs. He forced himself to hold back a sob, entire body trembling in the frigid air. They had ordered him to stay silent, they had ordered him to stay still, and they had ordered him to be good, and he had to follow orders. They had even promised that he would get food if he was good enough. He wanted that, he wanted food._

_The gloved hands pulled away and something cold and wet was wiped across his stomach and lower ribs, making Barry shiver and almost open his eyes. Something small pressed down on either side of the edges of the space that had been wiped, one after another. “Is that a large enough area?”_

_“Hmm,” someone said, and Barry couldn’t stop himself from flinching as what felt like a thumb pushed down on one of the edges. “It’s actually a little too big, but the more tissue that we can sample, the better.”_

_Barry squirmed a little, unable to stop himself from letting out a small whimper of fear. The answering slap in the face made him bite down on his tongue to stop himself from crying out, the hand that had dealt it hitting against a livid bluish purple bruise that covered half of his face._

_“I thought we ordered you to be quiet, freak?” They sneered, and Barry didn’t bother answering as one of his eyelids was lifted up and a small bright light was shone into it. He tried to close the eye only for the gloved hand to be taken away and the light moved to shine into his other pupil, that eye forced open as well. “Pupils are equally responsive, it’s fully conscious.”_

* * *

“Okay, Barry, okay, I know you want to go home, I know, just listen to me, everything’s okay, it’s okay,” Joe said softly, moving even closer. “I just want to help you. It’s alright. I just want to help you.”

"No," Barry mumbled. "No, no, no, I want to go home, I want to go home, I wanna-please, I wanna go home. Let me go home. Please, please, p-please, I wanna-I wanna go home."

"Okay, Bar, okay, I know you want to go home," Joe said softly, before saying louder, "Cisco, how far away are you two?"

 _"Three minutes, tops,"_ Cisco promised. _"Two if Iris keeps driving like this. I can't tell if I'm scared or impressed. Is that okay, Barry? Can you hold on that long? We're almost there, we're almost there, we're only a few minutes away. It's okay, it's okay. You're okay. Just hold on, bud, it's gonna be alright."_

Barry let out a small keening sound and grabbed for the collar again, back arching as he dropped the phone in an attempt to pull the collar back off over his head. Joe risked reaching forwards again, setting a hand on Barry's shoulder while he rescued his phone. Barry pulled away from him, banging his head on the desk as he tried to get up and run off. Joe blocked him, making the speedster whimper and claw at the collar again.

"Cisco, the collar is still activating," Joe said as he moved a little bit to one side so that Singh could block another potential escape route. "He's still getting shocked. I don't know who's doing it."

 _"Is there a pattern to it?"_ Cisco asked nervously. _"Is it random, or is it the same amount of time between each shock?"_

"I don't know," Joe admitted. "I think it's regular."

_"Alright, okay, uh... We're almost there, Barry, we're almost there-is anybody else in the room?"_

"No," Joe said, shaking his head even though he knew that Cisco couldn't see it. "Singh had everyone leave. He's here, but that's all.”

 _“I can disable it as soon as I get there without hurting Barry,"_ Cisco said before pausing as a slightly more muffled voice spoke up on the other side of the line. _"Iris says we'll be there in about a minute. She also says that she's going to find whoever did this and break their nose, but I'm more than willing to help her do that."_

"Harry might be able to tell us," Joe decided, wincing as Barry suddenly yelped and grabbed for the collar. But this time the shock didn't seem to stop, and instead Barry started to scream as his back arched, tears streaming down his face as he attempted to get the collar off. Joe reached for him again and Barry jerked away, trying to run off and crashing right into Singh.

Barry cowered back, shielding himself with his arms like he was waiting to be hit even as the Joe heard the sound of footsteps running toward them.

"Delilah at the front knows me," Cisco panted as Iris skidded to a halt beside him. "Everyone's really confused out there. Only really let us in 'cause Iris said that Joe was still in there. They saw Barry speeding in, but…”

The two of them knelt down on the floor beside Joe, and Singh moved aside to give them a little bit more room.

"Barry?" Iris said softly. "Hey, Bar, hey, can you hear me? Can you focus on my voice?"

Barry blinked at her, eyes slowly focusing. "Ris?"

"Yeah, Bar, it's me, it's me and Cisco and Dad. It's okay, you're safe, I promise you're safe. It's alright. Do you know where you are?" She asked gently. “It’s okay if you don’t, it’s okay, I promise.”

"N-no," Barry mumbled, trembling. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, p-please, I'm sorry, I'm so-so-sorry-”

“Shh, Bar, it's okay. It's alright. I believe you, it's okay, you don't have to be sorry, it's alright,” Iris murmured as Cisco closed his eyes and slowly reached his hands out. When Barry flinched away, Iris hummed comfortingly and took his hand in hers. “It's okay, Bar, it's okay, it's just Cisco. He's gonna get that collar off of you, alright? That's all. Nothing bad is gonna happen. We just want to help.”

Barry whimpered. “Please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please I really am I won't do it again please I won't I _promise_ I won't-”

There was a small clicking sound from the collar around his neck and Barry automatically reached up. But this time when he tried to pull it away and off of his neck, the back of it split open and he was able to actually wriggle out of it. Immediately dropping the collar, Barry backed away from the group and tried to get even further underneath the desk than he already was. But he was already as far in as he could be, and ended up just pressing harder against the wall behind him.

Cisco wrapped his sleeves around his hands and reached for the collar on the floor, picking it up as gingerly as he could, disgust clearly written all over his face. “What should I do with this?”

“Fingerprints,” Singh answered, “whoever did this probably left them on the collar. Barry might have ruined most of them”-Barry whimpered and started chewing on his lower lip-“but hopefully some will still be intact."

"Hey, it's not your fault," Iris rushed to assure Barry as she carefully took his other hand in hers, making sure that they were held apart so that he wouldn't try to hurt himself. "You didn't mean to, it's okay. You're not in trouble, Barry, I promise you're not in trouble."

"'M sorry," Barry whispered. "I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, it was an accident, it was an accident, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, Sir, please don't-please, it's my fault Sir, please. Please don't punish them, Sir, please"

"It's alright, A-Barry," Singh sighed. "You're not in trouble. Nobody is going to be punished."

Barry hugged his legs to his chest, letting go of Iris's hands as he buried his face in his knees. "I-I-I wanna go home now. Please."

Joe winced as he saw the burn marks on Barry's neck from where the collar had been shocking him. "I know you want to go home, but we need to take you to STAR L-to STAR so that Caitlin can take a look at you. Is that okay? Are you up for that?"

“I w-want to go home," Barry sniffled. "I-please, I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I don't want any more tests, I wanna go home. I don't want to be punished, please, I-I'm sorry, I want to go _home.”_

“Alright, Bar, we'll go home as soon as Caitlin's done, okay?" Iris coaxed. "We'll go home right after that. It won't hurt, but that collar burnt your neck and we need to get that checked out. It won't hurt, I promise, we just need to get you checked out. Is that alright? Can you do that? Can you hang on for just a little bit longer for me?”

“Please, please, please," Barry begged, rocking back and forth a little bit as his hands drifted up toward his ears. "Please, I wanna-I wanna-home, please, please, I don't want to be here anymore.”

Cisco frowned a little as he set the collar down on the floor. "Hey, Bar, do you know where you are? Can you tell me where you are? It'd be really helpful if you could tell me where you are right now, okay?"

Barry looked around, eyes wide. “I-I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry-”

His words started to blur together, and Cisco leaned forward a bit on his knees. “It's okay, it's okay, you're okay,” he said, risking setting his hand on Barry's shoulder to get his attention. "You're safe, alright? What's wrong?”

“I don't know,” Barry sobbed, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks. “I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know where I am, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll do better, I'll be good, I promise I'll be good. I promise. I promise. I'll be good.”

“Okay, Barry, okay, it's alright, you're at the precinct,” Cisco said soothingly, “it's just me, you, Iris, Joe, and Singh, alright? That's all. I won’t lie to you, I swear. Me and Iris and Joe won’t lie to you.”

Iris reached out and gently stroked Barry's hair. "Okay, Bar, okay, we're gonna go home soon, alright? But we gotta go to STAR first. Do you wanna do that now, Barry?"

“I-I-yes, please, please, I wanna-please, please,” Barry whimpered. “No transfers, back to STAR, no transfers, no transfers, I don’t wanna-please, I don’t want to be transferred again, I don’t want to be transferred again, please. Please.”

“Okay, Barry, we won’t,” Cisco promised. “Can you come out from under the desk now, buddy?”

Barry whimpered and shook his head. “I don’t wanna come out. Please, I don’t-please.”

“We can’t go to STAR if you don’t come out from under there,” Iris pointed out, carding Barry’s hair back. “The sooner we can go to STAR, the sooner we can go home, okay? So you have to come out from under there. You’re doing so well already, Bar, but you need to come out from the desk.”

Barry sniffled and wriggled forward, watching Singh and Joe nervously out of the corner of his eye. When Joe reached out to help him forward Barry froze for a moment, shaking and making tiny distressed squeaking sounds, before Joe pulled his hand away. “Okay, Barry, I just want to help. I won’t touch you, it’s okay.”

The speedster whimpered and moved a little bit in the opposite direction of his foster father before suddenly throwing himself back the other way, wrapping his arms around Joe and clinging on tightly. He buried his face in the older man’s chest and whimpered. Joe sighed and rubbed Barry’s shoulder blade gently.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. We’re going to STAR, alright? Iris and Cisco are coming too, it’s okay. I’ll protect you, don’t worry,” he said softly. Barry made a small sound at the back of his throat and shook his head, making Joe frown. “We have to go to STAR, Bar. Caitlin needs to look at those burns on your neck and make sure that you’re going to be okay.”

Barry whined, burying his face deeper into Joe’s chest. “Please don’t, please don’t please I don’t wanna I don’t wanna _please_ Sir, please, I don’t want to, please, Joe, I don’t want to-”

Joe closed his eyes for a moment and held Barry closer. “It’s okay, son, it’s okay. Caitlin won’t hurt you. You know Caitlin, remember? You know her, she’s your friend, it’s okay. I promise she won’t hurt you, it’s okay. Cisco and Iris are coming too, alright? Does that make you feel a little better, Bar? We’re coming with you to make sure that everything’s okay.”

“I don’t want to be transferred,” Barry sobbed. “I don’t want-please, I don’t want to be transferred, I don’t want to be transferred, please, please, no transfers.”

* * *

_“Eiling won’t arrive for a few more days,” one of the guards said to another one, eyeing Barry. He shivered and forced himself to stay still, shrinking in on himself a little bit. The guard’s eyes suddenly lit up, and Barry felt like he was going to be sick as the guard sneered and stood up, leaning down in front of Barry as his friend raised an eyebrow in confusion from behind him._

_“What are you doing, Whitman?” The other man asked._

_“Want to play a game, freak?” The guard, Whitman, sneered instead of answering his companion. Barry whined in confusion. He didn’t know what they were talking about, but he doubted that it would mean anything good for him. Whitman’s lips curled into a cruel smile. “I’ll take that as a yes.”_

_He reached down and pulled his gun (one of them, a pistol) out of its holster and started taking bullets out of it before gesturing for his friend to do the same. Barry watched them, confused, knees hugged up to his chest. His breath caught in his throat as one of the guns was pressed into his hands._

_“It’s called Russian Roulette, meta,” Whitman said with a smirk. “I don’t suppose you’ve ever played it before?”_

* * *

 

“Okay, Barry, can you tell me why?” Joe asked softly. “Can you tell me why you don’t want to be, ah, transferred?”

“I-I don’t want to play any games,” Barry sniffled. “I don’t wanna I don’t wanna please I don’t-please don’t make me play any g-games, please, I’ll be good, please I promise I’ll be good I j-just don’t w-want to p-play any games…”

“Alright, Bar, no games,” Joe promised. “No games. We just want to help you, okay? We just want to help.”

Barry took a shaky deep breath, still trembling almost hard enough to vibrate. “Please. Please.”

“It’s okay, Barry, it’s okay. You’re safe, it’s okay. You’re alright now,” Joe soothed. Iris reached over and squeezed Barry’s hand gently, making him whimper and pull her closer to him. “You’re safe. STAR Labs is safe, remember? It’s safe, you’re gonna be okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. I promise, I’ll protect you.” Joe looked at Singh as Barry clung tighter. “Captain, do you think you could…?”

Singh nodded and stood up, heading for one of the doors (the one that he had directed everybody out of the minute that Barry came running in, sparking and _screaming)_ to disperse the crowd. Iris squeezed Barry’s hand even tighter, making him lean toward her and look up at Joe, eyes wide.

“Can-” he cut himself off and rocked a little in Joe’s arms, or at least tried to. “I need-I-I-”

Joe frowned, unsure of what Barry wanted him to do. “You gotta tell me first, Bar. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what you want.”

“I-” Barry stopped again and whimpered, folding up into himself. Cisco scooted around until he was on the other side of Joe, resting a hand lightly on Barry’s shoulder and rubbing it with his thumb. Continuing in a small voice, Barry whimpered, “I don’t want to be transferred.”

“It’s okay,” Joe sighed. “It’s alright, you’re safe. Just STAR. Just STAR. Just STAR, Bar, and then you can go home.”

Cisco leaned away from Barry for a moment. “I just texted Caitlin,” he whispered to Joe, “and she said that it might not be the best idea to bring Barry to STAR. She’s got the stuff we need to treat him, but Barry’s already so on edge that it’s probably just going to make him worse.”

“Then what are we supposed to do? We can’t take him home, it’s about to be crawling with cops once Singh tells them part of what’s going on,” Joe pointed out, holding Barry closer as the speedster started to make small whimpering sounds. “Shh, Bar, it’s okay, everything’s okay, you’re safe, shh.”

“We could…” Cisco thought for a moment before his eyes lit up. “We could go to my place! It’s not _too_ far from here, and Caitlin already knows where it is if I tell her that’s where we’re going. It’s not very big, but at least it’ll probably feel safer than STAR.”

Barry keened a little, and Joe stroked his hair. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” He frowned. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Where do you live?”

Joe realized with a start that while he knew Barry and Caitlin had been to Cisco’s apartment before, and Iris probably had been as well, he had never been there himself.

“Only, like…” Cisco thought for a moment. “Twenty blocks away? Closer than STAR Labs and closer than your place, that’s for sure.”

“Let’s go there,” Iris decided. “I’ll tell Caitlin.”

Barry started trembling even harder in Joe’s arms. “Please don’t hurt them,” he whispered. “Please don’t hurt them please, leave I-Iris and Ci-Cisco and Caitlin and Joe and Wally and Jesse, please, please, please don’t, they haven’t been bad like I have, please, leave them alone, please. You can’t-please don’t hurt them, they haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Nobody’s going to get hurt,” Joe promised. “You’re going to Cisco’s, okay? Is that okay? Can you do that, Bar? It’s going to be okay, I promise. You’ve been to Cisco’s, haven’t you? Remember Cisco’s place? That’s where we’re going. Caitlin’s meeting us there, everything is going to be okay.” He stood up slowly, letting Barry cling to his waist, the speedster still half-bowed over, face buried in Joe’s chest. “Come on, Barry, come on, it’s okay.”

Cisco slipped around behind Barry and hugged him from behind, whispering a warning before he did so so that Barry would know that it was him and not somebody who wanted to hurt him. “C’mon, Bar,” he coaxed, tugging him backwards a little bit. “It’s okay, we’re going somewhere safe. It’s gonna be alright.”

Iris put her phone back in her purse, which was slung over her chest and right shoulder. “Caitlin knows where we’re going.” She rested a hand on Barry’s shoulder and helped Cisco tug him away from her dad. “Barry, it’s okay. It’s just us-just me, you, Cisco, Dad, and pretty soon Caitlin. Is that okay? Are you okay with that?”

Barry sniffled and whispered in a tiny voice, “I wanna go home. I wanna go home and I wanna-I want to go home.” He whimpered and rubbed at his eyes, fingers drifting down towards his neck before Iris carefully took his hands. “I want my dad.”

Joe stiffened, Iris’s eyes widened, and Cisco winced. Gingerly, Iris brushed a strand of hair off of Barry's forehead. “Bar…? You don't-do you remember what happened to your dad?” She asked gently. “Do you remember that, Barry?”

He let out a small sob and nodded, dropping his gaze down to the floor. Cisco sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, rubbing his forehead with the hand that wasn't wrapped around Barry's waist. “Okay. Okay, that's good, Bar, that's good that you remember. You're being very good.”

Joe moved forward and tugged on Barry's arm. “Come on, son. Let's go. It's gonna be okay soon, alright? Everything is gonna be okay, I promise.”

Barry let himself be guided over to the door-the other door, not the one that everyone was standing outside of. Joe looked back and it and frowned. “I should go home soon,” he murmured to Iris and Cisco. “I want to find out what happened-who did this, what happened to Harry, how they managed to get into the house. But I don't want to leave him.”

Iris leaned away from Barry to kiss her father on the cheek. “You can come to Cisco's apartment with us, wait for Caitlin there and make sure everything's okay before leaving, if you want. But it might take too long…”

“I'll make sure you get there,” Joe decided. “I'll drive-I don't think Barry wants to let go of either of you right now. And besides, I think that poor car has suffered your driving enough for one night.”

“I actually think she's a great driver,” Cisco supplied, coaxing Barry around another desk with papers strewn everywhere from the speedster’s panicked entrance. “Nobody saw us speeding the entire time, we didn't hit anybody and we didn't get honked at once even though I think we broke about nine different road laws.”

Iris nodded. “I know all the back roads that nobody uses-I can get across town in half the time.”

Barry made a small squeaking sound and looked back and forth between Iris and Cisco like he couldn't tell if they were fighting or agreeing. Please, please don't fight, Eiling would be mad if they fought. He'd be mad and he'd hurt them and he'd yell and maybe he'd even kill them please they couldn't fight fighting was back talk and back talk wasn't allowed.

“Shh, Barry,” Iris hummed, squeezing his hand tightly. “It’s okay, it’s alright, it’s gonna be okay. I got you, alright? I got you. We’re going to keep you safe, I promise. Nobody is going to hurt you. We’re going to find out who did this, and once we do, they are _never_ going to lay a hand on you ever again. I’ll kill them myself if I have to.”

Cisco hugged Barry a little tighter from behind, making the other metahuman’s breath catch a little in surprise. “Nobody is going to hurt you again. Not while we’re around, okay? I promise, nobody is gonna touch you again.”

Barry looked at the floor. Lie. But… But… Cisco wouldn’t lie, he and Iris had promised not to lie and that meant that they couldn’t be lying. They _couldn’t_ be lying. Cisco promised that they wouldn’t lie. But deep, deep down, Barry knew that they were still looking for him.

They wanted their weapon back, they wanted their pet back, their toy, their asset, their test subject. They wanted their lab rat back.

And Barry knew that they weren’t going to stop until they got him.


	14. Never Knew Daylight Could be so Violent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No new warnings, but there's dehumanization and non-graphic self-harm in this chapter.
> 
> Also, a bit of bonus pain: Barry's 27, not 26. His birthday passed while he was captive. Have fun with that.

Barry tried to stand up, reaching for the car door as Iris pulled him back down. “Barry, you can’t do that, remember? You can’t leave the car until we get to Cisco’s. I know you don’t like it, Bar, but you can’t leave the car."

Barry whimpered. Please, it felt like a transfer, he wanted  _ out,  _ please, he didn’t-please let him out. Please let him out he needed to get out  _ now,  _ please,  _ please  _ let him out. He’d do whatever they wanted but please don’t transfer him. They always had to break in their new toys and Eiling usually wasn’t around for a while, which meant that the guards had free reign to do whatever they wanted to him.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay,” Cisco murmured encouragingly. “We’re going to my apartment, you’ve been there before, remember? It’s okay. It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay. I promise, everything is going to be okay. We’re going to protect you.”

“Don’t,” Barry gasped out, trying to practically bury himself in Iris’s side. “Please, they’ll hurt you, please, they’ll hurt you and they’ll test you and they’ll play games with you. Please don’t, please don’t, please don’t. You don’t have to-please, they won’t like it, they won’t like it. They’ll say that you’ve been bad and then they’ll hurt you and-and-and-”

“You’re getting worked up,” Iris interrupted in a gentle voice. “It’s okay. You’re okay, alright Bar? You’re gonna be okay. Nobody is going to hurt you.  _ Nobody.  _ I promise.”

“Cisco, is this it?” Joe asked from the driver’s seat, peering up through the windshield at an apartment building.

“Yeah,” Cisco confirmed, shifting a little to point to the right. “There’s a parking lot over there, my number is 73.” Barry started squeaking, vibrating as he reached for the door again. “No, Barry, don’t do that. You’re going to get hurt.” Barry cringed back, and Cisco realized what he had said with a wince. “I-listen, I’m not going to hurt you. Nobody is going to hurt you, we just want you to be safe. You’re not going to be punished, I swear.”

“I don’t want to I don’t want to I don’t want to,” Barry keened. “I’ll be good, I’ll be good, I swear, please-”

“Barry, you’re not going to get hurt,” Iris said evenly. “Cisco promised not to lie to you and I won’t either. If we ever hurt you, for  _ any  _ reason, it’s only because we want to help you. It will  _ always  _ be to fix something, okay? I promise.”

“But-” Barry whimpered. “Tests, and punishments, and-and-”

“Never,” Iris promised. “Never again, Bar, that stuff is never going to happen again.”

As soon as Joe pulled into the parking spot with Cisco’s number on it, Cisco opened the car and jumped out, not even bothering to let the car come to a stop. He had to be ready just in case Barry tried to-almost before he had finished thinking it, the other metahuman made a break for it, throwing himself out of the car at superspeed and trying to run past Cisco on a beeline toward… A wall.

He grabbed him around the waist before he could hit it, managing to snag Barry before he could make contact with the cement wall. “Whoa, buddy, it’s okay. You’re gonna hurt yourself, it’s okay. Slow down.”

Barry sniffled and squirmed for a moment before Iris took his hand in hers, her other one squeezing Cisco’s upper arm. “Come on, Bar,” she said, tugging him in the direction of the door. “Let’s go, okay? We’re going somewhere safe, somewhere people can’t hurt you, alright? It’s okay, Barry, it’s okay, c’mon. Everything is going to be just fine.”

Cisco and Iris kept Barry sandwiched in between them as they maneuvered toward the door, Joe walking behind them so he could stop Barry if the speedster tried to run off again. Cisco unlocked the door, pausing on the threshold and looking toward the stairs and then glancing at the elevator. He chewed on his lower lip. The elevator would be faster, which was good, since they needed to get Barry into a safe situation, but… It was also a tiny cramped box that could only fit two people at a time.

The stairs would take a lot longer and would be more tiring (no way in hell were they letting Barry use his speed to climb them) but they were much wider, and at least if you looked up you could see when you needed to get off of them. But it was pretty clear that the longer he was on his feet and in this supposedly unsafe place, the more panicky he would get. Cisco took a deep breath. Looks like they were taking their chances with the elevator and hoping for the best.

He pressed the button on the side and leaned back. “Since it can only fit two people, do you want to head up with Barry?” He asked, looking at Iris. When she nodded, Cisco glanced at Joe out of the corner of his eye. “So we’ll go after them.”

Barry squeaked, looking back and forth between Cisco and Iris with wide frightened eyes. “I don’t want to-they’ll  _ hurt  _ you! I can’t-if I leave then they’ll-they’ll-”

“Hey, hey, it’s just my dad,” Iris soothed. “It’s just my dad, Barry, alright? That’s all. You know that, I know you know that, okay? It’s just my dad, Bar.”

The elevator  _ dinged  _ and opened, and Iris tugged Barry into it. Cisco tossed her the keys, which she caught neatly with one hand (a skill that Cisco constantly struggled with). As the doors started to close, Barry’s eyes went wide and he let out a tiny scream, lunging for the doors and smacking his hands into them as soon as they closed. Iris tugged him back.

“No, Barry. No. Don’t do that, you’re going to panic even more. Just look at me, okay? Look at me and take deep breaths with me. Focus on my voice, Bar, just focus on my voice. It’s gonna be okay. Everything is going to be fine,” she said, humming softly and pulling Barry into a hug as he practically burrowed into her. “Everything is going to be just fine, Bar, I promise. I said I wouldn’t lie to you and I meant it, nobody is going to hurt you.”

Barry tucked his face into the crook of her neck. “They’re gonna hurt you,” he mumbled. “They’re gonna hurt you and they’re gonna hurt Cisco ‘n they’re gonna  _ kill you  _ and I can’t-I can’t-”

“Nobody is going to kill me,” Iris told him gently but firmly. “Nobody is going to kill me and nobody is going to kill Cisco and if anybody tries to hurt you or Cisco, I’ll kill them. I won’t let you get hurt again, okay? Never again, Bar.”

Barry whined. “They said-they said-I don’t want you to get hurt and they said that you  _ would _ they said that they would do  _ bad things  _ and-and-”

“Nobody is going to do bad things,” Iris vowed. “Never. Nobody is going to hurt you, or Cisco, or me, or Wally, or my dad-” She realized that she could have gone on all night and wrapped it up. “Barry, nobody is going to hurt you are anybody else. We’re going to catch Ei-we’re going to catch the people who did this to you, and they’re never going to hurt anybody ever again.”

“Lying,” Barry whispered. “They  _ said  _ they would and they-your voice-I could-”

“No, Barry, they’re the ones who lied to you.” Iris brushed his hair out of his face as the slow, rickety elevator finally came to a stop. “I won’t lie to you, Bar. And look, you made it!” She let him spring to freedom as the elevator doors opened, following behind him at a slower pace as Barry looked back and forth down the hallway. Iris waved the key at him. “C’mon.”

She opened the door, the loud sound of the hinges squealing (Cisco had fixed them more times than he could count, and was growing more and more convinced that it was actually the work of a metahuman since there was simply no way that they could still be broken) causing Barry to flinch back and reach up to cover his ears. Iris tugged on his elbow and pulled him inside, closing the door partway behind her.

* * *

Cisco leaned against the elevator wall, rubbing his forehead with his hands. Failing miserably at being subtle, he tried to look over at Joe through the cracks in his fingers. “This sucks,” he grumbled. “This really, really,  _ really  _ sucks.” He looked at Joe, who was watching him with narrowed eyes. “What?”

“You care about Iris a lot, don’t you?” Joe said, voice even. Cisco wondered if this was his version of the shovel talk that he had hoped to avoid. Joe read his face and shook his head. “I’m not worried about you hurting her, she can take care of herself.”  _ I learned that the hard way.  _ “But I’m worried about what she’s going to do once we find the bastards who did this.”

“I’m not going to stop her from killing them, Joe,” Cisco said dryly. “I’m going to  _ help.” _

“Cisco, do you really think that people who held a man captive for half a year and tortured him to the brink of insanity are going to care if they kill an innocent girl?” Joe crossed his arms. “I don’t care what happens to them once we find whatever hole they’re hiding in, and they deserve to rot in hell for what they’ve done, but once we find them there’s no way that they’re not coming after us. They took Barry from his own bedroom not once but  _ twice.  _ They know his identity and they know who we are.”

Cisco swallowed thickly. “I’ll do my best to protect her, if that’s what you’re asking, but she’s not a damsel in distress. She’s more likely to shoot a dragon in the face than let herself be carried off by it, y’know?”

Joe snorted. “Believe me, I know-don’t think I haven’t noticed that she carries around one of your custom-made toys pretty much everywhere she goes.”

“The bracelet?” Cisco brightened. “Do you like it? Caitlin used to have one, but she’s pretty much all set in the defense department now that she has powers. It’s got a tracker in it and everything-Caitlin and I both have one of those, though-and-”

“Cisco,” Joe interrupted. “I know. That’s not the point. The point is that she can handle herself against, say, a mugger or a thief, maybe even a metahuman, but  _ not  _ against someone like Eiling. She’s strong, but Eiling has weapons and the backing of the United States government.”

“We can take him.” Cisco crossed his arms and almost took a step closer to Joe before realizing that there was literally no room to do so and if he tried he would end up on top of him. “We beat him before, er, kind of”-not really-“we can do it again. I  _ won’t  _ let them hurt anybody ever again-especially not Barry and Iris. I lo-I won’t let them get hurt again.”

Joe narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but the elevator lurched to a stop and the doors opened before he could. Thankfully, Iris had left the door open a little, which mean that he wouldn’t have to use his powers to vibrate the door open or knock until they opened it, which might have scared Barry.

Iris and Barry were sitting on the couch in the middle of Cisco’s messy-ahem,  _ chaotically organized  _ apartment, Barry with his knees drawn up to his chest and his head tucked down in between his knees like it usually was. Iris was next to him, rubbing his shoulder with her thumb and humming, reassuring him at a whisper that Caitlin was coming, Caitlin was coming and soon it would all be okay.

As Cisco watched, Barry reached up to touch one of the blisters that had formed on his neck. Whimpering quietly, he tried to dig his fingers into it, squeaking when Iris carefully pulled his hand away. “No, Barry, you’re going to make it worse. Don’t do that.”

“Itches,” he sniffled. “Itches and it  _ hurts.” _

“I know it does, Bar, I know, but if you scratch it then you’re going to make it worse, okay? I know you want to but you can’t, alright?” Iris took Barry’s hands and pulled them down so that they were in front of his knees, still held gently in hers. “Caitlin’s going to be here soon, don’t worry, she’s going to make it so your neck doesn’t hurt anymore. She’s going to make it all better.”

Cisco hesitated before taking a step forward, hands down by his sides with the palms facing up to show Barry he wasn’t going to hurt him. “Hey, Barry. What’s going on, bud?”

“Don’t wanna,” Barry said almost inaudibly, even for Cisco’s enhanced hearing. “Don’t want Caitlin to-don’t want her to-she’s gonna touch my  _ neck  _ and I  _ don’t want her to-” _

“Hey, hey, Barry, look at me,” Iris said softly, tugging on his hands until he looked in her direction. “Caitlin  _ has  _ to touch your neck if she’s gonna make you feel better. I know you don’t like it, Bar, I know and I’m very sorry, but she has to touch your neck if she’s going to make it all better.”

“Don’t  _ want _ her too,” Barry wailed. “She’s gonna-she’s gonna make it hurt more and she’s gonna tie me down and she’s gonna do  _ bad things  _ and she’s-she’s-she’s-” He broke off into sobs, and Cisco moved closer. “Don’t want her to, don’t want her to, don’t want her to…”

“Hey, Barry,” Cisco said gently, drawing the speedster’s attention to him. “Would it make you feel better if we asked you before we did anything? If Caitlin asked every time she had to touch your neck? Would that make it feel a little better?”

Barry nodded, eyes as wide as they could go. “But-won’t listen,” he whimpered, “won’t listen when I saw to get away get away get away stop touching me get away I don’t want to it hurts please I need to breathe I need to breathe please please please-”

“Barry, you’re getting worked up,” Iris said gently as Cisco reached out and pet his hair, carding it back off of his forehead. “It’s going to be okay. Caitlin isn’t going to hurt you, she will  _ never  _ hurt you. She’s your friend, Bar, remember? One of your best friends. She won’t hurt you. Do you remember all of the times that she helped you, Barry? It’s going to be just like that.”

“Hurt sometimes,” Barry sniffled. “Hurt a  _ lot  _ sometimes. Hurt so bad.”

“I know, Barry, I know it did, but you’re gonna be just fine,” Cisco soothed. “I know it hurt sometimes, but in the end you felt a lot better because of what Caitlin did, right? Didn’t it make you feel better even if it hurt at first? It’s going to be just like that, where it might sting a tiny bit but then it’ll be fine. You’re so brave, Bar, you’re doing so well.”

Someone knocked on the door, and Joe opened it as Barry curled up tighter on himself. Caitlin hesitated for a moment just outside the doorway with her eyebrows raised (Cisco missed the look that she was giving the back of his head as he gently stroked the bridge of Barry’s nose (with permission, of course)) before walking in, shaking her head as she looked around. 

“Nice to see that some things don’t change,” she remarked dryly, causing Cisco to glare at her. She walked over to Barry, nudging Cisco lightly with her elbow to move him out of the way. “Hey, Barry, can you lift your head up for me? So that I can take a look at your neck? I know you’re scared, but I need to see it if I’m going to make it feel better.”

Barry’s head snapped up and back, throat arched upwards and giving Caitlin an excellent view of the already-forming blisters that were rising on his skin. She winced and reached into her back, pulling out a small circular white container and unscrewing the top.

“This is going to sting for a second,” she warned him before snapping on a set of gloves and scooping some of the ointment out with her fingers. “Can I touch your neck, Barry? Is that okay? I need to in order to make it better, but if you don’t want me to I don’t want to scare you.”

He sniffled and looked at Iris, who nodded encouragingly and gave his hands a squeeze. “It’s okay, Barry. You’re gonna be fine. It won’t hurt for very long, and it’ll only take a minute, alright?”

His eyes were wide as he took a shaky breath, nodding slowly and gripping Iris’s hands until his knuckles turned white. “Please, I-fast. Please. Fast.”

“I’ll be as quick as I can,” Caitlin promised, leaning forward. “And if you want to take a little break, we can. Not for too long, since I have to get this ointment on here, but just for a little bit. Tiny breaks.”

Barry knew for a fact that Caitlin was lying, of course she was lying, even though she was his friend and she had helped him before she was still going to touch his neck when he  _ didn’t want her to _ and she was going to  _ make it worse  _ and it was going to hurt so  _ bad  _ and he didn’t want to-he didn’t want to-please don’t don’t touch his neck don’t touch his neck  _ don’t touch it- _

“Barry, look at me. Look at me, Bar,” Iris said softly, tugging on his hands until he looked at her. “It’s gonna be okay, it’s going to be just fine. The sooner you calm down the sooner Caitlin can finish and stop touching your neck, alright?”

“Don’t want to,” he sniffled.

“I know you don’t, Bar, I know. But it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be just fine.” Cisco rubbed Barry’s arm, trying to draw his attention onto him and away from where Caitlin was slowly reaching for his neck. “You’re going to be just fine, I promise.”

Barry stiffened with a tiny wailing sound as Caitlin’s fingers touched his neck, spreading the ointment around. Cisco purred in an attempt to distract him from the stinging cream, vibrating his thumb a little as he rubbed it in small circles against Barry’s shoulder.

“Shh, you’re okay, it’s okay, everything is going to be okay. Caitlin’s almost done already, see?” He said encouragingly. “She’s almost done.” The blisters were big, but at least there weren’t very many of them. 

Caitlin nodded even though Barry couldn’t see it, pulling her hands away and reaching back into her bag. She pulled out a roll of bandages, making Barry shiver and pull up into himself when he saw them out of the corner of his eye. He tried to lean away, rocking forward and almost falling on top of Iris before she caught him and gently pushed him back down.

“Don’t,” he mumbled. “Don’t, don’t, don’t, I don’t-I don’t want those around my neck, not around my neck, I don’t-I can’t-I can’t-”

“It’s okay,” Iris promised. “You’re going to be just fine, you can do it, I know you can, it’s okay. Just take deep breaths. After this we’ll put something on, we’ll put on a movie or something, it’s okay, it’s okay. Would you like that? If we watched a movie or listened to some music together? Do you think that would be a good distraction?”

Barry shook his head fast, trailing sparks as he reached for his neck again. “No, no, no, don’t want it, don’t want it, I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I don’t wanna-I don’t want to-I can’t-”

“You can. I promise you can do it,” Iris coaxed. “I know it feels like you can’t do it but you can, I promise, it’s alright. Everything is going to be fine. It’s okay.”

Caitlin made the first loop of bandage, as loose as it could be but still tight enough to cover the blisters. Barry let out a tiny choked gasp, tears spilling down his face and dripping off of his chin. He reached up to grab the bandage, eyes wide and panicked, chest heaving as he started to hyperventilate. “Don’t don’t don’t don’t-”

Cisco carefully took his wrists in his hands, running a thumb lightly over Barry’s arm in circles. He sent tiny vibrations into it, trying to keep Barry distracted and focused on him instead of on what Caitlin was doing to his neck. Barry stared down at Cisco’s hand for a moment and then looked back up, clearly confused by the strange sensation of having vibrations pushed directly into his skin.

Caitlin made another loop and then cut the bandage, making Barry freeze and let out a tiny sound that was almost reminiscent of a tea kettle whistling. Iris kissed the back of his hand, right where the missing finger was. “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s just Caitlin. She’s your friend. She won’t hurt you. Remember all of the times Caitlin has helped you, Bar?”

Barry whined a little and Caitlin smoothed the bandage down before stepping away. “I’m done, Barry. I’m done. It’s okay. See, that wasn’t so bad. You did it, you made it, I’m done.”

Almost immediately, Barry started trying to tug on the bandages, pulling away from Cisco and Iris and arching his back as his fingers scrabbled for the dressing. Iris grabbed his hand again as Joe came up behind Barry, reaching out like he was going to hug him from behind before stopping. “Barry, is it okay if I touch you? Is touching okay right now?”

Barry sniffled. “Don’t-not-sorry, sorry, no surgeons, no doctors, I don’t want to-just-just-I don’t want to be-”

“Okay, Bar,” Joe said evenly, keeping his voice down. “That’s okay. We won’t touch you, it’s okay. But if you keep trying to mess with the bandages then I might have to, alright? I’m sorry. We won’t touch you unless we have to, but we might have to if you keep hurting yourself, Barry.”

“I understand, Sir, I understand,” Barry sobbed, curling in on himself and digging his fingers into the couch cushions. “I understand. I’ll be better, I promise. I’ll be so much better, I’m a well-trained freak, I promise, I’m a good freak!”

“No, Bar, no, you don’t have to-you’re not an  _ animal,”  _ Cisco told him, face twisting in disgust. He swallowed down bile. “You’re a person, I know they told you that you weren’t, but you  _ are.  _ I promise. Remember how I said I wouldn’t lie? Well, I’m not lying about this.”

“Then why-collar, collar, you  _ said no more collar-”  _ Barry’s chest was heaving, breathing frantic as he tried to yank on the bandages around his neck.  _ “You said no more collar!” _

“It’s just cloth,” Iris said softly, reaching out for Barry’s hand again. She wasn’t going to let go this time. “It’s just cloth. I promise, it’s just cloth, nothing else. Don’t worry. It’s just to help you feel better, it’s to help the burns on your neck heal. It’s okay. Everything is going to be just fine, Bar.”

Lying. Lying. Lying. She said she wouldn’t lie but she’s lying anyways and no, no, no, don’t lie, don’t lie, tell him how much of a freak he is, tell him what they’re going to do so that it hurts less when it happens, please, please, please-Barry whimpered and tried to pull his hands out of Iris’s to no avail. “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want the leash, please, please, no leash, no leash, I’ll be good-”

“No leash,” Joe said firmly, looking at Iris and Caitlin over Barry’s head (Cisco’s back was to him) to see his horror mirrored on their faces. “No leash, Barry, never again. I promise I won’t let that happen to you ag-”

Joe’s phone rang loudly, making Cisco wince and reach up like he was going to cover his ears. “Too loud, Joe.”

“Sorry,” he apologized, pulling out his phone and holding it up to his ear. “Captain?”

_ “West, I know there are some things going on at STAR Labs that you can’t tell me about, and although I don’t like it, I trust your judgement. But care to tell me why Officer Hernandez just pulled  _ Harrison Wells  _ out of your bushes?” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next-apologies! Guilt! And most of all, gutwrenching pain!


	15. Howling Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we _finally_ have an update! Sorry it took so long for such a weirdly paced chapter, but after this I should be updating regularly again. (Also sorry, fans of super-angst: this chapter is mostly just fluff.)
> 
> Not very many warnings for this chapter, but at the beginning there's some talk of suicidal tendencies/idealization.

Caitlin pinched the bridge of her nose with her latex gloved fingers, trying not to start yelling. Joe had driven her back to STAR Labs before heading home and grabbing Harry from whatever ludicrous situation that he had gotten himself into this time, and now he was back with Wells in tow. “What happened?”

Harry shook his head. “How the hell am I supposed to know, Snow? I was watching Allen like  _ you asked me to,  _ I go outside for a breath of fresh air, and the next thing I know someone hits me in the head and I wake up with a confused policeman standing over me. Clearly you have a better idea of what happened than I do.”

“You must remember  _ something  _ about the person who attacked you,” Caitlin insisted. “They tried to take Barry, which means that it was one of Eiling’s goons. You’re  _ sure  _ that you didn’t see them?”

“No, they came up behind me,” Harry sighed. “Is Allen okay?”

“He’s… Alive,” Joe said at last. “Terrified and in a constant state of panic, but alive. They didn’t manage to do anything other than scare him and shock him with the collar that they got on him.”

Caitlin took a step forward and reached for Harry’s forehead, where a large purple bruise as forming. Caitlin realized that that must’ve been where they had hit him. “Let me see your head. You might have a concussion.”

“I’m fine, Snow,” Harry snapped, stepping away from her and glaring. “I don’t need your help.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine, be that way, but if you start feeling dizzy or something else that might mean a concussion then  _ tell me.” _

Joe stepped in between them, pulling out a notepad. “Harry, technically you’re a witness, so I need to take a statement from you-although we can’t let people know that you’re alive, anything you remember about the person who attacked you and Barry would be helpful.”

As Harry described what had happened and answered Joe’s clarifying questions, Caitlin wandered over to one of her computers (Cisco had been downright  _ appalled  _ when he found out that she was still using the company ones) and added onto one of the newer digital files that were technically a part of Barry’s medical data. They had practically everything on Barry’s recovery-and relapses-and this definitely needed to go in there.

Saving her newly added data, Caitlin frowned. She could’ve sworn that there had been more files last time… Must’ve been a glitch. The files were backed up to Cisco’s wide array of tablets and computers, so they still have them even if they had been deleted, but… Eh. She’d ask Cisco to check it out later, just to make sure it wasn’t a bug.

That, conveniently, was when her phone rang,  _ The Imperial March  _ signifying that Cisco was the one calling her. Or Iris, from Cisco’s phone. She answered it, holding it up to her ear and shaking her head a little as she saw that Harry was getting more and more frustrated from Joe’s questions. “Hello? Cisco? Iris?”

_ “It’s Cisco,”  _ the voice on the other line said, and Caitlin heard footsteps and a small sigh.  _ “Sorry for calling, I’m just-I’m really worried. Did you find out anything about the person who tried to take Barry?” _

“Not yet,” Caitlin admitted. “All we know is that they knocked Harry out and left him in the bushes, where Officer Hernandez found them. Apparently he gave nem a scare-most cops aren’t used to finding dead men walking. Or dead men unconscious in some plants, as the case may be.”

_ “Barry doesn’t remember anything either,”  _ Cisco said, and Caitlin knew him well enough to know that he was rubbing his forehead and brushing his hair out of his face.  _ “I don’t-Cait, I’m scared. He’s really not doing well, and if they try to take him again I’m worried they’ll either succeed or he’ll…”  _ Cisco trailed off with a small huff.  _ “Iris is worried too. She’s trying not to show it so that she doesn’t scare Barry, but she is.” _

“Me too,” Caitlin replied softly. She looked at Harry, who was waving his arms around in front of a distinctly unimpressed Joe. “We’re going to figure this out, Cisco. I promise.”

_ “What if we don’t?” _ Cisco’s voice was thick, and Caitlin realized that he was probably crying.  _ “What if we don’t figure this out, Caitlin? I-dios mío, I can’t lose someone else, not someone else I-” _

“Deep breaths,” Caitlin advised. “Take deep breaths, Cisco, you’re going to have an anxiety attack.”

_ “I’m just scared. Barry’s… Not doing great,”  _ Cisco said quietly on the other line.

Caitlin sat up a little straighter and walked out of the room so she wouldn’t interrupt whatever it was that Joe and Harry were doing now, which seemed to involve a lot of yelling on Joe’s part at a distinctly cowed Harry. “How bad is he? As bad as when I left? Better or worse than that?”

_ “Worse. He keeps scratching the bandages on his neck, and-Cait, he said he wanted it to stop. He said he wanted it all to be over. I-what if he-”  _ Cisco was stuttering and picking up speed again, so Caitlin tried to shush him over the phone. He ignored her, however, getting louder and more frantic.  _ “I know he tried, I don’t know if he knows that we know, but what if he tries again? What if things get really bad? He already hurts himself when he’s confused or scared-!” _

“Cisco, calm down,” Caitlin said firmly, and she heard her best friend take deep breaths on the other side. “It’s going to be alright. I’ll be back there soon, I promise. How worried are you? Do you think you can move him to your bedroom, play something there, a movie or music or something, to keep him distracted? If he only needs one of you right now then you can get rid of anything you think he’d use. It’s going to be okay. Deep breaths.”

_ “Okay thanks Caitlin talk to you later Iris says hi bye,”  _ Cisco said fast before hanging up.

Caitlin sighed. This wasn’t good. She didn’t want to move Barry back to STAR Labs for overnight monitoring, especially considering what he’d just been through, but… If it was the only way to help him, she might have to. Maybe they could set up a spare workroom for him, put a bed in there. But that would mean moving Cisco and Iris too.

Caitlin would run the idea past the others as soon as Harry and Joe were done doing… Whatever it was that they were doing in the other room. Joe had probably given up on trying to get a witness statement from Harry at this point, considering how much shouting had been going on when she left the room.

* * *

Barry pulled his knees tighter against his chest, tucking his head down in between them. Iris pet his hair. “It’s okay, Bar. Cisco just left for a second to talk to Caitlin about something. He’ll be back soon, okay? Don’t worry.” She knew Cisco was scared-hell, she was too. Terrified. For Barry, of course, but also for Cisco and Wally and Caitlin and Jesse. If those monsters had tried to take Barry again, would they go after the other metahumans too? She couldn’t lose someone else, especially not-“It’s okay, Barry.”

“Not okay,” he insisted, lifting his head up. His eyes were glassy with tears. “Not okay at  _ all,  _ they took Cisco, they took Cisco, they took Cisco, it must’ve been them, you didn’t-why-you-” His chest heaved and he tried to stand up, reaching for the bandages again. Iris grabbed his hands and yanked them down again gently but firmly. “They took Cisco away!”

“No,” Iris said. “It’s fine. Nobody took Cisco away. I’d never let anybody take Cisco away, just like you wouldn’t, alright? It’s fine. Everything is fine. See, Cisco’s coming back right now.”

Cisco was, in fact, coming back, sliding his phone into his pocket. Barry looked at him and frowned a little, eyebrows furrowing like he was truly taking in Cisco’s appearance for the first time. His mouth formed a little ‘O’ shape as he tilted his head. “You look… Nice.”

Cisco raised an eyebrow, trying to hide his relief at how normal Barry had sounded when he said that but unable to mask his confusion. “You saw me before we left, Bar. I was wearing the same thing. And why so surprised? You knew we were going on a date when we left.”

Barry blushed pink and looked down at his hands. “Oh. S-sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Cisco said with a small shrug, sitting down on the couch beside Iris and leaning against her almost unconsciously. “It’s not like it’s a suit or anything.”

Barry made a soft squeaking sound and Iris stroked the back of his hand. “Are you hungry, Bar?”

He swallowed nervously and nodded, still looking down. Barry chewed on his lower lip, tasting blood. “‘M-I really-I want to eat. I know I ate before but I want to eat.”

“It’s okay, Barry,” Iris promised, trying to hide the pain in her voice at the fact that he thought  _ she  _ would ever starve him. Ever tell him that he couldn’t eat something. “You’re always allowed to eat, remember?”

He dipped his head down. “But-”

“No buts,” Iris said firmly but still gently. “No matter what, you’re always allowed to eat, okay? I promise. Always.”

Cisco leaned over to squeeze Barry’s shoulder before heading for the kitchen. “I’ve got some calorie bars you can eat, okay buddy? I know you don’t like them, but you have to eat something with a lot of calories right now. Does that sound good?”

Barry nodded almost imperceptibly and watched Cisco leave, staying perfectly still until he came back with one of the bars. Cisco unwrapped it and held it out, watching Barry gaze at it longingly. Iris held Barry’s hand. “You can eat it, Bar. I promise. It’s going to help you feel better, and we want you to feel better, so we want you to eat it. Does that make sense?”

“A-a little,” Barry mumbled, taking the bar from Cisco and wolfing it down, licking his fingers to catch every last crumb. Iris winced. He must have been starving-running from whoever had tried to take him must have burnt up a lot of energy, and he was going to need that energy back to help the burns on his neck heal. As soon as he was finished, Barry looked down at his hands and chewed his lower lip.

Cisco looked at him. “Barry? What’s wrong? Are you still hungry?”

“‘M sorry,” Barry whispered, looking up at them with teary eyes. “I didn’t-I didn’t mean to-to interrupt your date, ‘m sorry, I really am.”

“Oh, Barry,” Iris sighed, wrapping him up in a huge hug. He squeaked a little in surprise. “It’s okay. We have plenty of time for other dates, don’t worry. It’s fine. Your safety is more important than a date, okay? I know you’d do the same thing if it was someone that you cared about that got hurt while  _ you  _ were on a date, right?”

Barry hesitated for a split second before nodding. “Right.”

“Exactly. Cisco and I can go on plenty of other dates.” She sent Cisco a wide smile, and he sent a slightly smaller (and twice as surprised) one back. “Don’t worry about it.”

Barry nodded again, closing his eyes and pressing up against Iris. She stroked his hair soothingly, smiling sadly down at him as he made a small, rather weak purring sound. Something in Cisco’s stomach curled up as he stood, gesturing toward his bedroom. “Do you guys want to go in there? We can watch a movie or something. It might calm you down, Barry.”

Barry nodded against Iris’s chest, and she slowly stood up while helping him to his feet. Cisco smiled widely, although it was mostly forced, and let them to his bedroom. Iris got Barry settled on the bed while Cisco grabbed his computer.

“What do you want to watch?” He asked, sitting down on the side of the bed and trying to stop the butterflies in his stomach at the sight of Barry curled up on his bed underneath the blankets, Iris’s arms holding him protectively close. “I’ve got pretty much everything on here. I’m just that good.” The attempt at humor fell flat. “Star Wars? Wrath of Khan?”

Iris shook her head. “Nothing with death,” she said softly. “And  _ nothing  _ with torture, either. Do you really want him to finally calm down just to have a panic attack again?”

Cisco winced. “Good point.” He thought for a moment before snapping his fingers. “Kiki’s Delivery Service! No torture, just a cute cat and a witch!”

Iris kissed Barry’s temple. “How does that sound, Bar? You like that movie. Do you wanna watch it?”

He nodded slowly, nibbling on the inside of his cheek as Cisco settled into the bed next to him. There wasn’t really any room for three people, however, so Barry ended up crushed in between the two of them-something that the speedster clearly didn’t mind, using the opportunity to snuggle up against Iris, yawning into her neck while she awkwardly pressed her lips to the top of his head.

As Cisco started the movie, Barry’s hand reached out and slipped into his own, warm fingers holding on tightly as Iris held onto Barry’s other hand, rubbing her thumb back and forth across the back of it while being careful to avoid the knot of soft scar tissue where his finger was missing.

Partway through the movie, around when Kiki meets Ursula for the first time, Barry’s breathing evened out as he fell asleep with his head against Cisco’s shoulder. Pausing the movie and closing his computer, Cisco carefully shifted positions, moving to stand up and leave the room.

Iris frowned at him. “Where are you going?”

He looked over his shoulder at her, clearly confused. “I’m going to sleep on the couch so you two can have the bed. I mean, there’s still not a ton of room, but there’s more than if I stayed…”

Iris shook her head. “No way. You’re staying here. It’s your house-I’m not going to kick you off of your bed. Besides, I sat on your couch, and it’s like sitting on rocks. There’s no way you’re going to be able to sleep on that.”

Cisco shrugged. “Yeah, but I don’t want you guys to be cramped in here.”

“Francisco Ramon,” Iris began, the lightness in her tone not hiding the fact that she wasn’t kidding about sharing the bed, “I refuse to let you sleep on that hard-ass couch.”

He arched an eyebrow before sighing. “Fine, but it’s your loss.” He didn’t bother saying anything about Barry. They both knew that the close proximity didn’t bother him in the slightest; it actually made him feel better. Safer. More protected. “Can you try to scoot Barry over so there’s enough room? I don’t want to wake him up.”

Cisco wriggled out of his shirt while Iris carefully pulled Barry closer to her as she pressed tighter against the wall. Usually he’d just pass out in the clothes he was already wearing, but he’d dressed up more than usual for his date with Iris (he had  _ really  _ appreciated the dress that she had been wearing-especially how despite how beautiful she looked in it she had also managed to make to the precinct in half the amount of time he had expected her to), and while he’d totally do it again in a heartbeat it was still a rather uncomfortable shirt.

Iris looked up at him from the bed, not bothering to look away as he took off his shirt, although she did look away while he took his pants off (leaving his underwear on). He stuck his tongue out at her. “Hey, you’re the one who wanted me to stay in this bed.”

She rolled her eyes. “C’mon, nerd.”

He climbed back in, freezing as soon as he lay down as Barry made a soft groaning sound and set his head down in the middle of Cisco’s bare chest. Cisco huffed a breath out through his nose. “That tickles, Bar. You’re right on-ahh, Iris, his hair is-”

Iris laughed at him into her hand, pressing a kiss to Cisco’s jaw as she leaned over Barry to scoop up the half-asleep metahuman and relocate him somewhere where his hair  _ wouldn’t  _ tickle Cisco’s scars. “That better, babe?” She said teasingly, before realizing the words that had just come out of her mouth. “I’m sorry, I-is that okay? Can I call you that?”

Cisco’s heart felt like it was shooting off fireworks. “Yeah, yeah, you can totally-yeah. For sure.”

Iris beamed and Cisco found himself wondering at the back of his mind if this was why people wrote poetry. He’d never been good at it himself-Dante had written some before the neighborhood boys found out and burnt his notebook-but… He was fairly certain that if he were any more romantic, he would. Huh. Cisco had never really felt like that before.

Barry yawned, eyes blinking open as he tried to stretch and sit up. “What’s going-” He looked down at them, eyebrows furrowing. He looked like a heartbroken puppy. “Oh. I interrupted again…”

Iris tugged Barry back down. “You’re dreaming, Bar. Go to sleep.”

“M’kay,” he mumbled sleepily, one hand flailing wildly until it landed in Cisco’s. “I will. Promise. Love you ‘Ris.”

“Love you too, Barry,” she whispered. Iris looked up and caught Cisco’s eye, smiling nervously. “And I love you, Cisco.”

Cisco mock gasped and cuddled up closer to Barry, and Iris by extension. “Aww, I love you too.” There was a long silence where Cisco mulled the words over in his head before daring to ask, “Wait, really?”

But Iris and Barry were already asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cisco's trans btw.


	16. No Undying Man Exists

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're thinking-Fern, what is this? A new chapter so soon after the last one, which took forever to come? Are you finally getting your shit together?
> 
> The answer is no, I'm just excited to get to the good stuff.
> 
> But before that, _please_ read this. This chapter is gonna deal with some heavy stuff, including a suicide attempt, discussions of past suicide attempts, starvation, torture, and a few other things (that have already been touched on and don't feature majorly so I don't really feel the need to warn for them-let me know if I do). It's also mostly written from Barry's perspective, and it's partially written from _my_ experience with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and fun things like that. So... Keep that in mind-not everyone experiences stuff this way, but I do, and I'm projecting that onto Barry.

Barry woke up warm. It wasn’t a new feeling anymore; he usually woke up squished between Iris and Cisco, warm and safe. But he didn’t feel safe. He felt sick. He felt like he was going to throw up. And above all, he felt horrible about last night.

There was no way that he could go back to the facility. He couldn’t go back to Them, he just _couldn’t._ Barry would rather die. But-but he couldn’t let Cisco and Iris get hurt, he couldn’t let Joe and Wally and Caitlin and Jesse get hurt-he just-he _couldn’t._ He couldn’t handle it. Barry couldn’t stand the thought of Them hurting or even killing someone he loved to get to him.

Eiling had always said that one day he would get his hands on Cisco. On Wally. On Caitlin. (Oddly enough, he never mentioned torturing Jesse, but Barry supposed that was just because he didn’t know who she was.)

Barry could easily imagine him carrying out his experiments and punishments on them, tying them down and branding them and cutting them open and _hurting them_ and making him _watch_ just like he had always said he would make Barry do-

Barry tried to sit up, looking down at Cisco and Iris. Cisco yawned in his sleep, making a small grumbling sound and curling up on himself, tucking his own hands up underneath his chin and taking the hand of Iris’s that he was holding along with them. Their hands had been held over Barry’s head while he slept, but now that he was sitting up Iris’s arm crossed over the space where he had been lying.

They looked good together, Barry realized. They _fit._ He was an intruder, an outlier. Invading their lives. If he hadn’t been there, would they be waking up by now, still in Cisco’s bed, laughing to each other and looking at each other the way that he saw them do out of the corner of his eye, like they were looking at the stars.

Barry swallowed. He was the only reason they hadn’t had a good time on their date, he knew. It was all because of him. Because he had to make a big deal out of something. Most of last night was a blur, but he remembered clinging to them in the car and begging them not to hurt them. He remembered-he remembered that he’d _interrupted_ their _first date_ just because he’d had a silly panic attack at the police precinct.

His fault. His fault. All his fault.

Barry needed to clear his head.

Squirming out of the bed, Barry carefully walked to Cisco’s kitchenette. Searching for a pad of paper and a pen, he quickly found one in the usual place where Cisco kept them. It felt good, if he was being honest with himself, to know that that hadn’t changed. To know that even though he had been gone for a long time, some things still stayed the same. Like Cisco’s penchant for keeping his drawing supplies next to his silverware.

(Barry remembered that, on more than one occasion, after their movie nights Cisco had been so tired he had ended up trying to stir some macaroni with a pencil instead of a spoon after grabbing from the wrong drawer.)

Taking about five minutes to scrawl out the words “gone to roof” on the piece of paper in large letters (it made his hands somehow hurt and yet feel numb at the same time, and the letters looked more like chicken scratch than like his old handwriting, but… At least it hadn’t taken him as long this time). He didn’t have time to make it perfect, anyways. He had to get out of there. Barry’s lungs felt tight, and his clothes felt too hot and too uncomfortable. The bandages around his neck were too tight. Everything was too tight.

Barry didn’t even know if it was possible to get to the roof of the apartment building that Cisco lived in, but he had to try. He needed fresh air and he needed to-he needed to-he needed to get _out_ of here. He had to. He had to.

Using his speed without even thinking about it, Barry shot out of Cisco’s apartment and scrambled up the stairs. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe, his head was just spinning around in a circle and all he could think about was cloth over his nose and mouth, a collar around his neck, his hands bloody and pain in his bones and screaming screaming screaming _so much screaming and pain-_

Tripping over his own feet, Barry fell against the door that led to the roof and smashed it open, hoping an alarm wouldn’t end up sounding because of what he’d just done. Scrambling on his hands and knees toward the edge of the roof, taking in deep gulping breaths of air as he shuddered. His whole body hurt, he hurt, he hurt, he didn’t-

Peering down at the streets below, Barry swallowed as several thoughts raced unbidden through his head.

He could jump. He really could. Barry could jump and just-end it. Maybe Eiling would get ahold of his body afterwards, but at least his family wouldn’t be hurt because they were hiding him. Or maybe he’d be buried next to his mom and dad on his plot. Maybe Barry would be cremated or something. He’d always thought that it was cool that they could turn your ashes into a seed that would grow into a tree after you died. That would be nice.

And if he died… If he died, he could see them again. See his mom and his dad. He could tell Eddie that he was sorry that he hadn’t been able to protect Iris better. He could tell Ronnie that Caitlin missed her every day, that she’d told them all after the Singularity because she had hoped that they’d understand that even if Ronnie was dead didn’t mean that she didn’t still deserve to be respected (Cisco had already known, Barry remembered that). Maybe he could even see Iris and Wally’s mom, Francine, and let her know how awesome her kids were.

Barry realized with a curl of cold dread in the pit of his stomach that he really, really wanted to die. He wanted it to stop. He wanted to die and he wanted everything to just-to just-just _stop._ All he wanted was for everything to stop. Was it so bad to want things not to hurt so much? Just for a minute. Or maybe for forever. That would be okay, too.

When he was fifteen, Barry had thought like that too, he remembered. And then again when he was twenty-one. And then for a long time since-Barry frowned to himself. After what happened when he was twenty-one, he couldn’t really remember when he had ever gotten better. Just the slow raising of his happy mask, the one that only Joe and Iris had always been able to see right through, and the gradual disappearance of Barry’s antidepressants and anxiety meds.

Oh. That-that should have been worrying. But half the things that had happened before Barry was taken were all still so fuzzy, and he couldn’t remember anything half the time. So he must’ve been remembering things wrong. He had to have been remembering things wrong.

Barry swallowed and hugged his knees to his chest. He was cold, he was so cold, and he wanted to jump. He wanted to jump. He really, really wanted to jump and that scared him so, so badly. Barry didn’t know what to do. He just wanted it to stop.

“Hey, Barry,” someone said softly from behind him, and Barry jumped with a nervous squeaking sound as he looked over his shoulder. Cisco was standing there with a pained smile on his face, shivering through the thick jacket he wore over his bare chest and boxers. Iris stood just behind him, one hand gripping his like it was a lifeline. “Why don’t you come over here, huh?”

Barry looked down over the edge of the roof again, shaking his head. “Don’t wanna.”

“Okay, Bar, okay,” Cisco said gently, inching forward with Iris. “I know you don’t want to. But I think it would be better if you came over here. Does that sound okay?”

Barry whimpered. “I don’t want to. I wanna stay over here.”

Iris let go of Cisco’s hand and edged toward Barry. “Barry, do you know who I am?” She asked quietly. “I need you to tell me if you know who I am, okay? Can you do that for me?”

“I-Iris,” he answered softly. His hands clenched handfuls of his thin pants. “Iris, Iris, Iris, Iris-”

* * *

_“Or maybe I’ll go after your reporter girl. What’s her name again?” The person asked mockingly, the sound harsh and grating on Barry’s bloody ears. He’d already been pounded into a pulp earlier today, and now his attackers had moved onto their usual pastime of threatening to kill and maim the people he loved._

_Barry covered his ears. “Iris,” he whispered, trying to rock back and forth in a weak attempt to comfort himself. “Iris, Iris, Iris, Iris,_ my _Iris, please don’t hurt her, please don’t hurt her. My Iris. My Iris.”_

_“Aww, isn’t that cute?” A large hand ruffled Barry’s hair before shoving his head down into his neck. Barry whimpered, swallowing down any other signs of discomfort as the person smacked him hard across the face. “You’ve got a crush on your little reporter friend, don’t you? Didn’t even think that things like you were capable of love. I guess you learn something new every day.”_

* * *

“That’s right,” Iris murmured encouragingly. “It’s me, it’s Iris. Your friend Iris. I want to help you. Can you take a few steps back from that ledge, Bar? Just take a few steps back. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe. You know me, and you know Cisco, right? Just take a few deep breaths and step back every time you take a breath. Do you think you can do that for me and Cisco?”

Barry took a deep, shaking breath and hugged his shoulder tightly. He hurt so much, his stomach hurt and his chest hurt and his whole body hurt. “Please don’t let them take me again,” he whispered in a tiny voice. “Please don’t let them take me again. I can’t-I can’t-I can’t-I don’t want anybody else to get hurt. Please, please don’t let them take me again. Please don’t let them take me again.” He started crying, fat wet tears rolling down his cheeks. “Please don’t let them take me again.”

“Oh, Barry, baby,” Iris sighed, daring to move a little bit closer to him before freezing when he rocked a little bit too far forward and almost overbalanced. Her heart was pounding in her throat and her ears were ringing. She didn’t know if she could stop this. If either of them could get there in time if Barry decided to try to jump. “Okay. Okay. I’m not coming any closer, I promise. It’s okay. We’re not going to hurt you.”

She looked at Cisco, terrified. He slowly slid his phone out of his pocket and met her terrified gaze, trembling just slightly. “Barry,” he said slowly, moving in tiny increments so he could stand next to Iris and be close to Barry, “do you want to talk to somebody else? Like Joe or Caitlin? Would that make you feel a little better, Bar?” Under his breath, he added to Iris, “I’m going to call Wally just in case… Just in case Barry…”

Cisco found that he couldn’t even voice his fears that Barry would decide to jump. That he’d decide living wasn’t worth it anymore.

That Barry would decide to kill himself.

“I want it to end,” Barry sniffled. He looked down at the streets below. The roof wasn’t _that_ far above the streets, but it was more than high to kill him. More than high enough to end it all before it could get any worse. “I just want it all to stop. Please, please, I just want it to stop, I just want it all to _end._ I just want everything to _stop.”_

“I know you’re hurting, Barry,” Iris whispered. “I know. I know you’re scared of the people who hurt you. Trust me, I know. But we need you. We need you. _I_ need you. Do you want some food, or-or something like that? Please, Barry, we need you, you have to tell me what you need so I can help you, please.”

Barry covered his ears and rocked a little, whimpering to himself. His neck hurt. It hurt so much. The bandages felt like there was a collar around his neck, and that combined with the chilly air and the hard roof underneath him made Barry think of the cells. Of being trapped. Not being able to escape no matter how hard he tried because of what Eiling had done to him. The things that They had threatened to do to him. To do to his family.

Barry grabbed handfuls of his own hair and pulled, curling up on himself. Why couldn’t he-why couldn’t he ever just _forget?_ Why couldn’t he just forget what they had done to him? Why couldn’t Barry-he was just a _burden,_ he was just-just-just a useless, useless freak like they had always said he was. Barry deserved to die. He wanted to die _and_ he deserved it, which meant that it would be the right thing to do if he jumped.

Barry leaned forward, taking a deep breath as he closed his eyes. Iris sucked a breath in through her teeth. “Barry,” she said, her voice cracking. “Please. We need you. We love you, Barry, so, so much. Please-please-”

Cisco’s hand found hers and tightened. “I texted Wally,” he whispered. “He’s coming, he’s gonna-he’s gonna get him if Barry decides to-decides to jump.”

Iris tried not to cry with a sickening mix of fear and relief. “Okay. Okay. Barry, can you-can you look at me?”

“Wanna jump,” he said, voice distant. “I want them to stop. I want them to stop. It hurts, Iris, Iris, Iris, it hurts, it hurts, it h-h-hurts, w-why won’t it _stop,_ I just want it all to _stop.”_ He was crying harder now, shoulders shaking violently as he sobbed. “Please, please let it all stop.”

“Oh, baby,” Cisco sighed, looking surprised at his own words. “We’re sorry, we’re so sorry about how much it hurts. We know you’re scared. We just want to help you, okay?”

“Barry.” Iris swallowed thickly. “Barry, it’s okay if you’re hurting and scared and-god, I’d be even more worried if you _weren’t,_ if you tried to-to pretend that you had just gotten over all of it, but-please, Bar, please, listen to me. We want to help you. Just-just step back, okay? Just step a little bit back. I can’t lose you. I’m sorry, Barry, I’m sorry, I know how much it hurts. _Please.”_

Achingly slowly, Barry shifted backwards away from the ledge. Iris held her breath, almost bursting into tears when Barry stopped just a few inches from where he had been and hesitated. He looked so _lost,_ like the fifteen year old that Iris had walked in on in the bathroom after a shower, face burning with fear and embarrassment and hopelessness and everything in between.

Hardly daring to breathe, Iris held out her hand, squeezing Cisco’s hand in a death grip with her other one. “Barry, please. Please come home to me.”

Barry edged backwards, shoulders shaking as he looked at Iris with wide wet eyes before slowly taking her hand. Almost sick with relief, Iris pulled him toward her, crushing him into a huge hug as she cried into his hair as she held him tightly against her. Barry sank down onto his knees, pulling Iris down with him, who in turn pulled down Cisco, who was texting Wally to let him know that they didn’t need him to catch Barry after all but he should hang around just in case something else happened.

“Oh, Barry, bunny,” she whispered, the childhood nickname that Barry had long since grown out of slipping off her tongue without a second thought. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here, _we’re_ here. You’re safe. We’re gonna keep you safe, I promise. I know you just-just want the pain to go away, I understand, it’s okay, but-please. Please, if you hurt like this, you gotta _tell us,_ Bar, I know how hard it is, I know, I know it’s hard, but… You have to tell us. You have to tell us so we can keep you safe.”

“Just wanted it to stop,” he mumbled into her chest. “I just wanted the hurting to stop, it hurts so _much_ and-and I can’t stop thinking about it and-and I just-I just-”

“Okay, okay, it’s okay,” she soothed. “I know it’s hard. I know, bunny, I know. It’s okay. You’re okay. Deep breaths.” Barry trembled, and Iris corrected herself. “Actually-you’re not okay. You’re hurting, I know you’re hurting, but that’s alright, it’s alright, it’s okay. You’re doing so good, Bar, even though I know it hurts. You’re being so good, and so brave, and I’m so, so proud of you.”

“R-really?” Barry sniffled.

“Really,” Cisco confirmed. “Why don’t you come inside? It’s really cold out here, and if we go inside then you can get a lot of nice yummy food, okay?”

Barry swallowed and looked down. “...Okay.”

* * *

_“You want something to eat, freak?” Something clattered down near Barry’s head and he flinched. “What’s the matter? Not hungry?”_

_Barry whimpered. He was hungry, he was hungry, he was so, so,_ so _hungry, but Eiling had said that he wasn’t allowed to eat because he had been bad. Because he had been so, so very bad. So he couldn’t eat no matter how much his stomach felt like it was swallowing itself whole._

* * *

Cisco’s hands shook as they moved back down the stairs-no way were they going into the elevator and leaving one of them behind. They didn’t even have to discuss it, they just went down the stairs until they got to Cisco’s apartment.

Iris relocated Barry back to Cisco’s bed, wrapping him up in blankets until he was effectively trapped inside of a cozy cocoon. He squeaked and wriggled around a little until Cisco shushed him, curling close to him and stroking his hair, purring softly.

Iris sat down in front of them, reaching under the blankets and searching around until she found Barry’s hand-the one with the missing finger. She squeezed it comfortingly. “Barry, are you here? Are you here with me?”

Barry swallowed and looked down. “Y-yeah, I-I’m here. I’m here.”

“Okay. Okay. That’s good, Barry, that’s very good,” she said, smiling a little bit painfully. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He lowered his eyes and shook his head a tiny bit with a small whine. “N-n-no.”

“Alright,” Iris sighed. “You don’t have to talk about it now, Bunny. But you need to tell us when you feel really bad like that, okay?” She wasn’t entirely sure that he had retained _any_ of what she had told him up on the roof. “You need to tell us so we know. So we can help you. We love you, Bar, we need you. We want to help you.”

Cisco kissed Barry’s temple, looking at Iris nervously when Barry leaned into him. “Do you wanna get some pizza, buddy? We’ll get your favorites. Does that sound good? And after you eat, you’ll be strong enough that we can call Caitlin and have her take the bandages off of your neck. Won’t that be good?”

Barry nodded hesitantly, looking back and forth between Iris and Cisco like he didn’t know what to make of them. Iris forced another smile at him and stood up. “I’m going to go call the pizza place,” she told them. “I’ll get as many pizzas as I’ve seen you eat.”

She ended up ordering five (which was less than the usual amount, but still quite a bit) and stumbling over the address-almost giving her own instead of Cisco’s. Luckily, since she was ordering from the pizza place that knew her as ‘that weird lady who always buys way too much but we don’t mind because she tips well and always pays’, they didn’t ask too many questions.

Besides, if Barry didn’t eat all of them, Iris could always just pass them off to Wally and Jesse-the two of them ate enough between them to feed an army. And even though Barry’s appetite _was_ slowly but surely returning, that didn’t mean he was nearly up to eating even half as much as he had before after gaining his powers. Besides, there was still a small chance that he would throw up after eating. He tended to do that only if he ate right after or right before a panic attack, but… Iris was pretty sure a suicide attempt counted.

A suicide attempt. God, Iris could hardly force herself to think that. She was more than a little aware of Barry’s history with depression, his history of self-harm, and the long, long string of ever-changing diagnoses that every therapist had given him. But he hadn’t attempted suicide before-he had had self destructive tendencies, that she knew, but… Suicide…

Well, that wasn’t _quite_ true. It was an acknowledged truth that Barry had tried to kill himself while in Eiling’s captivity. But… But… Anybody would’ve. Iris knew any of them probably would have done the same thing to get away from all that torture and pain and fear-

She slumped against the wall, pulling her knees up to her chest and closing her eyes as she tried to think about something else. Anything else. Wally, Wally was a good topic, he’d mentioned something about a symposium in a few months that she was going to go to-but that just led her to thoughts of Wally waiting in a coffeeshop down below, nervous, just in case Barry jumped again. She should call him. Tell him that it was okay, he didn’t have to worry, the danger had passed and he didn’t need to keep waiting.

There was a knock on the door, and Iris stood up, wiping her eyes hastily. That couldn’t have been the pizza person already, right? It might’ve been… Who else could it have been? One of Cisco’s neighbors, maybe? From what Cisco had told her, they were all either way too nosy for their own good or didn’t care about anything at all outside of themselves.

Iris opened the door, preparing about a hundred different excuses that she knew would never work, only to have them die in her throat as she saw who was standing there. “Wally?”

He nodded and said something so fast her ears couldn’t catch it. She held up a hand to stop him and he made an impatient sound in the back of his throat; Wally didn’t think he would ever be used to the idea of having to be told to _slow down_ when he was talking.

“Is something wrong?” Iris asked. “Are you here to see Barry?”

Wally shook his head. “We need you-all of you-back at the lab,” he said, looking at her with what might have been fear in his eyes. Or hidden anger. “Especially Barry, I think.” He paused. “Is-is he really okay?”

“Not really,” Iris admitted. “He’s alright for now, but… I don’t know for how long. But why do we have to go back to the lab? Barry hates it there, he’s been panicking over it.”

“Jesse found something,” Wally said seriously, looking Iris dead in the eyes. “It’s about Barry.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna scream at me about my sporadic updates, torture, or anything else, come visit me at autisticspeedster.tumblr.com


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